How Desperate is Olive Garden? This Desperate:

Eat it up, bitches.

Eat it up, bitches.

With the news of Olive Garden’s Never-Ending Pasta Pass, I asked a true Olive Garden  fanatic to explain how she feels about the whole thing. Ladies and gentleman, please welcome Doreen to The Bitchy Waiter Blog.   -BW

Hey everyone, my name is Doreen and thank you to the Bitchy Waiter for letting me write today’s post. Oh my God, I am so excited. I love Olive Garden so much and my favorite thing of all time is when the Never-Ending Pasta Bowl starts. Seriously, as soon as I find out the date that it’s going to start, I set a countdown on my smart phone and LITERALLY watch the seconds tick away until I can go down to Olive Garden and cram food into my face until it’s coming out of my ears. I love their food so much, because it tastes just like what my Mom used to make when I was little and she would take Chef Boyardee Ravioli and “spice it up.” Anyways, every night when I go to bed, I pray for Never-Ending Pasta Bowl to start soon, but imagine how excited I was yesterday to see that now they have a Never-Ending Pasta Pass. For real, I am so excited, that I almost just sharted my pants. Okay, I didn’t almost shart them.

Let me explain: for $100, I can buy a pass that will let me eat all the pasta I want every single day from September 22 to November 9. That is 49 glorious days! And not only do I get to eat pasta, I can get all the salad and breadsticks I want plus unlimited Cokes! And get this: if I take any of my friends with me, they get free Cokes too. Did I just die and wake up in Alfredo Sauce Heaven?? I think I did! I think this Pasta Pass is going to be as close as I ever come to making that dream I had a few years ago come true: the one where I was sitting on the toilet and eating Chicken and Shrimp Carbonara while I was pooping. It was like the circle of life; in one end and out the other.

If I go When I go every single day, that will mean that I am only paying $2.04 a meal, but that’s if I just went once a day. I am going to go for lunch and dinner so I will only be paying $1.02 every time I eat! My favorite manager Elliot at the Mechanicsburg, PA location will get to see me every day. (Truth be told, I have a little bit of a crush on him and I would pay way more than $1.02 to have five seconds alone with him in that back booth over by the bathroom! Good God, I wish that Elliot would stuff my chicken marsala.)

I think I will take a friend with me every time I go so she can get a free Coke and then I will just share my pasta with her. She can order a small salad and then just eat off of my plate. What’s the waitress gonna do, police me? And I’m also going to ask for another big serving after my usual three so I can get it in a doggy bag to have for breakfast the next day. Man, Olive Garden is so going to regret giving me the Pasta Pass. Another great thing about this, is that I won’t have to tip! If I get my Pasta Pass in the mail for a $100, I won’t pay a tip on that because a waiter didn’t give it to me. And when I use the Pasta Pass at the restaurant, I won’t get a bill, so I won’t have to leave a tip because 10% of zero is zero. Heck, since my bill is zero, I would go crazy and tip 15% instead, but that’s still zero, so sorry, Olive Garden waitress. No tip from me.

I bought my Pasta Pass yesterday. There were only 1000 available and it took me forever to get it because the darn website was so slow. I guess everybody wanted a Pasta Pass, but I finally made it through and it’s on the way! I wonder what it’s going to look like! I hope it doesn’t look like a regular OG gift card. I hope it’s black and made of metal. I want to feel important when I flash my card to Elliott. Maybe he’ll think I’m a VIP and serve me himself. (Good God, I’d love to get a taste of his spaghetti and meat balls!) When I get my card in the mail, it will be the best day of my life. I cannot wait until September 22 and I will be there as soon as they open. I will have my Pasta Pass hanging around my neck in the specially crocheted holder I made last night so they will know to treat me like the queen of pasta that I am. I dread November 10th when I have to start paying for my Olive Garden food again. This $100 will be the best money I have ever spent. It really is a dream come true. Well, almost a dream come true. I still want to do that whole circle of life thing with the Chicken and Shrimp Carbonara while sitting on the toilet. Maybe on November 9th!

Thanks, Olive Garden!! I love you!

51 thoughts on “How Desperate is Olive Garden? This Desperate:

    1. Leslie

      Wonder how good your Alfred will be when someone recognizes your fat ass and spits a big hocker in it. Or maybe some of Elliott’s jazz? Also..you don’t tip for the dollar amt. the tip is for the service.

      Reply
  1. Candy T

    First off, I don’t ever write back to these things but you Doreen are an IDIOT! In the past I have worked at Olive Garden for five years and it’s people like you that ruin it. You cannot share it! You are paying for your entree. You can’t take your friend to souplatation and say I’m only paying for one plate because my friend is going to pick of of mine. Everything is refillable from your damn drink to salad and bread-sticks. Then to top it off you say your not going to tip your waiter when you go there for breakfast lunch and dinner taking up one of their three tables (they only get three table section) and cram your fat face with unlimited food that they have to keep bringing to your table? Are you kidding me? Minimum wage is around 2-3 dollars if you work in a restaurant outside of California. These servers are coming in to feed fat asses like you and busting their ass to make tips (that is the only income really) and take care of their family’s. I hope these “glorious” 49 day’s make you pack on 49 glorious pounds! You should reconsider how you treat your server. Obviously you haven’t ever done it and don’t know how hard these people work. I’m sure you have a big shot with Elliot. He defiantly probably want’s to date someone who comes in and stuff’s her face three time’s a day, try’s to share her all ready low priced meal and stiff’s his staff. Good luck with that!

    Reply
      1. BobbyAnn

        Gang – I think “Candy” is yanking your chain. She wrote the equivalent of BW’s satire in her comment.

        She got you! 🙂 [Sorry, but she did. ]

        Reply
  2. Michelle

    Apparently, “Candy”, you didn’t get the fact that Doreen isn’t a real person but that this is a sarcastic and hilarious commentary on people who want things for free. She’s not REAL, Candy.

    Reply
  3. Nicole

    if you read the comment thread on bitchy’s Facebook post, you’ll see about 20 other people that think this is real…:/

    Reply
  4. Some dood

    I would understand if this had already happened, but it hasnt. Shouldnt you wait to see before writing a story about it? Maybe the very few that won will tip 5bucks a meal. And since its good for 49 days I imagine they will get pretty fast at eating, since they can just come back. I’m not a waiter, I never have been, but I always tip 20 percent, UNLESS its really shitty service. But as a patron looking in, you guys are always bitching about this job, why do you do it? if the pay is good, great! if the pay is bad, move on. making people feel horrible and like they should almost suck your dick as you bring them plates of food and then go talk shit about them in the back is a douchy thing to do. sites like this make me want to NOT go out to eat, and order take away where i tip only 10 percent. my sister was a server for 8yrs and now is a doctor making a good half mil a year, and she was NEVER this bitchy about people, true story.

    Reply
    1. April

      Why would you come to a website called “Bitchy Waiter” and get pissed off that it’s about a waiter…(wait for it)…bitching?

      If it takes a few people bitching about shitty customers to make you not want to go out to eat, you are either: A) too thin skinned to use the internet. run away now before you cry yourself to sleep every night over the mean people online. or B) You recognize yourself as the customer everyone is bitching about.

      Reply
  5. rzo

    So as hilarious as this is…guess what…there r Doreens in this worls…and I unfortunately had the pleasure of accompanying my Doreen for lunch…so when I get there my friend Doreen is by herself..I ask where is your boyfriend who never leaves your side…well she tells me hes at home waiting for her to bring him food…ok…well I soon learn its never ending pasta time…so my friend figures why pay for both of them when she can just order 8 pasta dishes ask for 20 or so boxes n three extra bowls of salad and a continuous supply of breadsticks..oh yea n 3 huge bags to carry it all in…yea I was even more mortified when she pulls out her darden paycheck so she can get a employee discount …we are both servers n I was appalled that this girl pig animal whatever u would call her would do this…never again…so I definitely slipped aextra 20 in the book n swore never again…at olive garden or miss piggy

    Reply
    1. BobbyAnn

      Doesn’t OG frown on the practice of taking “leftovers” home on the all you can eat – as most places do? I have been to OG in a decade, nice experience, as I recall the last time we went 12 years ago- but it is my understanding that the 20 or so boxes and three bags would be a big NO NO.
      Then again, this is exaggeration to make a point?

      Reply
      1. SixTen

        It’s a fine line…the servers don’t care if their guests get boxes to take never-ending pasta or endless shrimp home…as long as they don’t have to be the ones to tell a guest that once they box up they can’t get refills. That would affect their tip…so bring as much home as you want. Common courtesy should dictate this in most areas, but servers know you’ll get the parties of 4 where two people order endless, and two people don’t order. I just ask that you tip appropriate.

        Reply
  6. Christy

    Dude. No way that anyone thinks this post is written by a real Olive Garden fan. It is a brilliantly written piece of satire. I thoroughly fuckin’ loved it. And to the people who say we should stop bitching about our jobs: You don’t get it. Bitching is hilarious. In fact, when I notice that one of my fellow servers or bartenders ISN’T bitching from time to time , then I immediately don’t trust that bitch, and have to reconsider their character. Bitching is the only way to get through a shift while doing one of the most annoying jobs on the planet. It’s the only way to have a good laugh while doing it.

    Reply
    1. #ONTHEFLY

      Thank you Christy! Bitching and telling stories with others who share the same line of work is theraputic! Im not saying huddling around the computers talking shit is cooL, but def venting on a bitchy blog or in the bar after work is what keeps me from losing my mind. I too am wary of the workers that dont engage in these forums…talking through it, seeing the humor, and letting it go is alot healthier than bottling it up.. Its depressing watching these servers, when all the built up crazy reaches a breaking point. Suddenly, the littlest thing pushes them over the brink, and they snap. 51-50’d

      Reply
  7. Jeff

    So you’re going to eat pasta (one dish of pasta usually consists of over 1000 calories) 3 times per day seven days per week? You’ll die of a heart attack before your coupon is redeemed anyway. And you’re not going to tip the waiter who works for 5/ hr? You are at their site of employment making them do their job (judging from the way this is written you are clearly rude and a displeasure to serve) and you’re hurting the waiter just because the company they work for decides to try and make extra cash? You are ignorant on the highest level. Clearly if you plan on ingesting this much pasta while being a bitch in the process you are obese, so who’s the real winner here? Corporate who loses maybe 1/100000 of their yearly earnings because of you? Or you being an unhealthy bitch to people who don’t deserve it?

    Reply
  8. Ruff

    I have an MBA and a “real job” working at one of the largest financial institutions in the world and I hate it. I bitch all day long as does the 9 people on my team. Our work is boring, same shit day after day with no room for actual thought. We are glorified data entry monkeys. And because we only made 2 billion dollars last year instead of the 2.4 billion we made the year before…cuts everywhere from the supply room being locked up to firing random people for bullshit reasons because they make too much. If I could I’d have a blog called bitchy bony melon employee but then I wouldn’t have a job at all. And I couldn’t “fall back” on being a waiter because y’all work too damn hard and have to be nice to assholes all day. I only have to be nice to assholes when any of my three bosses bother to talk to me.

    Reply
  9. Rennifer

    I worked at the OG for years. One year when pasta bowl came around we had a man come in with his family who inhaled 6 bowls of fettuccini alfredo. I say inhaled because by the time his meal was over he had alfredo sauce smeared around his mouth, on his nose, in his hair, on his overalls, on his ears, on his chair, and speckling his glasses. Every server in the restaurant trouped by to observe the glory. Unfortunately this was before camera phones because we would have loved a pic to send to corporate to say “Please please save us from this!” We never understood how his wife and small kids kept straight faces. As a side note, we used to say no to-go boxes but women would come in with oversized purses lined in plastic bags into which they would unceremoniously dump several bowls worth of pasta, usually fettuccini alfredo.

    Reply
  10. Liz

    As a server at the olive garden, I’m sure you know, I dread this time of year. A lot of work for no money. I happen to work at an olive garden about an our from this one and my only question is what are you going to tip your server….. Cause it sounds like nothing and that’s not cool man. Also heads up you can not use it on friends at all……. SOOOOO YEAAAA

    Reply
  11. T

    I work for Olive Garden, and while I understand that this is satire, it’s actually astonishing how accurate this is. Well, more sad than astonishing. OG customers (oh sorry, GUESTS. They have a real shit fit when you refer to them as “customers”) are collectively the cheapest people on the planet while also being the rudest and neediest. So many people come in thinking they can “cheat the system” when in reality, a typical OG server couldn’t give less of a fuck as long as you leave a decent tip. Being nice work too, but the decent tip is better.

    Reply

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