Jesus Has Risen and I Know Why, Do You?

Happy Easter

Happy Easter

We all know that today is Easter and it’s the day that Christians acknowledge the resurrection of Jesus Christ who rose from the dead three days after he was crucified. It’s a long story about him dying for our sins and being the son of God and all that and I’m sure most of you know the details, but I have it on very good authority that Jesus had an additional reason for breaking out of that tomb and freaking everybody out. He forgot to tip his server, Martha, at the Last Supper.

Have you ever realized, days later, that you left a restaurant without leaving a tip? It happens sometimes and if you’re a good person, you make amends. You call the restaurant and explain your forgetfulness and then swing back by to drop some money for your server who has been cursing your cheap ass for three days. This is exactly what happened to Jesus.

At the Last Supper, he was obviously distracted with thoughts of his upcoming crucifixion so who can blame him for forgetting to leave a tip? That Thursday of the Last Supper was a very stressful day for Jesus. He had made a reservation for thirteen people at the Jerusalem Applebee’s, but when they showed up to the restaurant, the hostess had nothing in her book about their party.

“Sorry, Jesus, no room at the inn,” she said. “And we’re all booked up. There’s a convention of Romans in town right now and they have every single table for, like, the next four hours.”

Of course Jesus was pissed off but he turned the other cheek and had to come up with another plan. He ended up at some catering hall that had a last minute cancellation of a bat mitzvah and that was where the Last Supper was held. His waitress was his old friend Martha. The dinner was very stressful, what with Peter denying everything and Thomas doubting it all, but it happened and when the bill came, Jesus just looked at the total and paid it. He assumed the gratuity was included. It wasn’t.

So that next day, Jesus was crucified and as he was on the cross, he had a lot of time to think about things. He thought about Mary Magdalene and how she was really a much nicer person than most people gave her credit for. He thought about how his Dad (Joseph, not God) really needed to start exercising more if he wanted to live long enough to see more of the years A.D. He thought about how disappointing it was to have not had Applebee’s Riblets for his last meal. But he never once thought about Martha’s tip. When he died and was moved into the tomb, he was there for three days, when suddenly a tiny spark in his brain woke him up. “Oh Jesus Me Christ,” he said. “I didn’t leave a tip and I don’t know if the gratuity was added or not. I gotta get out of here.” He summoned his Dad (God, not Joseph) and asked that he be brought back to life. God was all, “Yes, my son, you shall have everlasting life in the Kingdom of Heaven and the world will know that you died for all of their sins.”

Jesus was all, “Well, I kinda just needed to go leave a tip for my waitress, but okay.”

“And boom, for he is risen.” Matthew 28:6.

Jesus walked out of that tomb and went right over to the catering hall and found Martha. “Oh my Dad, I totally forgot to tip you,” he said. ‘I am so sorry.”

“Jesus, you’re back! I knew you wouldn’t have stiffed me! You came all the way back from the dead to tip me? You are too good, Jesus.” She kissed his hands in thanks.

“Well, it was an honest mistake, Martha, I was just so distracted that day. You gave us great service and I couldn’t not tip you. Please accept my apologies. I’d like to give you something.”

He reached into his pocket and handed her what looked to be a ten-shekel bill.

“Ten shekels? You are too generous, Jesus. I don’t deserve all this! God bless you!”

“Turn it over,” said Jesus.

Martha looked at the other side of the ten-shekel bill. There was writing on it.

“There is a greater tip for you than ten shekels. I died for your sins and letting me into your heart is more reward than any currency. I love you.”

“Are you freaking kidding me?” asked Martha.

But Jesus was gone.

Happy Easter.

11 thoughts on “Jesus Has Risen and I Know Why, Do You?

  1. Maria Jose

    That was awesome bitchy! I am a spiritual person, but I get bored with the same story every year– I bet Jesus himself is bored with it. My take is, as long as you have your God in your hear is enough; no need for rituals or sacred buildings and your funny story reminded me of that.
    Happy Easter!

    1. #ONTHEFLY

      Oh my Jesus’ Dad, that was solid gold! Funniest thing I’ve read since the reviews for my restaurant that aren’t recommended by Yelp! Bitchy Waiter, I am uber-stoked to read your posts as they crack my cynical jaded ass up to the point I’m lol-ing….and I have laryngitis right now! Thanks!

  2. James

    This is my first time on this site and I’ve now been through a bunch of the archived articles as well as this one. Great site. Bookmarked and liked on fb.

  3. Susan

    I LOVE this! It’s wonderful to get those tips that look like $20 on one side, and then you turn it over to discover that it’s propaganda.

  4. Simon

    The thought of the “Jerusalem Applebee’s” has been making me laugh and chuckle all week long! Thanks for making me laugh all week long on that line alone. That is one of your best lines. So serious and reverent sounding yet all too irreverent at the same time.

  5. Jules

    This is probably the funniest story I’ve read of yours. I just cracked up when Jesus said “oh my dad!” Rofl hahahahahaha.


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