A Comment on Comments, the Veruca Salt Edition

A Comment on Comments

A Comment on Comments

This blog and its Facebook page gets literally dozens of comments on it each day. I try to read as many as possible but quite honestly it can get overwhelming. Every once in a while, though, a comment rises to the top like a big stinky turd that doesn’t want go down the toilet. It just swirls around and around in a lazy circle determined to stay afloat until someone gets out the plunger and breaks that piece of shit up. I am that plunger and the piece of shit is someone who, oh-so-cleverly, calls herself Veruca Salt. Veruca, Veruca, Veruca, dear. I’m not even going to discuss how pitiful you sound by choosing to go by the name of a fictional character from the classic Roald Dahl book, Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. We get it: you think you are are witty and non-conforming by basing your online persona on a character who is known to be greedy, bitchy and self-centered. But, you see, dear, it would be better to use your real name and create your own persona rather than depend on having people make preconceived notions about your personality based on a book that was written 50 years ago. Nice try, though. And now that I think about it, you probably didn’t get the name from the book or even from the only movie version of the book that matters. (Gene Wilder, hello?) Let me guess. You saw the Johnny Depp movie a few years ago, right? That’s darling. Moving on, let’s discuss your comment. In response to a photo that was posted yesterday about how wonderful it feels for a server to be able to gently remind the customer that they are dead fucking wrong about something, Veruca unzipped her soft head, dug around the grey matter, reached into it with a pair of dirty tongs and came up with this:

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So you say that if a waiter or waitress gives you attitude, you will give them no tip, is that it? I completely agree with you. Any server who throws attitude at a customer has forfeited their right to a tip because we are not there to give attitude. We are there to serve food, make your dining experience a good one and occasionally pull the golden goose egg out of your twat. However, do you think you have the right to give the server attitude? What is our recourse if you do that to us? You say you sometimes don’t want to read the menu because you expect us to have the answer. That makes no fucking sense at all, Veruca. Are you saying that you sit in a restaurant and make a laundry list of food items that you want and the waiter has to tell you whether or not it’s on the menu? I would say that is you giving a  serious case of attitude to your server. Again, what recourse does the server have? You can withhold the tip if you’re unhappy with the server, but the server can’t withhold anything if he’s unhappy with you. (“Like Veruca ever says no to the tip,” says the guy who banged her in the pool hall bathroom after she made him promise to buy her two PBR’s as soon as he was finished.) You really think it’s okay to not read the menu, Veruca?

“I want a golden goose egg omelet and I want it now. I want it with a bean feast and pink macaroons a million balloons and performing baboons.”

“I’m sorry, miss, we don’t have any of those things in our kitchen. I will give you some time to look over the menu and I will come back in a moment to take your order.”

“I want it now!”

“Well, bitch, I want to punch you in your baby maker, but we can’t always get what we want. Read the fucking menu and make an educated decision, you spoiled piece of shit.”

Suddenly we are right back to the beginning of this blog post which was about a piece of shit circling the toilet, You, Veruca, are the piece of shit: a red dress with black buttons-wearing piece of shit who is not only a bad egg but a true pain in the ass to every server who has ever had to deal with you.

17 thoughts on “A Comment on Comments, the Veruca Salt Edition

  1. k. wolchko

    A customer with that kind of attitude to begin with , very rarely leaves a decent tip… if one at all.

    Reply
  2. SkippyMom

    Ahhh, feeding the trolls in the most delicious of ways: a post dedicated entirely to her.

    I think you just made Ms. Salt’s week, nay….her year!

    Nicely done Bitchy.

    Reply
  3. Alicia Huberman

    Or maybe we can turn this into a very special episode of Bitchy Waiter where we at first harbor suspicion but later confirm (when Veruca ends up in the men’s room) that the poor thing actually never learned to read.

    Reply
    1. Alicia Huberman

      ETA: Maybe we can make her a very special menu with pictures only and she can just point and grunt.

      Reply
  4. Wicked Witch of the North

    Dear Veruca, Please do not mistake my Horror for”A Bad Attitude” I am not a Librarian or kindergarten teacher I am not here to read you the menu or recite it for you,This is not story time, I am here to take your order, deliver it in a timely manner and maybe make some small talk then collect your money . While I am reciting the entire menu and taking into consideration all of your dietary needs and allergies,MY WHOLE ENTIRE SECTION IS GETTING PISSED OFF AT ME BECAUSE THEY ARE ALL WAITING FOR THEIR FOOD, BEVERAGE ,CHECK ,CHANGE, XTRA RANCH ,ANOTHER FORK AND ME TO GO SING HAPPYFUCKINGBIRTHDAY!!!!! FUCK YOU VERUCA! Keep your tip and stay home .

    Reply
  5. Chris

    Ah, PBR – used to be $.35 a draft back in the day and it was good. I think they go for $2 a bottle now at the closest bar, so her price is low.

    Reply
  6. Laura

    LOL had one of these yesterday morning. Do you have omelets? I said no, and pointed to the scrambles section of the menu. Do you have regular Eggs Benedict, I said no and pointed to our specialty Benny section. I described both sections to him and he THEN said, do you have just a regular breakfast?? I said, yes, and I’ll give you a minute to read the menu while I go make your drink. Douche STILL had to be read the menu and left me 5 on a 59… pffffffft loser. Sat at my table with his associates for 1 1/2 hours after. So I couldn’t even turn the table and make it up.

    Reply
  7. Michelle

    Ha ha ha! I love how Veruca Salt enjoys being classless. WHENEVER SOMEONE FEELS THEY RECEIVE BAD SERVICE EVERYWHERE THEY GO, IT IS BECAUSE THEY ARE BAD CUSTOMERS. Not every server on the planet is lazy and incompetent. Funny they become that way when Veruca Salt sits in their section. BE A BETTER GUEST and you’ll get better service from your host.

    Reply
  8. Just this guy, you know?

    I was going to remind you that Veruca Salt might also refer to a one-hit-wonder band from the nineties and give the poster a little benefit of the doubt re: name choice (not that it would help much)…

    … then I read the comment that Veruca posted…

    Nevermind. Spoiled brat from Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. Yep.

    Reply
    1. #ONTHEFLY

      Hahaha, yes!! They sang “seether” or something like that. Sounded similar to Garbage (the band, not trash). Veruca Salts do make me seeth, however, with their “I don’t care how, I want it now” mentality …

      Reply
      1. Reginald Van Der Slythe III

        To be fair, they were a two-hit wonder. Although I don’t think “Volcano Girls” was as big a hit as “Seether.”

        To keep this more on-topic, the Facebook poster is a stupid bitch and I hope she’s ingested a lot of saliva and mucus from other people.

        Reply
  9. Lexie

    Yes! Just yes! I can’t even count the number of times I want to yell “Read the fucking menu” in any given shift.

    What’s a steak frites?
    Well if you read the fucking menu, it’s a Rib Eye served with fries, you illiterate twat!

    What’s in the ahi salad?
    Read the fucking menu, it lists all the damn ingredients.

    What’s on your kids’ menu?
    Why do I need to list all the items for you when it’s right there on that laminated sheet in your fucking hand?!

    But no, we can’t do that. We have to smile and be nice and answer your questions and pretend you aren’t irritating the shit out of us by wasting our time when we’ve been double sat and our manager is staring daggers at us because we haven’t gotten to that new table yet. So screw you Veruca. I hope that furnace is hot.

    Reply

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