Last Thursday, my boss let us know if we wanted to wear a costume to work on Halloween, we were more than welcome to. He did not give us any rules, stipulations or requirements and because he was so free with his words, I am determined to take full advantage of it. Working in a costume can be challenging, but if I can wear a Darth Vadar costume in 1977 South Texas when the temperature was 90°, I can handle anything. I had on my dad’s black motorcycle helmet over my grocery store mask and costume. My plastic cape made me sweat and the boots were way too big, but I never once dropped character. If I can do that as ten-year old, I can certainly handle a costume as a 46-year old. And something about being 46 and discussing a Halloween costume makes me feel incredibly grateful for my youthful nature or incredibly sad about the state of my life. I have not decided what I will wear, but I have narrowed it down to a five options:
- A Bennigan’s waiter from 1991. All I need to do is pull out some old khakis and a bright polo shirt and go for it. The pant legs will need to be pegged just above my black high-tops with neon shoelaces. If only I still had my rainbow suspenders ala Mork and Mindy! Yes, I really did have a pair in 1983 along with over 100 buttons that I collected. I was a total loser and even wore one for my senior photo that said “Why Be Normal.”
This costume would be fun to wear because I could go up to tables and squat down at them to take their orders. I could see if anyone would like to start of with some crispy potato skins. I could cover myself in flair and wrap a bandanna around my leg. We already listen to 80’s music at work so it wouldn’t be a stretch.
- Flo from Alice. I’ve done it. I still have the costume. It still fits. The main problem with this costume is that have a lot of sidework to do when I get to work and I really am not too keen on mopping the damn floor while wearing pantyhose. Also, I think if I showed up to work in full out drag, my boss would not know how to handle it. Even though I have worked there for almost three years, he knows nothing about me and I think when he said we could wear costumes, he thought we would show up in a silly hat. Still, to be Flo while waiting tables is kinda amazing.
Telling people to kiss my grits is fun even without the Flo costume so how much fun would it be with it? Still, hauling up that mop bucket from the basement might make my makeup run and nobody wants to see that.
- Little Orphan Annie. Okay, it was Annie in the later years, as I imagined her to be after growing up after years of hard knocks. She was crack addict with track marks on her arms, bruises all over her legs and panties that came off easily if you asked her nicely. Sandy was dead but she still carried him around because she needed that familiarity. The best thing about that costume was that I got to use my own hair.
I have a feeling the restaurant will have a lot of kids in it on Halloween since we are right int he middle of a great neighborhood for trick or treating. Some parents may take offense at my version of Annie. And my fake boobs get hot.
- The Hamburgler. This costume is one from a few years ago but somehow oddly appropriate for waiting tables in. Every time someone orders french fries, I could show up to their table with half of their order hanging out my mouth. I would be so adorable while doing to that no one would complain about it. Of course, wearing a mask may make it difficult to be at work safely. My peripheral vision would be compromised and it may make it difficult to serve drinks or, more importantly, see where I am keeping my own.
I think my tables would like this one the most and it’s all about making my customers happy, right?
- Old Waiter. Yes, this one is the easiest costume to put together because I wear it every day of my life. However, I am thinking of dusting off my old cater waiter tuxedo and covering my face with some old age make up. (“Older age make up, you mean,” says everyone who knows me…). Or maybe I could wear this black wig that I used once for a Goth party I went to and I could just be this weird Riff Raff from Rocky Horror. Throw a little black under my eyes and put on a pair of white gloves. Or maybe I could be like Lurch from The Addams Family. Or maybe I can make blood drip out of my eyes (they will already be bloodshot, so it’s perfect) and just be a scary butler.
This will probabably be the winner because it seems like the easiest one to pull together and the best one to be working in.
What about you? Will you be wearing a costume to your job on Thursday? Are there any other middle-aged men out there who still cling to their childhood by wearing silly costumes to their job? If you wear a costume, I hope you will, share it with us all on the Facebook page. Please let me know I am not the only immature asshole who thinks it’s alright to dress up to go to work.