I don’t know if you have heard about this or not, but the government has done shut down in our country. I was a little tardy to that party because it happened while I was on vacation and I wasn’t paying attention to the national news. To be honest, I don’t normally pay much attention to the news because I am too busy reading about what celebrity is dating what celebrity and also I am usually busy Tweeting. I started to read some articles about the shutdown to try to educate myself and after a few readings it seemed like it would make much more sense if it could be explained to me in restaurant terms. However, I couldn’t find one single article like that, so just like at work when it comes to rolling the goddamn silverware for the patio, I have to do it my fucking self.
So let’s say that the owner of a restaurant decides one day that he would like to start serving brunch instead of only being open for dinner on Sundays. He thinks it will benefit everyone. The neighborhood will have a new brunch spot, the servers will make more money, the kitchen crew will get more hours and the restaurant can make more of a profit. But this owner is cool, so he decides to take a vote so that everyone at the restaurant has a say. They all agree that whatever the vote is, is what they will do and if the outcome isn’t what someone had hoped for, then they must suck it up or move on. From the dishwasher to the chef to the head waiter, everyone casts a vote on whether or not they should begin serving brunch on Sundays. The vote comes back and it is determined that the majority of people would like to open for brunch.
“Okay, then,” says the restaurant owner. In two months we will begin opening for Sunday brunch. That will give me time to set up a menu, get the items into the POS, make signs, get the word out and be prepared. I’m real excited about this, because this is what I wanted to happen, but I really only wanted to do it if the majority of the staff was on board. We will begin serving brunch on Sunday October 6th! It’s gonna be great!”
Some people were unhappy with the vote, specifically the kitchen crew who now had to get to work way earlier than they had ever had to.
“We want another vote,” said the chef.
“Another vote. Why” asked the owner. “I thought we agreed that we would go with the majority.”
“Yeah, we did, but now we want another vote. The kitchen crew thinks we won’t really make that much more money. We’ll get six more hours of pay but the wait staff is going to make the most money and it’s not fair. Let’s just vote again.”
The next day, there was another vote and again the majority decided that opening for brunch was a good idea.
“It’s gonna take some getting used to and we will have to iron out the kinks, but in the long run, serving brunch will be great for everyone involved,” said those who voted for brunch.
“The hours are too long and I don’t think we should force people to work brunch if they don’t want to,” said those in the minority. “Let’s vote again.”
The restaurant owner again agreed to another vote even though in his head, it had been decided two votes ago. Another vote was had. And then another. And another. Over the next two months, they voted 42 times and every time the results were the same: brunch will begin on October 6th.
Finally, on Saturday, one day before brunch was to begin, the kitchen crew asked for yet another vote.
“Dudes, it’s done,” said the owner. “I already took out ads in the newspaper. We have reservations and the menus have been printed. Brunch starts tomorrow, I’m sorry. We all agreed that the vote would decide and we said if anyone was unhappy with the result, they would have to either live with it or find another job. I’m sorry, but we are serving brunch tomorrow. I’ve been very patient, but I can’t anymore. You lost.”
“That’s what you think,” said the cooks. “We’re gonna be here tomorrow for brunch, but we won’t cook anything on the brunch menu. We will only cook the dinner menu that we usually serve on Sunday nights.”
“But we won’t even be giving out that menu in the morning. We will be giving out the brunch menu,” said the owner.
“Well, we’re happy make the dinner items and we will be here in the morning, but we will not make anything that is on the brunch menu. That’s how it is, sorry.”
The owner and the servers were furious. They knew that the kitchen staff was being unreasonable and they were just trying to shut down the kitchen. They would be at work but unwilling to actually cook anything that was needed. It was unfair, because the owner had made all the recipes for the kitchen crew and had bought all the ingredients. The severs had memorized all the new menu items and they had trained on the POS. Brunch was ready to go, but it wasn’t going to happen because of a bunch of whiny crybabies who couldn’t handle that they didn’t get their way.
The next morning, the restaurant was fully staffed. The back of the house was full of people who said they weren’t going to cook and the front of the house was ready to take orders for the hordes of people who were lined up outside for the grand opening of brunch. The doors were opened and the restaurant filled up within minutes. The servers took the orders and rang them in hoping for the best.
The first order that went in was for brioche french toast, eggs Benedict and a turkey club sandwich. The kitchen made the sandwich because it was also on the dinner menu, but they made nothing else. The customers were not happy.
“Why did only one of us get our food?” they yelled. “What the fuck is this about?”
The server tried to explain the situation. “Well, the kitchen is only cooking some of our menu in order to prove a point. I’m really sorry. Maybe you’d all like a turkey club?”
“No! Fuck that! We want what we ordered. This is bullshit. So, your restaurant is only partially opened? What the fuck sense does that make? You can’t open your restaurant but only serve part of the menu. We want to talk to the owner!”
The owner headed over to the table, worried about how upset he had made his customers, when all he was trying to do was give them a new brunch option.
“I’m sorry about this,” he said. “It’s just that some of the kitchen staff is unhappy that we are serving brunch and we are trying to work through it.” He told the angry customers how the staff had voted 42 times about the potential for brunch but some people were still unhappy with the outcome. “Is there anything else I can do to make up for the inconvenience?
The customers were flabbergasted that the owner didn’t know what to do.
“Yeah,” they said. “You tell those bitches that the vote happened. It’s a done deal. The majority of the people wanted to serve brunch and we in the neighborhood are ready to try it. If after we try the brunch, we will make our own fucking decisions about it. We don’t need the goddamn kitchen staff deciding for us. We want an affordable brunch option in our neighborhood. Some people might think they don’t, but when it comes right down to it, everybody wants some french toast that won’t cost an arm and a leg. You tell that kitchen to get their shit together and give the people what they want. Jesus!”
The restaurant owner knew the customers were right. He marched into the kitchen and addressed his staff.
“Look, we took a fucking vote and you lost. That’s how a democracy runs, you fucking assholes. We all decided that majority rules and I am not going to allow you to partially shutdown my restaurant. If you don’t start cracking some eggs and making some goddamn omlettes, I am going to let the customers into the kitchen so they can tell you what they think about your cowardly asses. And believe me, you do NOT want to hear what the customers think about you. Now cook the fucking brunch menu or get the hell out of my kitchen and face the wrath of the customers!”
When the kitchen crew faced the prospect of actually having to deal with the customers, they decided that they’d better start cooking. They knew it was better to follow through on a promise than to deal with a bunch of pissed off customers.
Brunch was finally served.
SkippyMom
Gawd. I LOVE YOU for this.
I know, I know. I am late to this particular party, but I am reading the archives and this is freaking fabulous.
I would share it on my FB but I am sure most of it would go right over the heads of my Repub friends. Sigh.
Perfection.
Beefcake
I thought it was a great analogy. It’s all about who “thinks” they have control and who “knows” they have control. The final result is the same no matter.
Meredith
You forgot to mention that if you can’t afford the brunch then the owner is going to subsidize it. So if you’ve never been able to eat brunch before, now is your chance. You can also get the top shelf bloody mary, where before you could only afford the well vodka. Sounds like a pretty good deal to me.
Now could you explain why the kitchen is not raising the debt ceiling even though they already ordered the ingredients?
Heather
This makes so much more sense to me than any article I have read about the shutdown. Thanks for cracking me up.
anonymous
Frank Normby, you seem extremely confused. And angry. You’re an angry, confused little man, aren’t you?
This is a great post, Bitchy. Very informative!
anne marie in philly
my my my, this post brought out the h8ers.
Frank Normby
You left out the part where customers HAVE to come to the restaurant and eat whether they like it or not. And if they decide NOT to, they’ll still be given a bill, even though they didn’t go. And if they refuse to pay the bill, they’ll be taken to jail. And if they refuse to go to jail, they’ll be beaten and carried to jail.
Yeah, you forgot that important part of the analogy.
FREEDOM of choice anyone?
Mark W
No one is going to jail for not ordering brunch. Get your head out of your ass.
Frank Normby
Yes, they are. It’s just been conveniently left out of the analogy.
SO in analogy terms, people will HAVE to eat at this restaurant, whether they like it or not. Even if they can’t afford it and would prefer to pass on the meal.
Get your head out of YOUR @ss and wake up. Thank you.
Robert
You don’t HAVE to eat at this restaurant. You can go to the fancy restaurant all you want.
You are going to have to subsidize some meals but the thing you fail to realize is that you have always been subsidizing some meals.
Before this restaurant started serving brunch people who needed brunch but couldn’t afford it went to any random restaurant. Some restaurants said, well, we charge people who can afford it $10 so why don’t we charge $10 for this persons subsidized brunch. Other restaurants were like, hey, this guys not paying for his brunch and no one that is subsidizing this brunch is going to see the bill so let’s charge $500 instead of $10. YAY PROFIT!
Now that this restaurant is open all people who can’t afford brunch can go there and will only be charged $10 saving everyone who is subsidizing the brunches lots of money.
So in response I would have to say get your head out of your @SS and wake up. Stop listening to rhetoric and learn some facts.
Ellen S
Thank you for breaking this into terms I can relate to. I read the cooks’ voices as if they were in Monty Python and that just made it even better. I recommend you try it.
Anonymous
While I agree that the “kitchen staff” is being whiny little bitches, it is also true that not every single person in “town” wants to go to the restaurant for “brunch”, only some of them do. Also, French toast might be “affordable” for some, but there are a bunch of people who have to stick to ramen either way, and don’t really appreciate being forced into buying the “French toast”.
This whole mess is making me want to immigrate to Iceland.
Anonymous
Basically it should be an optional brunch, but they want it to be mandatory brunch. And some people can’t afford brunch but they’re getting slammed with a cover charge for entering the restaurant even though all they wanted to order was water and maybe a cup of coffee.
Anonymous
Nobody is forced to get French toast. Those who don’t want that particular dish can get eggs or whatever they want at another brunch spot.
Mark W
If you can’t afford to eat in a place, don’t go there. If all you can afford is water and maybe coffee, stay home.
nope
“Iceland is one of the healthiest countries in the world. It has low pollution, high life expectancy and an extremely low rate of infant mortality. The health service is well organised, progressive and has more doctors per head of population than any other country. There is no private health sector in Iceland and all citizens regardless of status qualify for healthcare under the state healthcare service.”
Geoff Burkman
Very funny stuff, although of course we citizens have no real way of immediately and decisively confronting the jackasses in high government with our dissatisfaction…
Leslie
Brilliant as always Bitchy!!