Jesus versus Abraham Lincoln (or Another Crappy Tip)

Not a good tip

Not a good tip

The last couple of weeks have been a little insane for me. Between vacations and funerals, there has not been as much time as I would like to sit at the computer to bitch about all things bitchy. That is, until today. I recently received a message from a reader named Rachel with photographic evidence of one of the crappiest tips ever in the history of food service. We have all gotten the Jesus pamphlets or maybe the coupons for Mary Kay Cosmetics from those various customers who think we might prefer that over cash money that we can deposit into our bank account and then pay bills with. We have all been stiffed when we know our service was great but the customer was tighter than a nun’s vagina. We have had people leave us pennies to express their dissatisfaction and we have had customers leave silly little notes explaining why they can’t leave a tip, but what I have never seen is what Rachel experienced.

Placed on the table as her tip was a five-dollar bill which had been laminated on top of a card. Abraham Lincoln is staring out at her hoping that he will soon be released from his plastic prison. Underneath his steely gaze are the words this “is God’s gift to you.” When the card is opened, it is full of Bible quotes, specifically James 1:12 which states, “Blessed is the man that endureth temptation; for when he is tried, he shall receive the crown of life, which the Lord hath promised to them that love him.” It is telling whomever is holding the card that they can cut the five dollars out but if they do that, they are giving into temptation and becoming a huge disappointing failure to God. It says the gift of God is more valuable than $1,000,000 even. Sorry to disappoint you, God, but I would hate to disappoint my landlord even more and since he kinda controls whether or not I have a roof over my head, I gotta go with him. Maybe the gift of God is more valuable than a million dollars, but I don’t think I have bedroom in the house of the Lord while I do have one in my apartment building. Rachel tells me that the rest of the story on the card is kind of a threat saying that “whosoever was not found written in the book of life is cast into the lake of fire” and that she should not fall to the temptation of the money and instead simply pass the card on to others so she can carry on the tradition of being a religious douche bag who use Christianity as an excuse not to tip.

What the fuck? If something like this ever ends up on one of my tables, I will grab a pair of scissors and cut that five dollar bill out of the plastic right there in front of the religious zealot who gave it to me. If I can’t find scissors, I will use my wine key, a dirty steak knife, my teeth or I will slice it open using the face of a baby. I will then then hand them back the empty card and cut up plastic so they can reuse it the next time the collection plate gets passed down the pew. The very act may send me right to hell but there is a pretty good chance that I already have a reservation there that Satan himself made for me using Open Table. I imagine that hell will be something like the typical waiter nightmare where every table is a ten-top of demon assholes who need separate checks and are all in a hurry. Come to think of it, that’s what it was like when I worked doubles at Houlihan’s in Times Square during the Radio City Music Hall Christmas Spectacular, so I have already been to hell. If I end up in hell and I don’t have to wear an apron there, it will seem like a piece of angel food cake.

I want to thank Rachel for sending me the photo. She did not tell me if she succumbed to the temptation of the money or not. I suspect that she did because we all know that five dollars is five dollars and when you need to put some some gas in your car, a laminated five-dollar bill ain’t gonna cut it. I suppose she could have just given it to the busser that night as his tip and told him that it may only seem like five dollars that is covered in plastic but it’s actually worth much much more.

“Eternal life is the true value,” she would say. “Take this five dollars and then pass it on after you let Jesus into your heart.”

Of course the bus boy would be confused because when she talks about Jesus, he thinks she is talking about the dishwasher who’s name is also Jesus. Jesus replaced Juan who replaced Carlos who replaced Poppy who replaced Manuel who replaced another guy named Jesus. Servers don’t really have to let Jesus into their hearts because a lot of time he is already in our dishroom scraping plates.

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25 thoughts on “Jesus versus Abraham Lincoln (or Another Crappy Tip)

  1. Scargosun

    “Servers don’t really have to let Jesus into their hearts because a lot of time he is already in our dishroom scraping plates.” – one of your best lines, EVAH!

  2. Mellie S.

    I am laughing out loud in my cubicle at work…one of the funniest posts ever, though I am apalled at the holier than thou church goer who automatically assume that no one has found God but him…maybe this girl already ‘got religion’…what a waste of that laminated card.

  3. Rachel Le Blanc

    To be honest it to me a couple days thinking about it. I’m not religious but I did pause to think about who I am and weather I am a good person or not and if I should just leave it to remind me of that. Then……then I got pissed. Pissed at that asshole for making me doubt myself for even one second and pissed at myself for letting him. I grabbed the scissors and cut it out. I am a good person and I don’t need this religious zealot to keep me in check and I got bills to pay damit!!

  4. Dogtroep

    Try giving it to the IRS and see what they say about it. I’m guessing the lady who gave it to Rachel never got paid that way…and tips are wages she worked for!

  5. Kristen

    Good for you! I would have had cut that muther out too! The only one who should doubt whether they are a good person is the asshole who gave you that shitty pamplet in the first place.

  6. Christy B.

    The only person going to hell for this is the mf’ers who polluted up the earth with all that plastic!

    Self-righteous bastards!

  7. soloran

    Has anyone here seen the fake twenty bible pamphlet? One of the servers in my restaurant got one in north Idaho a few years back. At first glance it looks like a genuine twenty dollar bill folded and left tucked under a plate. When you pull it out and open it you find a bunch of bible verses and text telling the server that they had just received a tip more valuable than money: the prospect of eternal salvation! The thing has just enough copy of a real bill that when you fold it just so it looks legit tucked under the plate, but not enough (apparently) that you can claim they were trying to counterfeit money.

  8. Rachel

    Ugh. Just when I thought the after-church crowd could not get more noxiously holier-than-thou, they come up with cards that more or less tell you that you are morally bankrupt for taking a tip that they owe you for the services you have given to them.

  9. Rita

    This is such crap. Jesus Himself said “render unto Caesar what is Caesar’s and render unto God what is God’s”. Getting a tip has nothing to do with heaven or hell or anything else, for that matter.

    Some people have no idea what they’re talking about when it comes to religion. They’re just manipulative idiots. I’m fairly religious and I’d have cut the money out of the plastic too.

  10. katniss

    Jeremiah might have something to say about temptation but Jesus (not DMO Jesus) said to give to Caesar what belongs to Caesar and give to God what belongs to God. Meaning pay your bills and pray. So I hope Rachel ripped that Lincoln from its prison and used it for the rent.

  11. Haruka

    ‘or I will slice it open using the face of a baby’

    Snerk. Missed you, Bitchy! 😀

    Btw, August 1st is International Childfree Day! Enjoy it; I know I am!

  12. Anonymous

    Hahaha Love it! My favorite part was actually about all the mexican names you listed that wash the dishes in the kitchen because where I work, we have mexicans in our kitchen who ALL have those same names! Lol they’re not all dishwashers, some are cooks, some run the salad station, and some do the prep work. I think that all of the Juans, Manuels, Jesus’s, and Pablo’s of the world are destined to work in restaurant kitchens!!

  13. melissa in houston

    What a dick move. The act of giving her that crap ass tip was just a way to degrade her. That bitch just use passive aggressive bs to feel better about her stature in life. This has the opposite affect. She is just turning people off to god/jesus/religion. This act made all the angels cry
    So all she accomplished was making all of heaven weep and god sad as well. Good job crappy tipper making god sad. What she did even made satan and the demons ashamed. And poor st peter has to look her in the eyes at the pearly gates. Well have fun in purgatory because now no place wants you

  14. dreifuerst

    “I can’t work Sundays.” My schedule request for nearly 30 years. After a short while of doing Sunday brunch/lunch I found that the overriding theme was ‘i gave my 10% to church, my waiter isn’t worth more than god.’ So to parrot the oft reported quote of Mr. Miyagi, “Best Defense, No Be There.”

    I like my Christians on the pew next to me, not at the table in front of me.

  15. Ed

    This is like when a junk mail company includes a free stamp to try to guilt you into using it on their return envelope. Heck no — free stamp for you!

  16. Jane

    It’s such a shame you’re a boy, I sigh. Because if anyone ever pulls this shit on me, I will tear the card open with my teeth, fold the money, and stash it in my bra with a radiant fucking smile.


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