How to Tell if You’re An Asshole (guest post)

Asshole?

Asshole?

Thank you to Joey for this great guest post on how to determine if you’re an asshole. (Hint: if you don’t know if you’re an asshole or not, you probably are.) Please go check out his Facebook page for his short film Slammed. And just so you know, I didn’t choose that photo of the asshole, Joey did.  And I don’t know why the font is diffrent on this post but I’m on my second martini at this point and don’t care. -BW.

Do you hate going out to eat because the service ALWAYS sucks?  Stupid waiters NEVER get your order right.  They forget things.  You constantly have to ask for more of this or extra that?  Your drink is never full and refills take forever!  Where are my extra napkins?  Can we get some steak sauce!  Why is it so difficult to just give me what I ordered?  Waiting tables can’t be that hard of a job!
 
Chances are if you experience any combination of the previously mentioned scenarios… you’re an asshole.  Don’t get me wrong there are some really bad servers in the world.  But, if you consistently receive this kind of service EVERYTIME you go out then… sorry, it’s you!
 
Let’s be honest.  When you enter a restaurant the first thing you do is get frustrated that you have to wait for a table right?  So, you proceed to bug the hostess about how long it’s taking to get your table.  Walking up to the hostess stand every 3-4 minutes asking, “how’s it looking? getting close yet?”  Then you head over to the bar and get a round of drinks for your family.  The order usually includes a Tom Collins (or some ancient ass cocktail) a water, a chocolate milk in a kid cup and a hot tea.  Then after the bartender is finally able to fill your idiotic order you tell them to have your waiter put it on your dinner bill.
 
So, you finally get your table and because your naturally impatient you expect the server to be there for you and only you.  Your server sees you already have drinks so he / she says, “hey guys I’ll be right with you.”  Well that’s not good enough for you.  You’re hungry.  Starving even.  You are ready for the free rolls or bread!  At this point you start the tip subtraction clock in your head.  “Well I was going to give you 15% but now it’s going to cost you.”  
 
Truthfully there’s no need to continue on.  As a professional server I have seen this hundreds of times.  You’re all the same.  The service industry does not revolve around you.  Yes the customer is always right.  As long as they are polite.  If you’re a jerk then you are just a complaining asshole.  Look we understand what your going through.  We really do.  The only things is… we don’t give a shit.  We have just as many problems as you do in life.  As a matter of fact you should be ashamed of yourself for showing up to my job and making things so difficult.  If you are the type that bitches and moans only to get free stuff then you suck.  You don’t get that I have 3 or 4 other tables going.  You don’t know that I have bills just like you but I make my money one shift at a time.  You don’t care that my car is about to be repo-ed or that my ex-wife wants more child support.  Did it ever occur to you that I started working here 6 years ago thinking I would just do it part time while I finished school?  Trust me dude I really don’t want to be here either.  But, as long as I am and we’re both in this together… Awe fuck it.  I’ll just ignore the shit out of you and tend to my other tables until you leave.

 

WHEW glad that’s over with… Shitty table finally pays out and leaves.  You approach the table to pick up the payment and… Motherfucker… you tipped 25%.
 
Yes people are pricks but, we chose the job.  Just grin and bear it.  Unless they camp out it will only last about an hour.  But, there is no excuse for being an asshole.  Whether you are a good or bad tipper at least be nice!

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