A Comment on Comments

You know I love an opportunity to reach out to the readers and respond to comments. It fills my heart with pride to know that people take time out of their busy day of surfing Facebook and playing Words With Friends just to type out a comment to little ol’ me. Last week someone let a comment slip out of their ass like a greasy Crisco fart. It plopped onto my computer screen and slid down leaving a trail of oil and bitterness. When I posted the photo below onto the Bitchy Waiter Facebook page, someone named Jarret had a thought.

“Weren’t you a kid once? Did you not need help wiping your ass when you were young? How quickly one forgets that youth is a right of passage that everyone has to go through. It could be argued that, it’s not the kids that are behaving badly, but it is you who is so jaded and misguided regarding children. Unless you were hatched from an egg or were born an adult, everything you are complaining about was once done by you. Try treating children and their parents with decency and respect and you might find that kids aren’t really that bad. Do unto others as you would have done unto you…”
The truth is Jarret, it’s a fucking joke. That picture of the little girl in the waitress outfit is not actually in a diner. It’s a fucking Halloween costume. I didn’t kidnap a child and force her to a photo studio so I could take a picture of her and degrade her with a demeaning caption. I want to dissect your comment and make sure I understand it:
  • Weren’t you a kid once? Did you not need help wiping your ass when you were young? Yes, I was a kid once but I can assure you I never once bothered people in a restaurant. The reason being that I was never taken to a restaurant as a child. You see, I grew up in an isolated cabin in the woods and my mother had a stroke so we didn’t go anywhere. I created my own language based on my mom’s fractured ability to speak and all was fine and good until I was discovered by Dr. Jerry Lovell who looked a lot like Liam Neeson. And what the hell does this photo have to do with ass wiping?
  • How quickly one forgets that youth is a right of passage that everyone has to go through. You say that as if youth has already passed me by. You’re wrong, Jarret. Wrong. Youth is subjective. Fifteen years ago, I thought 45 was old. Now, I think it’s pretty young. The right of passage never ends.
  •  It could be argued that, it’s not the kids that are behaving badly, but it is you who is so jaded and misguided regarding children. Me jaded? Seeing that the name of this blog describes me as bitchy, you obviously have a keen sense of stating the obvious. Touché.
  • Unless you were hatched from an egg or were born an adult, everything you are complaining about was once done by you. I was not hatched from an egg and that is very rude of you to even imply that my mother was a bird, reptile or duck-billed platypus. Neither was I born an adult, just a very mature child. And what exactly am I complaining about in the photo? All I want is for the little girl to go get me a vodka gimlet. Is that too much to ask?
  • Try treating children and their parents with decency and respect and you might find that kids aren’t really that bad. I always treat children and their parents with respect. Just this morning in the elevator of our building, I saw the little girl who lives across the hall for me. She used to have very beautiful long hair but today I noticed it had all been hacked off into a very handsome look. I complimented the little girl and told her that she looks way prettier now and that she should go sign up for the girl’s softball league and golf team. I also told her parents that their daughter is going to make some lesbian very happy someday. 
  • Do unto others as you would have done unto you…  Whoso keepeth his mouth and his tongue keepeth his soul from troubles. 

Thank you for your comment, Jarret. I do appreciate it. And thank you for coming to a page that is all about bitching and then getting upset that people bitch. There may be a better Facebook page out there for you to enjoy. Might I suggest one about puppies or rainbows? Those are always so great. Except sometimes puppies need help wiping their asses and every once in a while a rainbow comes from an egg. 

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17 Responses to A Comment on Comments

  1. Your dissection of people's comments is like watching art being created.

  2. PtMartini says:

    I adore you. We may have been separated at birth.

  3. MarketsNYC says:

    Did you hear about the Internet Cat Video Film Festival? Maybe Jared would like that.Maybe we should ALL go. Kittens fart rainbows.http://newyork.cbslocal.com/2013/04/02/internet-cat-video-festival-coming-to-brooklyn-in-the-fall/

  4. Calindy Mann says:

    In no universe or parallel dimension does a child screaming at the top of their lungs and tossing mac and cheese at passing patrons, while dumping chocolate milk on the floor, equal jadedness towards children on my part. Sometimes kids are just rotten brats or are too sick/tired to be out in public and their parents should just do the right thing and take them home.

    • infamousmare says:

      Amen. The whole reason my husband and I rarely take our cherubs out to dinner – nobody should be subjected to misbehaving, overtired and/or overindulged children. Only on best behavior and only in restaurants that cater to families. Period.

    • pope suburban says:

      Agreed. Truth is, there’s a whole lot of shit I didn’t do as a child, because my parents stepped in and prevented it– either by teaching me manners in the first place, or in the moment when it was clear my woobly little baby brain was too tired/overstimulated to be doing whatever it was. I don’t mind that kids get tired or don’t know limits, I’m not thick, but I mind that their dickhead parents don’t teach them better, and try to make it my problem that it, say, physically hurts to have someone shrieking six inches from my ear. I have nothing to say against parents who manage their kids, because they’re acknowledging other people’s needs (mine, other patrons’, their child’s) and trying to do unto other and all that. These sanctimonious assholes who let kids run wild and spout nonsense like Jarrett, on the other hand…no gold star for you, you clearly don’t know what living in a society entails.

  5. Serenity says:

    Completely off topic, but is this going to be your new layout and color scheme? Because it’s really really hard to read now. It’s making me sad :(

  6. ML says:

    I’m really curious… do the original commentors ever recomment on your “Comment on Comments”? ;)

  7. infamousmare says:

    Dear Jarrett,

    It’s a RITE of passage, not a ‘right of passage’, you entitled little twit. If you’re going to spew venom at someone please be sure to double check your spelling – it’s embarrassing to read poorly edited diatribes about frivolous stupidity. Now go away so that I can find out if that adorable toddler ever brought Bitchy his vodka gimlet.

    Love,
    Mare

  8. Intolerant Parent says:

    Ill mannered children belong at HOME. Nothing worse than being treated to a crying baby or a toddler tantrum, at $50+/plate. Quiet children, with good manners? NO problem. And NO CRAYONS at the table. EVER!

  9. Gene says:

    Children should be neither seen nor heard … they should be BBQ’d.

  10. Jenny says:

    Okkkkkkkkkkkkk so today at work we had SO MANY CHILDREN IN. We are a small establishment but I think at the end of the day about half our covers were under six. They were all so loud and arguing all the time and of course slowed things down for everyone. Normally I love children, but today I hated them.

  11. JBot says:

    You sir, are my hero.

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