I don’t know if you know this or not, but I have been waiting tables for a really long time. The first order I ever took, I remember that the man asked me for his brontosaurus burger to be rare and I was like, “Umm, no shit, it’s always rare. We ain’t discovered fire yet, asshole.” Needless to say, I know my way around a tray. However, today at work I am going in early to be trained. Keep in mind I have been at this particular job for over three years so I was under the impression that I knew how to take an order and then carry a drink twenty feet and hand it to someone, but I guess I was wrong. Last week, a head server was determined and today I will go meet with that head server to learn important information about either serving drinks or giving head. Fingers crossed it’s about oral sex, but I have my money on the other. The head server was born on August 26th, 1990. I looked at my diary from that day to see what I was doing when our head server made her first appearance on this earth. It said, “August 26th, 1990: work was a bitch and so was the hostess.” I have been waiting tables literally since the day she was born. Here is a list of some things that are older than the person who who will be training me today:
- My Birkenstocks that I bought in 1987.
- This diary entry from August 25th, 1990: “Up at 7:30 and to an audition. Home an napped for two hours, then to a call back. I did good. Then to work at Bennigan’s which was okay. Now to sleep for a long time.”
- The white bistro apron that is in my Halloween costume box.
- High definition television which was invented in 1989.
- Hot Pockets.
- Disposable cameras and disposable contacts.
- Dopler radar.
- When Harry Met Sally.
- A Goldfish cracker that I saved during a game of Yahtzee that is still in the box with the date written on it.
- Some of the stories I have written about on this blog like this one that took place when the head server was two months old.
I will go and I will be trained. It has been said that you can’t teach an old dog new tricks but I do not know if that holds true for waiters. My mind is open to new possibilities for this training. Maybe there is some new way to take orders that I have not learned of yet. Have I been wasting time using pen and paper when I could have been sending the orders telepathically? Have I been wasting steps carrying drinks when they could have been teleported directly to the table? I will learn all of these wonderful new techniques tonight at 5:00. I expect that tomorrow, my blog will have to change its name to “The Newly Trained Waiter Who Is No Longer Bitchy But is Wonderfully Proficient.”
Get ready, Head Server. Prepare to show me the way. Let me know what I have been doing wrong ever since you were still pooping in your pants and learning your ABC’s. I am all yours. As soon as I take a Prozac which is also older than you by one full year.