Waiting Tables Since the Beginning of Time

I don’t know if you know this or not, but I have been waiting tables for a really long time. The first order I ever took, I remember that the man asked me for his brontosaurus burger to be rare and I was like, “Umm, no shit, it’s always rare. We ain’t discovered fire yet, asshole.” Needless to say, I know my way around a tray. However, today at work I am going in early to be trained. Keep in mind I have been at this particular job for over three years so I was under the impression that I knew how to take an order and then carry a drink twenty feet and hand it to someone, but I guess I was wrong. Last week, a head server was determined and today I will go meet with that head server to learn important information about either serving drinks or giving head. Fingers crossed it’s about oral sex, but I have my money on the other. The head server was born on August 26th, 1990. I looked at my diary from that day to see what I was doing when our head server made her first appearance on this earth. It said, “August 26th, 1990: work was a bitch and so was the hostess.” I have been waiting tables literally since the day she was born. Here is a list of some things that are older than the person who who will be training me today:

  1. My Birkenstocks that I bought in 1987.
  2. This diary entry from August 25th, 1990: “Up at 7:30 and to an audition. Home an napped for two hours, then to a call back. I did good. Then to work at Bennigan’s which was okay. Now to sleep for a long time.”
  3. The white bistro apron that is in my Halloween costume box.
  4. High definition television which was invented in 1989.
  5. Hot Pockets.
  6. Disposable cameras and disposable contacts.
  7. Dopler radar.
  8. When Harry Met Sally.
  9. A Goldfish cracker that I saved during a game of Yahtzee that is still in the box with the date written on it.
  10. Some of the stories I have written about on this blog like this one that took place when the head server was two months old.

I will go and I will be trained. It has been said that you can’t teach an old dog new tricks but I do not know if that holds true for waiters. My mind is open to new possibilities for this training. Maybe there is some new way to take orders that I have not learned of yet. Have I been wasting time using pen and paper when I could have been sending the orders telepathically? Have I been wasting steps carrying drinks when they could have been teleported directly to the table? I will learn all of these wonderful new techniques tonight at 5:00. I expect that tomorrow, my blog will have to change its name to “The Newly Trained Waiter Who Is No Longer Bitchy But is Wonderfully Proficient.”

Get ready, Head Server. Prepare to show me the way. Let me know what I have been doing wrong ever since you were still pooping in your pants and learning your ABC’s. I am all yours. As soon as I take a Prozac which is also older than you by one full year.

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15 thoughts on “Waiting Tables Since the Beginning of Time

  1. Confessions from the Hairdresser

    I will anxiously await the follow-up post… …I don't typically invalidate people because of their age, but I would have no interest in being trained by a 23YO on a job that I already know how to do… …or on giving blowjobs. The only thing you might get from a 23YO on either subject is that enthusiasm that we all had at that age.

  2. Tracy

    Knowing what I think I know about 20 year olds, they probably have a better way to give a blow job, at least a kinkier way than what we know. Good luck… "yes and I was getting drunk when you were shitting your pants", this is what I think when the share that they were born the year I graduated high school or remark on how I've been at my job for 23 years and they are only 28 years old. I think this was your best post yet, keep writing!

  3. anne marie in philly

    oh lawd have mercy, a 20-something is gonna show YOU how it's done?!? then YOU tell the 20-something to go piss up a rope!I cannot wait to hear the rest of this fiasco.(deleted the previous comment due to shitty spelling; I blame springs1)

  4. Practical Parsimony

    Don't you wonder who thought this up? Really thought it up? I was trained as cocktail waitress after a year on the job by a child who had been there three months. Yes, this was her first job. She was the most unorganized bitch in the whole place.I really don't mind if someone younger is over me, just don't mess with me. I will do what I am supposed to do and make no waves. Stay away. Don't intefere just because you can.The next post will be priceless, I am sure.

  5. Nathan Partyka

    The student becomes the teacher, and the teacher becomes the person who is like:"Ummm what do you mean train me?"This trainer better be up to the game if they think they will be able to teach you something new…. Unless you are able to teleport drinks now.

  6. Anonymous

    Unbelievable. I hope she has at least one thing to contribute. For her sake. Given the length of your experience vs hers, how exactly does a "head waitress" get picked? ~PolishSpring

  7. sparky01gt

    I'm guessing this "head server" is as thrilled to be having to do this as you are. You've got a few years on me but I've been bartending for 15 years and I can't tell you how much I love some kid trying to tell me how to make a drink. Most recently I had one tell me I had no idea how to make a caipirinha and that I should be using rum and powdered sugar. 😛 He no longer works there.

  8. sweettea

    I too have been waiting tables since the beginning of time. My favorite story is when you are being trained and they say something so fucking stupid such as "the plates are here, then shut the door". Like it would never occur to me to shut a door in the middle of the service well. Then after being snarky and saying "why I never would have thought of closing the door" I get told "well you're new". Yes. Yes I am. And I was drinking Jameson till 4 in the morning when you were being born.


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