Not all pizza delivery guys are created equal it seems. Last week in Des Moines, Iowa, Chloe Teply decided she wanted to order a pizza to feed her face. The thing is though she didn’t have enough money to tip the driver but she figured, “No big whoop, I just won’t tip him.” Her mistake. The next morning, she found the door of her apartment to be covered in sweet frothy urine. With amazing powers of deduction, she determined that the only person who had recently been at her door who might have reason to piss the fuck all over it just might possibly be that guy who had hand-delivered her a Super Supreme Pizza, a feast of pepperoni, ham, beef, pork sausage, Italian sausage, red onions, mushrooms, green peppers and black olives that she probably ate all alone in the dark while watching Twilight. And oh yeah, she didn’t tip him, so maybe he was upset. Gee, Chloe, you think?
“It’s just one of those things where unfortunately, I don’t have the money,” said Chloe in between bites of her sides of Buffalo Burnin’ Hot Wings and Cheese Sticks. A quick look of the surveillance video confirmed her suspicions and Pizza Hut was contacted and the guy was fired. Chloe goes on to say that maybe him being fired is not enough. “I mean, is he gonna come back and clean it up? I didn’t expect him to, but maybe I should make a few phone calls, you know? See what he’s doin'”
Yeah, he lost his job so he has all the time in the world to come back to your poor white trash apartment complex and mop up some pee.
Chloe, always the sensitive soul, also says, “If you’re gonna be really upset about things like that maybe you shouldn’t be a pizza delivery guy at all.”
Okay. No, I do not condone peeing on the door. Everyone knows that the delivery guy went way past the line with that move, but who here doesn’t understand his frustration? He’s not delivering pizza because it’s fun, he’s doing it to make money. I have said it before and I will say it again: tipping is part of our culture. Plan on it. If you can’t afford to tip, you can’t afford to order food or eat out.
I know the question on all your lips is, “But what would you have done, Bitchy Waiter?” I will tell you. I would have told Chloe thank you very much with a most sincere smile. I then would have gone back to my car and pulled out a pen and some paper to write down her address so I would be sure to remember it. I then would have gone home and pulled up a one of those websites that prisoners go to in order to find pen pals. I would have found some hot mess who is looking for companionship and write a letter on her Chloe’s behalf. Someone like this guy, Joseph:
His profile: “33 years old, 5’10”, 191 pounds. Hot, spicy foods are some of life’s simple joys I really dig. And do with enthusiasm! Likes to eat.” Sounds like a match made in Buffalo Burnin’ Hot Wings Heaven.
On the other end of the pizza delivery guy spectrum, I got an email from someone named Kitty. She says, “So today I ordered pizza from this little local Italian restaurant in my town. I usually have the same driver each time. I tip 6 or 7 bucks each time. About 10 min after he left I heard a knock on the door. It was the driver. Apparently there was an extra 20 stuck to the money I handed him and he wanted to return it. I was so shocked I let him keep it. I had to chase him across the street to get him to keep it lol. Having someone be so honest made my day and I hope I made his too.”
I would suspect that most pizza delivery guys fall somewhere between these two. Not all of them are going to pee on your door if you stiff them and not all of them are going to drive back if they think you tipped them too much. The only thing we can know for sure about this story is that Chloe Teply is cheap. Cheap, cheap, cheap.