Yeah, I Hate Happy Kids Too. So What?

Children all over the world are the same. Whether in a Queens restaurant or at an outdoor cafe in Paris, they find a way to crawl under my skin and nestle there like an unwanted splinter from a centuries-old wooden banister that may or may not have been used by Quasimodo. The child doesn’t have to be in a restaurant to do their number on me.

While riding the world famous Eurostar on my way back to London from Paris, I am sitting across the aisle from a happy little girl of about two years old. The train ride is two hours and twenty minutes which doesn’t seem that long until you consider that it will be followed by an almost eight hour flight back to the States. My day of travel is just beginning. The child across from me has dark curly hair, not unlike the freshly sprouted of pubes of a teenage werewolf and she speaks a language I am not familiar with. I do not recognize it to be French. Her mother is of Asian descent and her father appears to be from one of those vague Eastern European countries that excels at producing gold medal winning gymnasts and superintendents of buildings in New York City. The little girl has the beginning of a very successful uni-brown and her voice is husky and deep as if she needs to clear her throat of a colony of frogs that took residence amongst her tonsils. She is laughing, cooing and talking with the occasional foray into a gleeful scream. She is a very happy child and she does not shut up the entire train ride.

“Well, a least she wasn’t crying,” some would say. I’m not so sure about that.

When a child cries, most parents do their best to get them to stop. When a child repeatedly screams with laughter, most parents see no reason to stop them despite the fact that the person across the aisle from them has blood dripping from his eardrums. Mixed with her Brenda Vacarro-like vocal cords, it is unbearable. This little girl has a future doing Harvey Firestein impersonations. She sounds like Suzanne Pleshette after gargling with a glass of Bea Arthur. She needs a Ricola or a throat transplant, whichever is easier to find halfway between Paris and London. “Wheeee,” she coughs out as she walks past me for the fifteenth time, this time with her backpack, I assume to be full of unused Throat Coat Tea. I look at her pigtails and flash a fake smile so her parents will have no idea that I am typing about their offspring at this very moment.

She returns to her seat and burps a few times, each burp having the inexplicable sound of a rhinoceros trying to clear its throat while under water. It hurts to hear it and I look over to make sure she hasn’t just coughed up a piece of James Earl Jones’ leftover vocal cord. She hasn’t. She laughs at her belch. Her mother tells the girl something and the little girl repeats it. And then burps again and laughs a throaty laugh that reminds me of Elizabeth Ashley after smoking two packs of Camels.

I have twenty minutes left of my train ride and I am thrilled when I see the family get off at Ebbsfleet instead of staying on the train all the way to London. The train is quiet at last and I relish the silence knowing that once I get on the plane in just three short hours, I run the risk of experiencing it all over again.

Yes, kids are the same all over the world and no matter what language they are whining in, they get on my nerves. I understand that traveling with children can be very stressful for parents which is why I would never ever say anything to someone. I suck it up and deal with it knowing that at least my time with the kid is temporary. But it does give me great pleasure to write a blog post about them and know that maybe someday the parent might see it and think, “Hmmm, I think he’s talking about my kid.” If your kid is about two years old and has a voice like sandpaper and you were on the Eurostar on September 27, 2012, yes I am talking about you and I hated your little girl. Make her drink some honey and shut the hell up.

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50 thoughts on “Yeah, I Hate Happy Kids Too. So What?

  1. Señora H-B

    I like most kids and *I* agree with you on overly-exuberant children. I'd much rather have a screaming baby on a plane than one that just will not. stop. talking. Why can't they all just read quietly and keep to themselves? On second thought…maybe I don't like them as much as I thought I did. Hmmmm…

  2. Anonymous

    I know I shouldn't take this personally but being a father of two lovely little girls, I kinda do. I will tell you that had I been the father of that child and if I thought for a second someone was peering down their nose at my daughter with disdain because she's just a two year old being a two year old, I would get right in their grill and see how annoyed they really are. I think you know that, and it's the real reason you didn't "say anything." I'll bet you would have been all vocal about it if the father wasn't present.John Anthony

  3. Peace

    Hey John Anthony,Last time I checked, peering down one's nose at a noisy kid, while their handlers do nothing to stop it, is NOT against the law. I will peer at your child all I want, and if you "get in my grill," I will call security over and file a complaint against you for harassment. If you're "in my grill" enough, you will be arrested for assault, while all I did is look distainfully at your ill mannered, noisy progeny. And i will laugh at you 🙂

  4. Callie Dee

    I've had this happen in the restaurant I work in. First of all I LOVE when a child is happy and not screaming bloody murder for an unknown reason while I'm giving drinks to the 10 top with reservations right next to them…but sometimes too happy is also extremely annoying. When a kid is screaming either way, whether happy or upset the parents need to get their kid to shut up because other diners are not in my restaurant to listen to the sounds of a daycare.

  5. Anonymous

    Yeah. It's wussy to be a father. That's rich, and indicative of the selfishness that has spread like a cancer through our society. I would get right in all of your grills. I don't think I would be met with anything but a bunch of "I'm sorry sir." It's obvious that you're all a bunch of scared little people, and couldn't handle the responsibility of having kids. Secondly, if you saw me you wouldn't be running off at the mouths like you are now. I guarantee that. Lastly, hating kids is nothing to be proud of. What's the matter with you people? Just look at bitchy waiters childhood photos and try and tell me he wasn't a pain in the ass cry-baby as a youngster. I mean he has "wounded" written all over his face. I guarantee that kid cried at the drop of a hat about the smallest of incidents. WTF? You are gonna all act like you had the perfect parenting and never impacted your surroundings as a child? Ever? Every single one of you were just perfect little kids with parents who were lucky enough to possess the universal child raising guide. You can't find the beauty of a two year old burping and laughing at her own burps, you're DEAD inside. The cynicism has eaten your soul. Sorry. That sucks for you.John Anthony

    1. kenny916

      Mr. Anthony aka anonymous, I agree with you 100%! I am a father of two little boys at home and never had a problem with happy kids. You wrote exactly what I was thinking.
      I know I’m late, by over 3yrs haha but this was a wonderfully written piece, but it bothered me..
      What person in their right mind hates “happy” kids?!?

  6. jMAN5

    Hey anon, I have been known to ask a couple with a very scary looking father to shut their kid the hell up. If you teach them to use indoor voices then they won't scream in public, My two and half year old cousin has hear 'Indoor Voice' a bunch and he instantly lowers his voice so it is possible. You are the one who can't take the responsibility of being a parent

  7. Anonymous

    1. Just when did ill-mannered crotch droppings become a point of pride? 2. Why ever would any responsible parent allow their jizz-egg mix be a massive nuisance to the environment AND get angry over consequences? 3. Is "John Anthony" the smae "Spring1" person? ~PolishSpring

  8. Anonymous

    Hey Jman5Right. Your two year old cousin instantly goes to her indoor voice every single time it's appropriate. Uh-huh. That's so ridiculous for you to even try to perpetrate. It's your cousin and not your kid, and you have NO idea how that kid behaves most of the time, angelic or not, you're not the parent, so you really don't know. "Indoor Voice" is a great concept and kids will adhere to it most of the time, but really a two year old is gonna do what they want. Don't try and tell me otherwise. I won't believe any of your stories about how your cousins or nieces or selves know/knew when it was appropriate to act a certain way when you were just two years old. Another thing all of you selfish and vulgar space takers are missing is that nobody has any idea what is taking place in these peoples lives or what kind of day they might have had. Suppose that family on the train was returning from the funeral of a loved one, or from the doctor where they just learned that their beautiful two-year old girl has cancer? What if that kid was just diagnosed with cancer? How the fuck would you feel then? Every single one of you were a headache to a stranger at one point in your childhood. I don't believe a word of your comment, BTW.John Anthony

  9. Anonymous

    Actually, John Anthony, I'm trained to use a side arm and have learned self defense techniques. As a former assault victim, I don't take well to threats. You'd be best not to assume you can "take someone out". Especially when you're acting on butthurtitis because someone gave your Precious a dirty look.

  10. BluntDinerz

    I kinda get where he's (JA) coming from, but the tough guy thing loses him cred, fasho. The incident on the train could have bothered everyone, but I'm prone to think TBW was maybe a little focused on the kid. Sounds like something that could have been remedied with headphones or even a game on the phone or something. All good, no disrespect. It's his job and it made for a great blog post. I laughed my ass off as always. Now, I know this is a place to bitch and that's what we do here. I also have been through a ton of entitled parent crap. I lived and worked as a srver not thirty miles away from where the potty training mom hails. I've seen some shit. Cheerio war is hell. But when it comes to the kid thing on this blog, there is a sense from most of the servers who comment that there should be regulations or certain rules when it comes to kids dining out. We are not great servers if we do not try to make all people happy. I know a lot of us have come on here and hinted to our dining room prowess, but being an efficient dynamo is only half of it. We all know that. BluntDinerz

    1. guest

      What the hell does that shit have to do with this webpage?! Either you stick to what this topic of this article’s about or get the fuck off!

  11. Jackie

    "She returns to her seat and burps a few times, each burp having the inexplicable sound of a rhinoceros trying to clear its throat while under water. It hurts to hear it and I look over to make sure she hasn't just coughed up a piece of James Earl Jones' leftover vocal cord."Bahahahaha!

    1. guest

      Shove that damn laughter up your ass, retard! If I see and hear you cry out in pain because of it,I’d laugh cruelly at you.

  12. Anonymous

    One the one hand, I find kids screaming with laughter annoying. Headphones don't cut it out, and I jerk up EVERY SINGLE TIME thinking someone is getting hurt. On the other hand, regular kid stuff, not screaming, I find can be blocked out by headphones, so seriously, put them on. On my third, mutant hand, I am not okay with the threats of violence going on here. I understand that we all feel strongly about this, but can't we have a reasonable adult discussion, listening to and seriously considering all points of view? And finally, on my fourth mutant hand, Mr. Anthony, I understand that you are upset and feel that people have insulted your children. Completely understandable thing to get upset about. But, I don't think that you should tell other people that their experiences, or children, are wrong or lies or don't exist. All children are different, everyone has different experiences. All we can do is say, "In my experience . . ." or "Of the children I have personally seen . . .". Kate

  13. Mrs McGangles

    To set the record straight: I ADORE kids. I love loud bouncy kids BUT WHEN IT IS APPROPRIATE ie in the park, beach, play area, etc, NOT a movie theatre, train or cafe. That being said, I seriously find todays society to be completely lacking in manners and respect, and this can especially be seen in parents and their attitudes about their progeny.I GET kids can throw tantrums/be loud/rude etc, there is no such thing as a perfect child. I sympathise with that, I really do. What really gets up my nose is when parents treat this sort of behaviour as completely acceptible and DO NOTHING TO TRY AND CORRECT IT. Laughing very loudly and running around on a train unattended: unnacceptible. Burping and making rude noises: so rude and disrespectful it makes my head spin. Seriously, I remember being a snotty little rugrat, who had VERY powerful lungs… and my mother and father had absolutely NO PROBLEM with reprimanding me when I used them in an inappropriate setting. Like squealing in a shopping centre, or running around in a restraunt. Or laughing out loud in places where it would have been inappropriate. Basically when I was a complete little brat my parents dragged me back in line. They probably had to do it CONSTANTLY. But they did it. They didn't allow me to get away with thinking my behaviour was in any way acceptible. Parents who have never grasped the concept of other peoples feelings don't do this… and everyone wonders why kids don't show anyone even a basic level of respect (usually it is blatantly clear they don't even respect their parents. The old adage that 'Children should be heard and not seen' isn't about ignoring kids. It is about teaching respect and the concept that the world does not revolve around them.Pandering to them because you think they are so precious that no-one should mind their antics is not doing them any favours, quite the opposite.

  14. Anonymous

    You know what big mean ole daddy? A person's eardrums will be damaged regardless of the reason. A person will still get a headache or a migraine whether the kid is thrilled to pieces or scared or hungry or whatever. No one wants their hearing ruined and their nerves shredding by the shrieking kid. What happened to the days when parents told their kids that you NEVER EVER scream like that unless you were on fire?? Now days, overly permissive parents let their howler monkeys go hog wild in public and it is IRRITATING and RUDE. But maybe you people are so deaf you can't hear it anymore. Guess what, the rest of us would like to retain our hearing, not have it blasted away by some screeching kid because the parent can't be bothered to, oh, you know, PARENT.Signed, No One Loves Your Howler Monkey But YOU

  15. SlumSlut

    In reference to JA the Sanctimonious Daddy-Bear:First of all, I'll "peer down my nose" at HIM, forget about peering at his KIDS. Kids are KIDS, they don't know any better at that age (0-6 years or so) and it's their lame-ass BREEDERS that are not even TRYING to make them shut up or even ENCOURAGING them to be obnoxious with whom I have a problem.Second, what a fine example this bozo is setting for said kids. When someone looks at you in an odd way, beat the shit out of them.Third, most of the people I know don't even HAVE a grill, and of those who do, none of them carry it around everywhere they go. So, STFU with your hip-hop terminology because it is the opposite of impressive.

  16. The Bride

    Seriously, this was a light hearted piece about Bitchy's personal opinion of a child and it has dissolved to the point where some idiot is talking about side arms. Calm the fuck down already.

  17. Anonymous

    Parents have a responsibility to socialize their children. Its nice your kid is happy, but shrieking and talking at top volume isn't acceptable. They don't "know better" but its our job to teach them that, not the general public's to put up with it. When we share public spaces we have to be willing to give and take. My daughter is past that stage, but she is six and she's chatty. She would talk anyone's ear off if she could. I don't demand she sit in silence, but I don't put up with interrupting and I don't insist strangers endure her incessant chatter about My little ponies.

  18. Anonymous

    Ever since my child was an INFANT, I've worked to condition her about acceptable levels of noise. (Older infant obviously, from about the age of 7+ months). When she did the happy peircing screech thing I would acknowledge her happiness by returning a smile and talking in a lower tone (exaggerated) I would shake my head when she did it. I wasn't ugly or mean about it, but she came to associate my shaking my head with expressing her happiness in a less shrieky way. Since then she's always been relatively quiet/noise appropriate. She is a very happy well adjusted kid. But she doesn't scream her ass off at inappropriate times like she's at a football game. I think it can be done, it just takes patience and consistency. I can't please everyone and my kid may still annoy people by simply existing. I'm not trying to please those sorts of people or anyone really. I just want her to grow up with manners and consideration for others. It will make the world more pleasant for her later. No one likes an asshole.


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