What in the hell is up with the chewed gum that I keep seeing in places other than mouths? The only other place I should ever see gum is in its package at the store. Don’t people have any manners anymore? Look, I chew gum on occasion because I want to make sure my breath is minty fresh when I am all up in the grill of a customer. (That “grill” comment is for you, John Anthony, father of two lovely little girls.) When I am done with that gum, I take it out of my mouth and place it in a trash receptacle. I don’t spit it out on the subway platform or onto the sidewalk or stick it under a table and I certainly do not put it on the edge of my plate at a restaurant. People who chew gum and stick it on the edge of your plate at a restaurant: stop it.
When I am clearing plates from a table, nothing is more disgusting than seeing some tired ass used up piece of gum stuck on the rim of the plate. With the gum there, I can’t stack plates and the plate is going to need special attention when it gets to the dish room because that gum isn’t going to slide off the plate like a french fry or a leftover hamburger bun. The gum is going to need to be physically removed by someone and if it’s not me then it’s going to be Julio the dishwasher and Julio has enough to do, what with emptying grease traps, cleaning toilets, dragging trash cans to the back to be sprayed with a water hose and doing my roll-ups for an extra five dollars. Customers, I ask that you deal with your own used chewing gum.
The disposal of gum has always a problem. I never understood why we were not allowed to chew it in high school until one day I crossed my legs at my desk and my knee brushed up against some Bubble Yum ruining my Jordache jeans. That was not the look I want to know better. I heard Oprah say once that there was no gum allowed in her studio because she hated it so much. She told a story of how she had someone over to her mansion for dinner of squab, escargot and gold leaf quiches when she noticed that the child of her friend put her used gum on the edge of the plate. Oprah, being all Oprah, was completely bleched out and had to throw the plate away because she knew she’d never want to use it again. Bitch please, just have one of your maids or Gayle King scrape that shit off and get over it.
Maybe some people don’t know what to do with their gum when they are done with it. I have some suggestions:
- swallow it.
- collect a bunch of it and place it underneath your child’s ass so it will remain seated while in my station.
- create a Gum Wall anywhere but my restaurant.
- put it in the hair of the lady sitting next to you on the 7 train who is talking on her cell phone way too loud about the bunion surgery she’s saving up for because her “insurance don’t cover that shit.”
- feed it to a baby and see what happens.
- just keep chewing it until it dissolves.
- wrap it up in the same piece of paper it came in and then drop it into a trash can, you stupid asshole.
- Or do what Violet Beauregarde does:
“Well, normally, I’m a gum chewer. But when I heard about these ticket things of Wonka’s, I laid off the gum and switched to candy bars, instead. Now, of course, I’m right back on gum. I chew it all day, except at mealtimes when I stick it behind my ear. Now, this little piece of gum I’ve been chewing on for three months solid. That’s a world record. It’s beaten the record held by my best friend, Miss Cornelia Prince Medal. And, was she mad. Hi, Cornelia. How are ya, Sweetie?”
Seriously, if you’re going to chew gum, please be responsible with it and dispose of it properly. I don’t want to see it on the edge of your plate. And I don’t want to see it in the urinal either. Somebody has to get that gum out of there, you know and that person has a name.
His name is Julio.