“How To Pinch a Penny” or “I’m a Cheap Ho”

You know me, always on the lookout to help those who are less fortunate then myself and I found someone who is in desperate need of my assistance. It is whoever wrote the stupid fucking article called 7 Tips to Reduce Your Restaurant Bill. Most of the suggestions fall in the same category as “the earth is round,” “the sky is blue” and “that old lady is gonna send her tea back because the water isn’t hot enough.” In other words, duh. I made a few amendments to the article that I think most servers can truly appreciate.

1. Use coupons and promotions.
Sign up for daily deals sites like Groupon and LivingSocial, where you can find discounts for 50% to 90% off…

…because servers love waiting on people who have coupons. Groupon Groupies are always so pleasant and generous. I mean, if a person is using Groupon to save money then that totally must mean they are going to use those extra dollars they saved to tip better, right?

Also take advantage of restaurant promotions. For instance, Applebees consistently offers a two-for-$20 deal, which includes two meals (you select from a list of  entrees) and an appetizer. Olive Garden is popular for its limited-time offers, such as unlimited soup, salad and breadsticks. 

Why are you even at Applebee’s or Olive Garden? If you are eating at one of those places, you have much bigger issues to deal with then how to save a few bucks.

2. Buy cheap gift certificates.
Visit Restaurant.com, where you can browse local restaurants and buy discounted gift certificates such as $25 certificates for $10, or $50 certificates for $20. 

Just remember to tip on the original amount that the food cost. Just because you are using a coupon doesn’t mean that your server should make less money. If every person who sat in his station that night had a 50% off coupon, and they all tipped on the discounted amount, the server would be making half of what he normally would. Does that sound fair to you? 

3. Skip the booze.
If you order wine by the glass, you could be looking at a 400% markup. And as delicious as they are, fancy, fruity drinks are also overpriced. Even at a budget-friendly chain restaurant, you could end up paying as much as $7 for a strawberry daiquiri.

I want to know where a strawberry daiquiri only costs $7. Unless it’s at Applebee’s or Olive Garden you can expect to see me there as soon as I am finished typing this.

 The cheapest (and healthiest) route, of course, is to order water.

Just make sure you ask for lots of lemons and some Splenda so that you can make your own lemonade. Servers love doing this for you. If you don’t want lemonade, ask for cucumber slices or some fresh mint to brighten up your water. Just because you don’t want to spend $3 on a Coke doesn’t mean your taste buds have to suffer . Trust me, waiters don’t mind one bit. And once they bring your bowl of lemons, that is a good time to ask for more bread.

4. Order an entree that includes extras.
If you’re going to spend more than $10 on a dinner entree, it should include a soup, salad or dessert. If you can’t eat everything, take the rest of your meal home or purposely save some leftovers.

Again, where the fuck is this chick eating where she thinks a $10 dinner entree should automatically come with something? In New York City, the only thing that is going to come with a $10 entree is a half empty plate. And if you take the leftovers with you, please make sure it’s not two or three fucking french fries. At least make it worth the to-go box it’s going to be in. Really, is one more bite of steak worth the million years it will take that Styrofoam container to decompose? Oh it is? Then by all means, do it. And have your green beans in a separate container as well, you cheap un-caring fuck.

5. Order an appetizer as your meal.
Appetizers like quesadillas or chicken wings can easily be a sufficient meal, especially because they are usually served in portions big enough to share. 

If you can save three dollars, forgo that need for vegetable servings. Who needs ’em? You just eat that big plate of chicken wings or quesadillas and get yourself some more free bread and in no time at all you will have saved enough money to go get that liposuction you have been dreaming about.

6. Check your bill.
If you think you paid too much for a mediocre meal, don’t be afraid to politely mention it to your server. We’ve all ordered a chicken dish that included more pasta than chicken. Rather than being annoyed about paying top dollar for a bowl of pasta, say something. Maybe you’ll score a discount or gift card — or even a free meal.

No place is going to serve equal parts pasta to equal parts chicken. We don’t even do that at home, do we? So she suggests that after you eat it, you just mention that you didn’t like it so maybe you can get it comped? Hell, no. If you do that, your server is going to think you’re a total asshole. Nothing is more annoying than a person licking their plate clean and then letting us know that they didn’t like their food. If it happens in my station, the only thing they’re going to get is an extra side of “too fucking bad.”

7. Earn cash back through surveys.
I don’t even know what the fuck she is talking about. I f you can’t afford to eat out, just eat at home.

I think you will agree with me that my suggestions make this article much much better. If you do agree, you should go over to the article and post a comment about it. Tell them The Bitchy Waiter sent you. That way they can see that the author really needed to do a little more research before posting the story. And that research could have started with a quick Google search for me, The Bitchy Waiter. If you think that those tips that were offered were a big steaming pile of “no shit,” I hope you will share this blog post.

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43 thoughts on ““How To Pinch a Penny” or “I’m a Cheap Ho”

  1. Anonymous

    The last one is just ridiculous. Not only will the server think you're an annoying greedy, cheap assed bastard, but so will the managers who have to discount it. Just because they give you that discount doesn't mean they agree with you. I work for a cooperate place so they don't have a choice but to do what they can to make the guest happy. But trust me, they talk about you as well once you leave. I once had a manager who said went to a table who complained about the meat after it was gone say " So you waited until you finished the whole thing before telling me? Next time let me know BEFORE you eat the whole thing and we will be happy to fix it for you.". It was the greatest day ever!

    1. Robert

      I did that line as a manager to a guy who ate all but one bite of his meal except I played it like, “Sir we would never force you to eat something that you don’t like! If this EVER happens again please feel free to let us know and we will be happy to give you something else or refund you. You really didn’t HAVE to eat it!”

      Then I smiled and walked away. The guy was so dumbfounded I think it took him a minute to realize he wasn’t getting a comp (or even a free dessert).

  2. Anonymous

    Anyone who is this cheap, should just go to a take out, fast food place and skip the service restaurants. . left a comment on their page on your behalf,cheryl.

  3. Dana White

    Did anyone see the lady with a kitten drinking wine in the video? What kind of restaurants are these people talking about anyways? Health code violation for sure!

  4. lapetitefée

    I think I have only – *giggles at your comment disclaimer, then continues* – used a Groupon for a meal once, because it was at a wine bar and…w ell, I like my wine, alright? Not ashamed of it at all, either.I'm reading the article now and it's…. sort of making me cry.

  5. Confessions from the Hairdresser

    Holy shit, who the fuck are these tips for?? Ten dollar entrees with extras? I spend more than that at McDonalds. And don't even get me STARTED on encouraging the useless penny-pinching whores that read articles like this to complain about food JUST BECAUSE THEY THINK IT'S MEDIOCRE more than they ALREADY DO.

  6. Jill

    I'm still on the fence with the water thing. If I order a water, I'm not "trying" to be cheap. A sweet soda is like a dessert to me and not something I enjoy w/ food. Now if I go to an old timey cliche ice cream place or diner – yeah, gimme that grape ice cream soda or milkshake!

  7. Rogue Wino

    I have one piece of advice this cheap ass writer left out: Stay the fuck home. Learn how to cook.The tactics listed in the articles are ones that put people out of business. Restaurants. com is a scam, you pay the website for the gift certificate, 20 for 50 dollars worth of food, but the restaurant gets Zero cut out of this.

  8. Rogue Wino

    Lol, just read the original article, she does recommend staying the fuck home. Then she says: but what if "your best friend gets engaged and wants to go out for a celebratory meal," or it's a birthday or something. If my best friend took me to an applebees or a place with 10 dollar entrees for my birthday… well, it goes without saying. I'd much rather my friends cook me a big dinner than treat me to microwaved food

  9. Swissy

    this author needs to go undercover as a server before dispensing advice. I bet she shops for frozen p.f. chang entrees at the store and then complains to them.

  10. Anonymous

    Missy Jewell4 minutes ago via AddThis SharingSaw this article in a different light once I read The Bitchy Waiter's opinion on the matter. Check out #6, this is my pet peeve. How are you going to tell me something was wrong with your meal after? 1. After you have eaten the item that was unsatisfactory? 2. After I asked you virtually right after or before you begin to eat if everything is ok? 3. After I have been to your table usually at least twice to refill your drinks and you could have voiced a complaint. 4. I have been by your table during your entire dining experience and was attentive to my customers. It's not like I do a disappearing act and can't be found. If I go smoke 90% of the time, I have checked on my customers or do so as I go outside. 5. I have personally checked with your table at least twice asking specifically if everything was ok and cleared any dirty dishes. So Yes, after all the effort and energy I put into every customer I do get a bit pissed when someone waits to complain to me after they have had every opportunity to express their dissatisfaction to me. Or even better, what really will make my day is the customer that waits until they are cashing out to complain to another server or my boss. Makes me think those kind people are not really customers, they are just Cheapasses trying to get something for nothing. That's ok, they are not the real customers you see everyday and whose tips pay your bills. Real customers are the people you see often, you know what they are drinking the moment you see their car drive up out front to park, you know they like seasoned french fries or two pickles. Customers you grow to be fond of and notice when they are not there. So there are a few Cheapskates, you "Gotta take the good with the bad" as Daddy would say. ♥ 7 Ways to Radically Reduce Your Restaurant Checks http://www.moneytalksnews.comIf you need to take a bite out of your dining budget, use these tips to lower the cost without sacrificing a good

  11. anne marie in philly

    when spouse and I go out to eat, both of us order booze, we split an app, we each get an entree, we split a dessert. we do wind up taking half our entrees home for tomorrow's lunch. and we sometimes get 2 desserts to go for later.20% tip is always left for the server.I have participated in local (read: not chain) restaurant deals, but the tip is ALWAYS based on full price. and I get to try a local eating establishment I might not have known otherwise.the person that wrote this lame POS waste of ink needs to learn to cook. just drink water?; fuck that shit, I can do that at home! when I'm out, I wanna get my booze on!

  12. Anonymous

    Oh, and here's the self-written bio of this cheap prick. When you read what he says about himself, your blood will boil over the fact that he was telling people how to cheat restaurant owners and waiters out of their revenue:Here's a little bit about me, my background, what I do and why I do it. I'm a 50-something single guy living in beautiful Fort Lauderdale, FL, the yachting capital of the world. I live in a modest house on a canal off the Intracoastal Waterway and have a boat or two behind my house. I love riding motorcycles (Softail Custom) sailing, fishing, traveling and laughing out loud as often as possible.As far as credentials go, I've got more than most. I've been a CPA since 1980 and have also earned licenses in stocks, commodities, options, mutual funds, life insurance and real estate. I spent 10 years working for three Wall Street firms (EF Hutton, Shearson and Prudential) and have been investing in both stocks and real estate for about 30 years.For the last 20 years, I've written, produced and distributed Money Talks News, a consumer/personal finance TV news feature that airs in about 80 cities nationwide as well as around the web. I've now done close to 3,000 personal finance news stories. I've also written a few books, including what I modestly consider to be the best how-to-get-out-of-debt book in the universe, Life or Debt.While I'm certainly not rich in the Palm Beach/Central Park West sense, I'm financially independent, meaning I work because I want to and not because I have to. And here's something that separates me from many of the money morons you'll find on Oprah: I didn't get here by selling books, tapes or seminars. I did it the same way I expect you to: one hard-fought paycheck at a time.

  13. disgruntledserver

    Seriously? This article encourages people to complain about portion size to get a discount? What a cheap fucking bastard! Stay the Fuck home if you can't afford to eat out. Id love nothing more than to find out where people who do that kind of stuff work and go complain about their lack of job performance and Fuck with their monthly income!

  14. Anonymous

    What kind of lame miserable fuck goes out for a meal with the idea of penny-pinching??I am far from rich and have to save where I can, but eating out are about luxury, and spending money you normally wouldn't – even if it is just lunch at a little cafe. If you can't afford to eat there, then DON'T EAT THERE!!! Simple!!

  15. Anonymous

    The only one of these I've ever done is using coupons. I'm on the Email list of one restaurant and they send me coupons a lot, so I take advantage of them. What is wrong with that?

  16. Suze

    Thanks for the laugh and I am headed over to the original article too. Cheap people are becoming my latest pet peeve as a bartender and as a general human being. I ordered out a veggie calzone last week at work. It ended up accidently having a bit of italian sausage in it. But I was back at work, eating it for lunch – I ate it and it was fine. My coworker asked how my calzone was and I mentioned the accidental sausage. She said she would have called the restaurant to complain. I said that wouldn't do any good because I ate it and it wasn't bad. No point in complaining. Her response was maybe I could've got a coupon for next time. Why do people's brains work that way??? UGH.

  17. CityGirl

    As a waiter for many many many years I applaud you.I tried to go to the comments on this pathetic article and tell them and their photo of fat white trash enjoying a penny-pinched meal but alas…no comments to be found. I will settle for sharing your blog. Love it!

  18. Amanda

    Oh man. I'm about to get back into the service industry after a long hiatus, and now instead of your posts cracking me up, they're scaring the shit out of me! I remember Allllll of these customers. Ugh. At least there's always a good story in there. Thanks again!Amanda at Pair-Ranting

  19. Anonymous

    I have been around here since before you went on the Dr. Phil show and battled the fishstick lady and you know that I don't blow smoke up your butt. because you said it was uncomfortable.Anyway,My Father uses those groupons and do you know what he does? He calculates how much he saved and ADDS it to his tip. Of course everytime we have to hear about how my mom put him through school on tips and if it weren't for tips we would have had to walk uphill each way to school with no shoes in the middle of winter. In Florida. ;)My Father really does use those CGroupons to the servers advantage. I kinda like that about him.Hugs, Robin

  20. Anonymous

    My God, I remember reading this and staring at it like an idiot, then some complaining to the boyfriend probably. I thought it was stupid as hell, you're given a menu which, I assume, has the prices on it. You judge your order based on needs, which includes pricing and continue from there. Simple as that. I hate coupons and discounts because people automatically assume everything comes along with them. Can't they just be concerned mostly about allergy and dislikes such as my complete disdain for nuts and mushrooms?

  21. karla

    I understand your points, I really do, I worked in restaurants and bars for 11 years… but the “If you are too poor to go out you should keep your crappy arse at home where we don’t have to deal with you” attitude? Well, that really sucks.

    So, what you are saying is that if you are poor then you have no right to enter a restaurant unless you pay like someone who earns a decent wage?. The “If you can’t pay up properly then we don’t want you around us, you scum.” attitude? That’s not fair.

    To some it is a little luxury to go out and the only way they can do it is on the cheap. But according to a lot of comments on your articles poor people should not go out at all if they can’t afford to ‘splurge’ (and to many it IS splurging).

    Not everyone who is on a tiny budget wants to eat at a chain ‘restaurant’… nor should they have be forced to for fear of going somewhere else makes them feel “cheap”. Believe it or not, some people earn less than servers and just want to go out eat in a semi-nice place, just once in a while… Sheesh…. have a heart.

    P.S. I do understand that the article you are referencing here is a little “Duh”, but having recently discovered your blog and read through a lot of the comments sections, I thought I would just give my ‘2 cents’ on a recurring theme that became evident to me. (Yes, I can only give 2 cents, it is because I am poor, NOT cheap… will happily keep my 2 cents if it is of little use to anyone else. ‘See a penny’ and all.)

    P.S. Also, your attitude towards people who DO eat in chain restaurants is awful… but you don’t want these ‘uneducated, fat, inbred, cheap, poor scum’ coming into YOUR restaurant… so where else do you expect the poor to eat if they want to go out?

    Reeks a bit of elitism to me.

    (Oops, I gave another two cents, crap, that’s more than I can afford… can I have my money back?… Oh, and a ‘complimentary’ comment? Ta.)

    Oh lordy… why am I making comments on a blog post that was created last year? I dunno… think I might find and feed my cats… “Kitties! Kitties! Come here. Mommas got some left over McDonalds for ya!”… sigh… I need a life.

    Help! I have fallen under a swarm of starving cats… and.. arg… MEOW!… hlp… oh shit… Get away from my face… Noo… I SAID NOOO!!!… gargle… purr

  22. karla

    From Cat Adonis and Master of All:

    Obviously she meant to “P.P.S.” that second addendum…

    It was her dying wish that error be corrected.

    If you notice any further errors in posts from this address it is because we are cats…

    and therfore:

    Fuck you.

  23. Robert

    Oddly enough in spite of all the people who said they left comments when I just visited the site it had…0 comments.

    I guess comments expire after a certain period of time.

  24. jenbjen

    Even though I’ve only been to this one cheapest restaurant I’ve known to be almost robbery cheap is George Webb’s, and that place sounds quite like the $10 deal.

    Unless, that $10 is a buffet, then that’s a bit more different.

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  26. Jon

    I use coupons all the time. BUT… 1, I’m not an asshole and 2, I used to be a pretty horrible bartender so I know what it’s like to dance for my dinner. If I can’t tip at least 25% pre discount on the whole bill I stay home.


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