You know me, always on the lookout to help those who are less fortunate then myself and I found someone who is in desperate need of my assistance. It is whoever wrote the stupid fucking article called 7 Tips to Reduce Your Restaurant Bill. Most of the suggestions fall in the same category as “the earth is round,” “the sky is blue” and “that old lady is gonna send her tea back because the water isn’t hot enough.” In other words, duh. I made a few amendments to the article that I think most servers can truly appreciate.
…because servers love waiting on people who have coupons. Groupon Groupies are always so pleasant and generous. I mean, if a person is using Groupon to save money then that totally must mean they are going to use those extra dollars they saved to tip better, right?
Also take advantage of restaurant promotions. For instance, Applebees consistently offers a two-for-$20 deal, which includes two meals (you select from a list of entrees) and an appetizer. Olive Garden is popular for its limited-time offers, such as unlimited soup, salad and breadsticks.
Why are you even at Applebee’s or Olive Garden? If you are eating at one of those places, you have much bigger issues to deal with then how to save a few bucks.
2. Buy cheap gift certificates.
Visit Restaurant.com, where you can browse local restaurants and buy discounted gift certificates such as $25 certificates for $10, or $50 certificates for $20.
Just remember to tip on the original amount that the food cost. Just because you are using a coupon doesn’t mean that your server should make less money. If every person who sat in his station that night had a 50% off coupon, and they all tipped on the discounted amount, the server would be making half of what he normally would. Does that sound fair to you?
3. Skip the booze.
If you order wine by the glass, you could be looking at a 400% markup. And as delicious as they are, fancy, fruity drinks are also overpriced. Even at a budget-friendly chain restaurant, you could end up paying as much as $7 for a strawberry daiquiri.
I want to know where a strawberry daiquiri only costs $7. Unless it’s at Applebee’s or Olive Garden you can expect to see me there as soon as I am finished typing this.
The cheapest (and healthiest) route, of course, is to order water.
Just make sure you ask for lots of lemons and some Splenda so that you can make your own lemonade. Servers love doing this for you. If you don’t want lemonade, ask for cucumber slices or some fresh mint to brighten up your water. Just because you don’t want to spend $3 on a Coke doesn’t mean your taste buds have to suffer . Trust me, waiters don’t mind one bit. And once they bring your bowl of lemons, that is a good time to ask for more bread.
4. Order an entree that includes extras.
If you’re going to spend more than $10 on a dinner entree, it should include a soup, salad or dessert. If you can’t eat everything, take the rest of your meal home or purposely save some leftovers.
Again, where the fuck is this chick eating where she thinks a $10 dinner entree should automatically come with something? In New York City, the only thing that is going to come with a $10 entree is a half empty plate. And if you take the leftovers with you, please make sure it’s not two or three fucking french fries. At least make it worth the to-go box it’s going to be in. Really, is one more bite of steak worth the million years it will take that Styrofoam container to decompose? Oh it is? Then by all means, do it. And have your green beans in a separate container as well, you cheap un-caring fuck.
5. Order an appetizer as your meal.
Appetizers like quesadillas or chicken wings can easily be a sufficient meal, especially because they are usually served in portions big enough to share.
If you can save three dollars, forgo that need for vegetable servings. Who needs ’em? You just eat that big plate of chicken wings or quesadillas and get yourself some more free bread and in no time at all you will have saved enough money to go get that liposuction you have been dreaming about.
6. Check your bill.
If you think you paid too much for a mediocre meal, don’t be afraid to politely mention it to your server. We’ve all ordered a chicken dish that included more pasta than chicken. Rather than being annoyed about paying top dollar for a bowl of pasta, say something. Maybe you’ll score a discount or gift card — or even a free meal.
No place is going to serve equal parts pasta to equal parts chicken. We don’t even do that at home, do we? So she suggests that after you eat it, you just mention that you didn’t like it so maybe you can get it comped? Hell, no. If you do that, your server is going to think you’re a total asshole. Nothing is more annoying than a person licking their plate clean and then letting us know that they didn’t like their food. If it happens in my station, the only thing they’re going to get is an extra side of “too fucking bad.”
7. Earn cash back through surveys.
I don’t even know what the fuck she is talking about. I f you can’t afford to eat out, just eat at home.
I think you will agree with me that my suggestions make this article much much better. If you do agree, you should go over to the article and post a comment about it. Tell them The Bitchy Waiter sent you. That way they can see that the author really needed to do a little more research before posting the story. And that research could have started with a quick Google search for me, The Bitchy Waiter. If you think that those tips that were offered were a big steaming pile of “no shit,” I hope you will share this blog post.