You know I love it when I can put a customer in his place. Like when they are arguing that the menu says one thing when I know good and well that it says something else. Nothing is more fun than letting some douche hat paint himself into a corner and then smacking him upside the head with a cold dose of reality when I tell him what he is saying is wrong. How fun is it when someone complains that their sandwich has onions on it and “it should say that on the menu” and then we get to point to the menu that says “served with onions.” The customer always makes that face that always make laugh. Do this and you will know what I mean. (No, seriously, do it.) Scowl your eyebrows, flare your nostrils, purse your lips and inhale through your nose all at the same time. Did you do it? It’s the look that says, “Oh my God, I am so embarrassed and I need to shut the fuck up.” Someone sent me a little story recently (holla, Chris C.) and it made me happy. Read this:
(At a Red Lobster In Macon, Georgia) A few months ago at work I had a grown man ask me for “plastic culinary” and when I stared at him with a puzzled look on my face he laughed (a deep pretentious laugh), looked around at the ladies sitting at the table, smiled like an asshole and said, “You know, a plastic knife, spoon, and fork? Culinary. I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have expected you to know that.” I just smiled and said, “I believe the word you’re trying to embarrass me with is ‘cutlery’ – ‘culinary’ is used in relation to cooking or a kitchen and not the utensils.”
Oh, how I wish I could have been there when that man did “the look” because you know he did it in an extra hard way. He was all trying to be impressive with his use of an SAT word that had four syllables in it and ended up looking like a Taco Supreme Ass Hole. Like he thinks that the waiter couldn’t possibly know what “culinary” or “cutlery” is. And why the hell did he want plastic fucking utensils anyway? He’s at Red fucking Lobster. Isn’t the all-you-can-eat shrimp plastic enough? Is he one of those assholes who always ask for a cup of hot water so he can wash his silverware in it before it enters his precious germ-free pie hole? I can just see the guy now, in his JC Penney tie on his lunch break from his cubicle where he answers the phone for Georgia Power and Electric. Or maybe he was the boss and he took his secretary and assistant out to lunch for Appreciation Day at the Red Lobster because the TGIFriday’s was too crowded. I hope he eventually got his plastic cutlery and as he tried to break into that lobster tail with his plastic knife, I hope it snapped in two and sent melted butter all over his pleated Dockers leaving a stain right at the crotch so it looked like he went to the bathroom and did a little dribble.
People like that piss me off. I’d like to tell him where he can put that plastic utensil. Hey buddy, spork off.