Spork Off, Buddy

You know I love it when I can put a customer in his place. Like when they are arguing that the menu says one thing when I know good and well that it says something else. Nothing is more fun than letting some douche hat paint himself into a corner and then smacking him upside the head with a cold dose of reality when I tell him what he is saying is wrong. How fun is it when someone complains that their sandwich has onions on it and “it should say that on the menu” and then we get to point to the menu that says “served with onions.” The customer always makes that face that always make laugh. Do this and you will know what I mean. (No, seriously, do it.) Scowl your eyebrows, flare your nostrils, purse your lips and inhale through your nose all at the same time. Did you do it? It’s the look that says, “Oh my God, I am so embarrassed and I need to shut the fuck up.” Someone sent me a little story recently (holla, Chris C.) and it made me happy. Read this:

(At a Red Lobster In Macon, Georgia) A few months ago at work I had a grown man ask me for “plastic culinary” and when I stared at him with a puzzled look on my face he laughed (a deep pretentious laugh), looked around at the ladies sitting at the table, smiled like an asshole and said, “You know, a plastic knife, spoon, and fork? Culinary. I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have expected you to know that.” I just smiled and said, “I believe the word you’re trying to embarrass me with is ‘cutlery’ – ‘culinary’ is used in relation to cooking or a kitchen and not the utensils.”

Oh, how I wish I could have been there when that man did “the look” because you know he did it in an extra hard way. He was all trying to be impressive with his use of an SAT word that had four syllables in it and ended up looking like a Taco Supreme Ass Hole. Like he thinks that the waiter couldn’t possibly know what “culinary” or “cutlery” is. And why the hell did he want plastic fucking utensils anyway? He’s at Red fucking Lobster. Isn’t the all-you-can-eat shrimp plastic enough? Is he one of those assholes who always ask for a cup of hot water so he can wash his silverware in it before it enters his precious germ-free pie hole? I can just see the guy now, in his JC Penney tie on his lunch break from his cubicle where he answers the phone for Georgia Power and Electric. Or maybe he was the boss and he took his secretary and assistant out to lunch for Appreciation Day at the Red Lobster because the TGIFriday’s was too crowded. I hope he eventually got his plastic cutlery and as he tried to break into that lobster tail with his plastic knife, I hope it snapped in two and sent melted butter all over his pleated Dockers leaving a stain right at the crotch so it looked like he went to the bathroom and did a little dribble.

People like that piss me off. I’d like to tell him where he can put that plastic utensil. Hey buddy, spork off.

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15 thoughts on “Spork Off, Buddy

  1. Rogue Wino

    Who the frig asks for plastic utensils when dining at a restaurant? I think I would have taken off my apron right then and there- people like that have also probably never heard of tipping

  2. Anonymous

    I'm going to be honest….its one race of people that do it. I work at red lobster and it can get quite ghetto! 9 times out of ten you can bet they will ask for a "cup of hawt wawta" or plastic ware to go with their "seizure" salad. Yes seizure salad. Just being honest.

  3. vailcowboy

    I believe you take this shit too seriously. Restaurant guests are going to continue behavior which will confound anyone not expecting it. I am pleasantly surprised when cultured guests enjoy a meal without absurdities.

  4. Anonymous

    I work at an equally ghetto establishment (Joes Crab Shack) and I'd have to agree with the previous post about one general race always asking for plastic utensils or a cup of hot water to soak their utensils. People truly are idiotic and will never understand how ridiculous they make themselves look. Those are also the same type of tables that will for sure stiff you 100% of the time.

  5. IH8RL

    Glad I got some back up on that comment! I thought for sure people would hate on me for that. But the truth is the truth…Bitchy I love your blog and the fellow servers who comment..you guys make me feel not so alone! Haha

  6. Christina W.

    I used to waitress at Perkins Family Restaurant, and we had a regular customer who was OCD. He'd order a hamburger and fries every time, and you had to bring it out in pieces so he could put it together himself. He'd also ask for plastic utensils (for his fries!) and a to go cup every time.

  7. cousinit

    First off let me say I love your freaking blog!!! Love love love… second YAY!! A restaurant in Macon Georgia made it to a post (even if it's negative, we need all the acknowledgement of existing we can get)….sucks dude had to be an azz…and lastly, I wish we had a TGIFridays in Macon…need more variety to get drunk after a total suckazz workday stuck in a cubicle listening to crappy elevator music…

  8. allergictostupid

    I always laugh a little when you get those guests that want a cup of hot water for their silverware and their drinks in to-go cups…but they eat off the real plates. That are washed in the same dishwasher as the silverware and glasses. These are the same people that want a to-go box for their syrup-soaked half of a pancake, and a refill drink to-go. But it's really no longer surprising after so many years.

  9. TheMeanager

    Lol this reminded of something that happened along time ago when I first started in this industry,this lovely couple sits in my station and obviously on a date…..Me: Are we ready to order?Lady: are your shrimp divine?Me: (puzzled look) Lady: divine….divine…DI-VI-NEMe:sure I guess,I haven't had them but I haven't gotten a complaint on them eitherLady :Dont you know what divine means?( rolls her eyes and gives her date a smirk,like I'm the asshole)Me: I look at her date (i give him the WTF please help me out look)Her Date:She means deveined Me: oooohhhhhh,yes they areLady: (rolls her eyes and give the menu a smirk)After that she didn't look up once everytime I checked up on them

  10. espinaca.

    People who pretend they know what wine they're ordering are my favorite! Ask me for a "Pinot" and wonder why I ask red or white? That's almost as bad as saying "oh, I'll just have a beer".. Rar! Or when they order a zinfandel and wonder why it's not fizzy and pink.. and of course blame my lack of knowledge.

  11. LadyJ3000

    My mom told me how a customer once ordered a filet mignon. Or as the customer pronounced it a fil let mig nan. This came about five minutes after the customer lectured her about not pronouncing sauvignon blanc correctly.

  12. Anonymous

    I used to wait at an RL…. Table of 3 black somewhat ghetto but nice and goofy kids… The one orders.. "I'll have the uwmm, shrimp luigi Alfredo" …I lost it. Thankfully the other 2 did too and unfortunately I kept my job.

  13. Joey B

    Hey I live in LA ( no weirdos here at all -hehehe) & used to work at popular cafe .J-Z axed ( in English -asked for hot water to wash his shit in it b4 he was even popular) I wanted to say – ” why don’t u go to Crenshaw District to Poppas Ribshack & do DAT shit ???? U no fuckin Michael Jackson with 20000 infections …..trust this cuz all my buddies are Brothers or from back East & I kno this buzz..)Fuckin Carp Lipped his meal wiF his now clean utensils b4 he got famous ….Sporked it .Hey bjatch -u need a knife ??Just take one out of my back …


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