Know-It-All Monsters (Guest Blogger!)

While I am on vacation in Texas to see my family (an obli-cation is what I like to call it) I have set up some really wonderful guest bloggers. I hope you will share them, comment on them and love them. In the meantime, I will be in Texas drinking gravy and sweating. This one comes from Kaylee who blogs over at Love and Heartness. Go visit her and give hers some love and heartness, y’all.


People who eat out can be incredible rude and stupid. Even worse is when they believe they know it all. I call them, Know It All Monsters, or KIAMs. You know them too; they think they are God’s gift to Earth and have all the correct answers about EVERYTHING. In the past week, I dealt with two particularly dumb KIAMs.
One of them sat up at the bar, wanting to order a beer. I listed off all our beers in house and she didn’t like any of them.
KIAM: Hmmm, those don’t sound good. Are you sure you don’t have Sierra Nevada?
Me: No.
KIAM: Or maybe Stella?
Me: No. I have the ones I listed to you and that’s all.
KIAM: Are you sure? Because sometimes people forget what kind of beer they have.
Me: Well, seeing as we have a limited amount of beer, I remember our brands pretty well. 
KIAM: Yes, but it’s happened before where you didn’t tell me everything.
Me: I assure you, I would never lie to you.
KIAM: Could you please just check again? You’re sure that’s all you have?
Look lady, I’m sorry if other restaurants lie to you, but my main job in that place is to SELL YOU SHIT. If I don’t tell you everything I have, I MIGHT NOT SELL YOU SOMETHING. And then not only do I lose money, but the restaurant does too.
I’m also sorry you think you know more about MY BAR than I do. Because, obviously, you were there to open it that day. And, obviously, you are there counting the beer and putting away the wine and making sure liquor is stocked. Oh, and surely you are trained in the ways of our particular restaurant.
That sound you just heard was me snorting at her.
My next KIAM was on Wednesday. A couple walks in and sits at a booth. He tells me it’s his birthday, and his wife wanted to try something “new”. That’s they way he said it too, like the word was in quotations.
So I’m telling all the great things to eat and how excited I am to have him there and how much I love when people tell me this is their favorite restaurant. You know, bullshitting.
They place their order and he asks if he could maybe get a side of a new recipe item, because he just wants to try them. Sure, no problem. 
After they get their food, I go over to make sure everything is tasting as delicious as they had hoped. They were praising the food up and down, it was SO GOOD. I then asked what he thought of the side item.
KIAM: Well, I miss the old way they made them.
Me: I can understand that. This was has a few better ingredients, including this one cheese.
KIAM: Hmm, I don’t taste any of that cheese.
Me: Well, that’s how we make it now.

< div style="font:16px 'Times New Roman';margin:0;">KIAM: No, there is definitely none of that cheese in there.

Me: Uhm, yes there is. The chefs prepare it that way in the morning now, because it’s a new recipe.
KIAM: They didn’t make it correct today then. There is no cheese in there.
Man, I obviously forgot that I saw him in the kitchen with the chefs helping them prep food this morning. I also (obviously) forgot that he helped write this recipe, so he should know EVERYTHING about it. Oh, AND I must have forgotten that he tasted the two side by side before we changed it, just to make sure you could taste the cheese.
The best way to deal with a KIAM is to drop the subject and move on. But in my case, all I have to do is “forget” their other beer, or “accidentally” change the channel they were watching, and eventually we’ll get even.
Somehow, we always do.

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