Over the past year, some guy named Bruce has been dispensing rules of wisdom over at the New York Times. Of course I blogged about it here and here. And then he wrote about some of those rules and how he has reconsidered them seeing that they were so fucking stupid. Well now he has a list of suggestions that came from people who think they know how things should run in a restaurant. And boy oh boy, do I have something to say about their ideas. Shall we begin?
- I think it’s permissible to stick a fork in the eye of a server who calls me “honey” or “sweetie” because I’m of a certain age.— Rosemary Molloy Well, guess what, Rosemary. I think I have the right to stick a fork up a puss when someone of a certain age calls me “Hey You” or “Come Here” because it’s a two-way street, sweetie.
- Never, ever serve food over a baby/child. If you scald a newborn, there’s a chance the father will take your life. — Peter And what am I supposed to do when parents park their goddamn stroller right in front of the table and they don’t have enough common sense or manners to move the bundle of joy out of my fucking way so I don’t have to do that? Just happened to me two weeks ago.
- Why is it that a pepper mill must be brought and administered? For a few hundred bucks, why can a restaurant not just set one out at each table? — Ellen Is this lady serious? I have seen women cram 20 packets of Splenda in their purse just because it was there. How many goddamn pepper mills would we go through if we just left them on the table? Sorry, Ellen, that is one stupid idea. Game over, try again, dumb bitch.
- If you happen to see guests saying grace before the meal, pause for them to finish. — jiminboulder In all my years of working in restaurants, I have never seen a waiter interrupt someone saying grace. I can’t imagine that ever happening. I think this person just wanted to get their name on the list so they came up with this non-existent issue. If it’s a real problem, maybe they should pray about it.
- WAIT STAFF PLEASE DON’T EVER EXTEND A HAND FOR A HANDSHAKE!! This falls under the category of never touch a customer but this issue needs to be specifically addressed. It suggests a level of familiarity that is inappropriate and I have zero interest in touching the hand that is exposed to all of the dirt, germs and yuckiness of dirty plates, food etc. — michael What makes this asshat think I want to shake his fucking hand anyway? And I can guarantee that I wash my hands way more often than he does. I have zero interest in touching his hands either that may have just touched something really nasty like his face, his wife or his baby. Totally disgusting.
- Do not bite your fingernails. Do not scratch your crotch. Do not run fingers through your hair. — Major Slack Duh. No shit, Sherlock. But would it be alright if I pick my nose and wipe the booger underneath your table? Please advise because apparently you think we are total fucktards.
- Don’t take the final sales slip or payment before the guests leave. I find it outraging when a server takes the completed bill (showing my tip) before I’ve left. — Keith T. We do that because sometimes customers are too stupid to leave our copy and if they take our copy, then we won’t get a tip. And in some cases, customers intentionally take both copies so they can dispute the charge knowing that we have no signed copy to show that they authorized the charge. So, yeah, that’s why we do that.
- I personally prefer it when a waiter writes down orders, because it makes me feel secure in getting the order I wanted, but I was wondering … — Goran I personally prefer it when the customer just goes right up to the computer and orders the food themselves. Unfortunately, things don’t always work out for us, do they? And sorry, but I don’t need to write down “hamburger well done and a Coke,” but I was wondering…
- My biggest pet peeve of eating out — when the waiter asks you how everything is while your mouth is full. How can you possibly answer?! I can’t help but think they do it on purpose. — ECA If that’s your biggest pet peeve while dining out, you have it pretty good. And I do do it on purpose sometimes because it’s fun.
- Do not play recorded music in a restaurant. I would like to talk to my dinner companion(s), not listen to music. When did it become a rule to play music in restaurants? And why? — Alex Greer Okay, Alex, just for you, no more recorded music. From now on, we will provide a live 50-piece orchestra. And for your information, it became a rule on October 21st, 1978 to play music in restaurants so that the people who work there didn’t have to listen to your incessant talking to your dining companion.
- I had a waiter who pointed at a customer with his pencil. ‘And what will you have?’ I took his apron and pencil and threw him out. — frank visakay Frank, take a chill pill. So a waiter pointed at you with a pencil and you threw something at him? And how did your waiter’s saliva taste when it came back at you in your iced tea?
- And please don’t say, “Are we ready to order?” I didn’t invite you to eat with us. Also, please don’t squat down to take our order. If you wanted to be a baseball catcher, you are in the wrong business. — Trudy R. Trudy, shut the fuck up. You’re going to get your grandma panties in a twist over semantics? And the baseball catcher reference is hilarious. You should totally be a comedy writer or do stand up. That’s fucking golden. Ladies and gentleman, I give to you the next Roseanne Barr, Trudy R!
Of course all of these suggestions probably come from people who have never tied on a apron and served some food. They all sou
nd like persnickety bitches who always think their hot tea is cold and the bread is stale. They ask for extra butter and then don’t use it and they always say they’re in a hurry but never are. So to them, I say fuck you. And I can’t wait for you to be in my station someday so I can pick my nose, interrupt your prayer, stuff a pepper grinder in your purse for you and then turn the music up so you can’t hear your dining companions. It’s what I do, for I am The Bitchy Waiter.