Take Your Suggestion and Shove it Up Your Box

One of my favorites from last year:

Over the past year, some guy named Bruce has been dispensing rules of wisdom over at the New York Times. Of course I blogged about it here and here. And then he wrote about some of those rules and how he has reconsidered them seeing that they were so fucking stupid. Well now he has a list of suggestions that came from people who think they know how things should run in a restaurant. And boy oh boy, do I have something to say about their ideas. Shall we begin?

  • I think it’s permissible to stick a fork in the eye of a server who calls me “honey” or “sweetie” because I’m of a certain age.Rosemary Molloy Well, guess what, Rosemary. I think I have the right to stick a fork up a puss when someone of a certain age calls me “Hey You” or “Come Here” because it’s a two-way street, sweetie.
  • Never, ever serve food over a baby/child. If you scald a newborn, there’s a chance the father will take your life. — Peter And what am I supposed to do when parents park their goddamn stroller right in front of the table and they don’t have enough common sense or manners to move the bundle of joy out of my fucking way so I don’t have to do that? Just happened to me two weeks ago.
  • Why is it that a pepper mill must be brought and administered? For a few hundred bucks, why can a restaurant not just set one out at each table? Ellen Is this lady serious? I have seen women cram 20 packets of Splenda in their purse just because it was there. How many goddamn pepper mills would we go through if we just left them on the table? Sorry, Ellen, that is one stupid idea. Game over, try again, dumb bitch.
  • If you happen to see guests saying grace before the meal, pause for them to finish. jiminboulder In all my years of working in restaurants, I have never seen a waiter interrupt someone saying grace. I can’t imagine that ever happening. I think this person just wanted to get their name on the list so they came up with this non-existent issue. If it’s a real problem, maybe they should pray about it.
  • WAIT STAFF PLEASE DON’T EVER EXTEND A HAND FOR A HANDSHAKE!! This falls under the category of never touch a customer but this issue needs to be specifically addressed. It suggests a level of familiarity that is inappropriate and I have zero interest in touching the hand that is exposed to all of the dirt, germs and yuckiness of dirty plates, food etc. michael What makes this asshat think I want to shake his fucking hand anyway? And I can guarantee that I wash my hands way more often than he does. I have zero interest in touching his hands either that may have just touched something really nasty like his face, his wife or his baby. Totally disgusting.
  • Do not bite your fingernails. 
Do not scratch your crotch. 
Do not run fingers through your hair. Major Slack Duh. No shit, Sherlock. But would it be alright if I pick my nose and wipe the booger underneath your table? Please advise because apparently you think we are total fucktards.
  • Don’t take the final sales slip or payment before the guests leave. I find it outraging when a server takes the completed bill (showing my tip) before I’ve left. Keith T. We do that because sometimes customers are too stupid to leave our copy and if they take our copy, then we won’t get a tip. And in some cases, customers intentionally take both copies so they can dispute the charge knowing that we have no signed copy to show that they authorized the charge. So, yeah, that’s why we do that.
  • I personally prefer it when a waiter writes down orders, because it makes me feel secure in getting the order I wanted, but I was wondering … Goran I personally prefer it when the customer just goes right up to the computer and orders the food themselves. Unfortunately, things don’t always work out for us, do they? And sorry, but I don’t need to write down “hamburger well done and a Coke,” but I was wondering…
  • My biggest pet peeve of eating out — when the waiter asks you how everything is while your mouth is full. How can you possibly answer?! I can’t help but think they do it on purpose. ECA If that’s your biggest pet peeve while dining out, you have it pretty good. And I do do it on purpose sometimes because it’s fun.
  • Do not play recorded music in a restaurant. I would like to talk to my dinner companion(s), not listen to music. When did it become a rule to play music in restaurants? And why? Alex Greer Okay, Alex, just for you, no more recorded music. From now on, we will provide a live 50-piece orchestra. And for your information, it became a rule on October 21st, 1978 to play music in restaurants so that the people who work there didn’t have to listen to your incessant talking to your dining companion.
  • I had a waiter who pointed at a customer with his pencil. 
‘And what will you have?’ 
I took his apron and pencil and threw him out. frank visakay Frank, take a chill pill. So a waiter pointed at you with a pencil and you threw something at him? And how did your waiter’s saliva taste when it came back at you in your iced tea?
  • And please don’t say, “Are we ready to order?” I didn’t invite you to eat with us. Also, please don’t squat down to take our order. If you wanted to be a baseball catcher, you are in the wrong business. — Trudy R. Trudy, shut the fuck up. You’re going to get your grandma panties in a twist over semantics? And the baseball catcher reference is hilarious. You should totally be a comedy writer or do stand up. That’s fucking golden. Ladies and gentleman, I give to you the next Roseanne Barr, Trudy R!

Of course all of these suggestions probably come from people who have never tied on a apron and served some food. They all sou
nd like persnickety bitches who always think their hot tea is cold and the bread is stale. They ask for extra butter and then don’t use it and they always say they’re in a hurry but never are. So to them, I say fuck you. And I can’t wait for you to be in my station someday so I can pick my nose, interrupt your prayer, stuff a pepper grinder in your purse for you and then turn the music up so you can’t hear your dining companions. It’s what I do, for I am The Bitchy Waiter.

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16 Responses to Take Your Suggestion and Shove it Up Your Box

  1. Estrellita says:

    If servers are such a burden, these people should stay home and cook. Most of the greeting and squatting is part of a ridiculous training manual and is REQUIRED by the restaurant that uses the manual. It may be asinine, but it's not worth throwing a fit. I swear, some people just look for reasons to bitch.

  2. MegConetta says:

    I had no idea guests didn't like it when I scratch my crotch while taking their order….I'll have to stop doing that.And LOL at the booger under the table

  3. Wrial Huden says:

    I only shake hands with a guest if he/she extends hand first, which is rare. If the guy who made this suggestion is so repulsed by the supposedly dirty hands of a server, what about when the server is serving him food and drink? The server's hand has to come in contact with dinnerware and glassware at some point. No, this guy is just making excuses to hide the fact that shaking hands with restaurant employees is beneath him!And no, we don't have any Grey Poupon!

  4. jaimez1313 says:

    I read the rest of the stupid suggestions on that list and obviously none of those idiots have ever served in their lives. Did you see this one: "When serving, always face the guest, never present your back when placing down a plate or glass. — JakeI guess I'll have to start placing food down while actually facing customers now.

  5. Anonymous says:

    HaHa…..I've spontaneously HUGGED some of my customers….and I'm NOT the touchy-feely type. The non-handshaker must have a tough time in the business world. I had an 'uptight' customer who used to come in with 2 other guys. He was always so FORMAL in our little locals only joint. One day the three of them sat down and Mr Uptight was ready to work through lunch. He had his pad of plain paper in front of him and proceeded to 'graph' something. He drew a horizontal line for about 4-6 inches and then abruptly made a vertical line for about 8 inches, then made a curve for an inch or so, then went straight back down to the base and proceeded horizontally to the end of the page. Looked pretty phallic to me and I just couldn't help myself; I grinned and said, "Whatcha drawin' Dallas?". Of course the two other guys now had to lean over to look and they busted out laughing. One of them claimed to be the 'model'. Mr Uptight sat there with a beet red face. From that day forward he never brought work to lunch and he lost his uptight attitude. I really missed him when he retired.

  6. Mary A. says:

    I have never ever been to a restaurant where the waiter tried to shake my hand. And no one has ever interrupted my prayer. (And yes, I pray in restaurnats). How long is your fucking prayer anyway?? (see why I need to pray?)If I ever see you IRL, BW, you better have someone else wait on me. becasue Imma smooch you UP!

  7. Mrs. Katie says:

    I officially hate all of those people.

  8. My favorite is when a table of 12 comes in and one person orders a round of waters for everyone that no one drinks. I don't get it. It's a real crotch scratcher…The RB

  9. Sophie says:

    This. Is. Awesome. (and I'm not one for the purposefully paused remarks but this post necessitated it. Getting funnier every day.)Cheers

  10. Myr says:

    The people who left these suggestions sound like the D bags we servers fight over NOT waiting on. The ones who like to smell their own farts, and think they are so smart and/or superior. I don't know about you, but I totally go out of my way to annoy my customers. WTF! TY, BW for calling them out on their bullshit. Also, if we point at you to get your order, its probably because you are not paying attention and acting like your dining partner/cell phone conversation is sooooo much more important than us DOING OUR JOB. Would you go to a doctor and totally IGNORE him/her because you have such an important life you can't tell the person on the phone to HOLD ON a second, or hang the f up? We are trying to do our jobs here, motherf*ckers.It really comes down to people treating other people with respect. You respect me as a server I will respect you as a guest. If you act like a douchetard, that's the service you get. Your tip is not as important as my self-respect.And an especially big thanks to Major Slack, who moonlights as super hero Captain Obvious.

  11. ChristyL says:

    I actually started a tumblr to address all of these "rules" when I read about them the last time you posted, I even addressed some of the customers suggestions as well! http://www.tumblr.com/blog/dbagpartyof3

  12. Anonymous says:

    I understand what you said about serving over small children when the parents use the strollers as blockades, but I was at a restaurant where they supply these things you can put the child car seat in — it makes it low and out of the way and it can be pushed up to the table like a seat with a booster or a highchair. We were with another couple so we had two of these at our table. In this case the waiter used these spots, rather than going to the head of the table, simply because the chairs were lower than the other diners. It was dangerous because the food was hot. I wasn't trying to get the waiter in trouble, but I did mention it to the manager when I left so he could let the waitstaff know. I didn't indicate which waiter was ours.

  13. Matt says:

    OK, I agree with most of everything else you had to say except for your retort to the person who suggested writing down orders. I waited tables myself, and I always made sure that I wrote everything down, because you just never know when you're going to get slammed, and it could be one of those odd days where everyone wants to make big ass special orders. Not likely, mind you, but it is possible and I have seen it happen. And nine times out of ten, it's the 21st arrogant douchers that you'd expect to see on Jersey Shore instead of waiting on you that won't write the orders down, thinking they're so awesome that they can remember everything in their head. I'm not saying you're like that at all, just sharing from my own personal experience. I do enjoy most of everything else you post here, though. :) I guess we can't agree on everything. :P Oh, and I did work with a waiter that thought he could remember what a table ordered without writing it down, and without fail, every time I'd wind up behind him in line at the computer, he'd go "Man, I should've written that down! I gotta go ask them what it is they ordered!"

  14. Anonymous says:

    Now you should make a complete list of "suggestions" customers should abide by ie..talking on the phone while were trying to take their order or trying to flag us down by waving even though we are in the middle ofanother tables order…hate that one

  15. Anonymous says:

    Now you should make a complete list of "suggestions" customers should abide by ie..talking on the phone while were trying to take their order or trying to flag us down by waving even though we are in the middle ofanother tables order…hate that one

  16. Teresa says:

    Well, the asshat’s restaurant is already closed down. He made it a whole year, with the Tripadvisor reviews broken down as such:
    Excellent = 3
    Good = 5
    Average = 1
    Poor = 1
    Terrible = 3

    So way to go, Brucebag! You really know your stuff!

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