Well, I was going to write about one of the performers who sang at the club recently and what a total bitch she was. I mean, can you say Pepé le Pew? Sacre bleu! First, she kicked the other performer out of the one dressing room even though the other performer was singing two and a half hours sooner than Diva Bitch. Her excuse? “But I must put on my face.” Bitch, somebody already put your face on you and it was a doctor at Park and 73rd. And he put it on too tight. I was going to write about how she made us rearrange the whole entire showroom and remove seven tables and fourteen chairs, carrying them downstairs just so she had room “to move around.” I was going to tell you how she was doing her sound check and got upset that the curtains to the showroom were open allowing the people in the lobby to see her before she was ready and how she yelled at me to close the curtain and I yelled back at her that I can’t move tables out of the room if the curtain is closed so if she wants the tables gone then the curtains will have to remain open and how she didn’t understand so I told her two more times and she finally shrugged her shoulders as if to say, “Je ne sais pas. Je suis une fucking bitch hat.” But I don’t have to write about that now because I woke up knowing that today was a very special day. Happy birthday, Ann B. Davis who turns 86 years young today!
How do I love Ann B. Davis? Let me count the ways. She played the best housekeeper in the history of television. I mean it. Her uniform was about the same as Hazel’s but Hazel was a busy body who was always getting up in Mr. Baxter’s business. Alice never did that. Rosie the Robot was a pretty good maid, but she often needed repairing and replacement parts that George Jetson was responsible for. The only time Alice ever needed anything cleaned out, her boyfriend Sam the butcher took care of that. Florence Johnston was a horrible housekeeper and all she ever did was give Mr. and Mrs. Jefferson sass and attitude up on the East Side. Would Alice ever give lip to Mike or Carol? No, she would not. She would only give lip to Sam and he in turn would give her a piece of tube steak. Mrs. Garrett was the maid for the Drummond family but she had no loyalty and as soon as she was offered a job at the Eastland School for Girls she left Arnold, Willis and Kimberly at the drop of a hat leaving them with Adelaide who was then followed by Pearl. Alice would never leave the Brady house. (Well, she did one time but it was brief and a total mistake.) Alice had class, smarts, humor, patience and she made the best damn meatloaf on Clinton Way. The only meatloaf she liked better than her own was Sam’s. She even wrote a cookbook, and yes, I have it. The one recipe I use most often is on page 38 and I want to share it with you. It is a real recipe, but it’s much better if you add Stoli Blueberry Vodka to it. My drink of choice.
1/2 cup of sugar
1/2 cup hot water
1/2 cup freshly squeezed lemon juice
7 1/2 cups water
Dissolve the sugar in the hot water and allow to cool. Pour the lemon juice, water and sugar mix into a pitcher and stir. Add ice for the best drink on a hot summer day. Makes 8 servings.
Happy birthday, Ann B. Davis.You’re 86! And I love you.