I don’t what is going on at The Olive Garden these days, but it seems like every few weeks they are getting a kid drunk. Just last year, they got a baby trashed on Sangria. Last week, a waitress mistakenly served a cocktail to a ten year old who had ordered a non-alcoholic drink called a Wildberry Frullato Smoothie. I don’t know what’s worse-serving a ten year-old a cocktail or having something on your menu called a Wildberry Frullato Smoothie. The waitress realized her mistake and told her manager who then told the parents who then freaked the fuck out and took the boy to the hospital and filed a police report, presumably so they are all set up when they call 1-800- I-CAN-SUE. According to a witness, the boy’s “eyes were changing. He was feeling sick to his stomach and didn’t want to eat no more.” According to another witness, “That previous witness has poor grammar because she should have said he ‘didn’t want to eat any more.'” The kid drank about two ounces of the four ounce drink. A police officer at the hospital described the boy as “alert” but “shaken up,” which is exactly how I order my martini. Tests revealed that the boy had less than 1% alcohol in his system. Please. I have more than that in my system right now and I haven’t had a drink since last night. In fact, when I dip below 1%, my eyes start to change and I don’t want to eat no more.
The waitress was fired for the mistake and The Olive Garden released this totally banal statement: “We find this situation completely unacceptable. We are thankful that the child is okay and we will continue to work with the family to resolve this issue.” In other words, “We know they are going to sue our asses so we offered them a never-ending salad and unlimited bread sticks for the the rest of the year in the hopes that they will be satisfied with that instead of a billion fucking dollars.”
This story brings up a few questions that need answering.
To The Olive Garden: Don’t you have specific cups that kid beverages are served in so this doesn’t happen?
To the parents: Can’t you tell the difference between a big frozen smoothie and a four ounce cocktail?
To the waitress: If I sit in your station and tell you I am ten years old and order a Wildberry Frullatto Smoothie, will you please bring me a Grey Goose Cosmo instead but still charge me for the Wildberry Frullato Smoothie?
To the child: It tasted good, right?
So what can we take away from this so that we can be better servers? We must all be aware that kids do not drink alcohol, people. Don’t take a cocktail to anyone who looks under the age of 35 without first asking to see some i.d. If they look like they might still be in grade school, you should definitely ask to see i.d. If they ask for a Wildberry Frullato Smoothie, make sure you don’t pick up the Frozen Mudslide instead. And by all means, if you’re going to serve alcohol to a minor, do it when they are teething and need a little rum on the gum to calm their little souls. Anything else and you’re asking for a big fat lawsuit and and an unemployment claim.
The Olive Garden needs a new slogan: When you’re here, we might be trying to get your child trashed.