You know how I feel about babies. Do I really need to go into that again? As we all know, it’s not the baby’s fault if it is sitting in a SUV stroller that is blocking the aisle. It all comes down to parenting and too many times, parents suck ass. That, however, makes me hate the baby. In my decades of serving, I have had the wonderful opportunity on more than one occasion to be the server at some joyous event like a wedding or baby shower. You know what sucks about those? Everything; from the annoying women who go to them to the piles and piles of gift wrap they leave on the floor when they go home. A reader (shout out to Wendi) sent me a photo of a baby shower invitation that I presume she found at her job. Isn’t that invitation adorable? Those cute little feet? I wanna eat them up. No, seriously, I want to pour some Heinz 57 Sauce on them, throw them in a saute pan until tender, place on a bed of quinoa and eat them while sipping a nice Chianti and watching Wipeout. This happy mother-to-be thought it was a good idea to have her baby shower at a restaurant. I don’t know what restaurant, but I am going to assume it’s an Applebee’s. It just seems right. The best part of the invitation is the back:
Stacy wanted to make sure that everyone knew she was not picking up the check. That’s right, Stacy’s friends, you are on your own. First off, it’s not “Baby’s R Us ” it’s “Babies R Us.” If you’re gonna go through the trouble of printing out some fancy invitations on some lame ass program that came with your Dell, make sure you spell the name of the store correctly. Secondly, how rude! You are asking everyone to swing on by to their local Target or Babies R Us and pick up some loot for your devil spawn that is subletting your uterus, but when the check comes, you’re gonna make every pay for their own Cheeseburger Sliders and Spinach Artichoke Dip? What the hell? Isn’t that kind of the trade off of having a shower? You pay for it, but in return you get gifts? This cheap ass bitch is having her baby shower at an Applebee’s for cryin‘ out loud (I assume it’s an Applebee’s because it just seems like the kind of place Stacy would want to have her baby shower) and she’s not even picking up the check. She won’t have to do any cleaning because that will be the job of the server who is going resent this table all to hell. It’s who the fuck knows how many separate checks and you know they will complain when the gratuity gets added to them because they’ll be like, ‘Oh, but we’re not a party of six or more. We’re 15 parties of one who just happen to be sitting at the same table.”
I imagine Stacy sitting at the head of the table “eating for two” even though all of her friends know she’s been eating for two since before she got married. She’s making a big scene and wearing the hat someone made from a paper plate and all the bows from the presents. And then they all have to move the tables around when it comes time for them to each cut a ribbon in the length that they think will fit around Stacy’s belly because whoever is closest is going to get a cupcake that Stacy bought at the Costco. Stacy hoards all the gifts and when the checks come out she expects that someone is going to say, “Hey let’s all chip in for Stacy!” If I was a guest at that lame event, I’d be the one that says, “Hey, let’s let Stacy pay for at least one fucking thing here. I already bought a fucking cake made out Pampers and then I had to pay for my own Fiesta Chicken Chopped Salad, I’m done.”
What Stacy should have done (other than spell “babies” correctly) is just have the stupid baby shower at her home. Dwayne was going to be working a double at the Pick-N-Save that day anyway (that’s her baby-daddy and he’s assistant canned goods manager) and she could have had more room to spread out at home in the double-wide than she had at Applebee’s. She just needed to whip up a few handy dandy appetizers from a website, throw them onto her coffee table and then wait for gifts. It’s easy, Stacy. You could go here and make the delicious sounding Chicken, Peach and Bacon Bites and then open up a box of wine and call it a day. And then none of your friends are going to think you are any lamer than they already thought you were. (Seriously, those Chicken, Peach and Bacon Bites sound damn good.)
I hope Stacy’s baby shower was all she dreamed it would be. I hope she got everything she wanted and that she will remember that day forever. It’s not every day that a woman brings another life into this world. Oh wait. Actually, each day 358,192 children are born around the world so I guess it isn’t that big of a deal. The rare thing about this particular event was that Stacy was so cheap that she had her baby shower in a fucking Applebee’s and didn’t even pick up the tab for her friends.