I don’t really follow my horoscope so much. I am a Gemini which basically means I am two-faced bitch who likes to talk too much. Spot on. When it comes to Chinese astrology, I know even less. I do know that I was born in the year of the Goat which I presume makes me a stubborn old nag who eats tin cans for dinner and is always grumpy, so yeah, good call Chinese horoscope. A quick Google search also tells me that Goats “will only assume leadership roles when asked directly, they’ll never volunteer.” Right again. Good career options for us Goat Asses include “florist, interior designer, daycare teacher, pediatrician, actor, editor, hair stylist, illustrator, musician, and art history teacher.” All Goats are gay men. Additionally, Goats “feel most comfortable at home and alone and they prefer the couch because there they can relax and explore their minds.” The description of Goat Me is eerily correct leading me to believe I may be part Chinese which would explain my love for General Tso’s Chicken. But today marks the beginning of a new year. It’s not the eye of the tiger nor the hair of the dog, it’s the Year of the Dragon so get your fire-breathin’ asses ready for a phenomenal year. Since all I know about dragons is what I learned in 1977’s Pete’s Dragon, I did some research to see what the Year of the Dragon is all about other than Helen Reddy singing “Candle on the Water”.
- Dragons symbolize such character traits as dominance and ambition. Therefore I will dominate my tables with my keen sense of I-don’t-give-a-fuck.
- Dragons prefer to live by their own rules and if left on their own, are usually successful. Therefore, I will decide when and how you will get your burger cooked and the rule is you tip me 25% so I can become the most successful waiter of all Dragons.
- They’re driven, unafraid of challenges, and willing to take risks. This means I will take the risk of drinking Chardonnay in paper cups while at work and accept the challenge of carrying a tray while totally buzzed on cheap house wine.
- They’re passionate in all they do and they do things in grand fashion. I am not passionate about waiting tables. Fail, Chinese Horoscope people.
- Unfortunately, this passion and enthusiasm can leave Dragons feeling exhausted and interestingly, unfulfilled. Oh, wait I take that back. Right again, Chinese Horoscope people.
- Dragons could benefit from incorporating mild activity into their lives like yoga or walking. Um, I will substitute yoga for Vodka and walking with Tequila.
- Dragons prefer leading to being led. This is why I am always striving to be Superstar Employee of the Month and/or head waiter. Right, uh huh.
If I am unable to fulfill these goals for the Year of the Dragon, then I will instead vow to be Shelley Winters as Lena Gogan in Pete’s Dragon for Halloween.