Not a day go by it seems where there isn’t a waiter or waitress in the news for something. Either a waiter is having his finger broken by a customer or a waitress is winning $104,000 on The Price Is Right. Today I see in the news that in the sleepy town of Beaufort, South Carolina a waitress was sent to jail for hitting a customer up against the side of her head with a coffee pot. The story goes that it was the overnight shift at the Waffle House and after waiting for 25 minutes to be served, a customer got into an argument with the waitress resulting in the head banging with said coffee pot. The police were called at 3:20 AM and they found what was believed to be marijuana in the waitress’ apron pocket. Wait, you mean a waitress who works the overnight shift at the fucking Waffle House in Beaufort, South Carolina has to be on drugs in order to get through that hot mess? Color me surprised. No medical attention was needed which basically means the waitress didn’t hit the lady hard enough. She was arrested on charges of misdemeanor assault and battery and possession of marijuana and then released on her own recognizance. To top it all off, she probably had to go back to the fucking Waffle House and finish her sidework which consisted of filling the syrups, stocking the butters and mopping the floor.
This story makes me sad. As usual, I wasn’t there, but of course I side with the waitress. I imagine that the customer was some tired old hag who was siting in the smoking section and had been nursing her black coffee since she got off her cashier shift at the Piggly Wiggly down the street. (Okay, just so you know, I totally made up that there was a Piggly Wiggly down the street but a quick Google map search shows that there really is one! Ah, the south.)
The customer probably ordered the chocolate chip pancakes with toffee syrup and whipped cream and soon started screaming that she was starving and it was taking forever to get her food. The waitress looked at the computer and saw it had only been eight minutes and when she told the customer it hadn’t really been “forever,” the customer got all whiny and bitchy and called the waitress a name insulting her position as head waitress of the overnight shift at Waffle House. You know, because in the world of Beaufort, South Carolina a cashier at Piggly Wiggly is way above a waitress at Waffle House but still far below the position of stock manager at the Walmart Super Center which is also right down the street in the opposite direction of Piggly Wiggly. (Seriously, I Googled that too.) Our waitress, who may or may not have been buzzed on A&W Root Beer, sub-par bacon and marijuana, couldn’t take it anymore and popped that bitch in the head with one of those metal coffee pots and said, “Bitch your fucking pancakes will be ready when they’re ready, now shut the fuck up.” Again, I was not there, so don’t quote me. (And if you are reading this and you are either the waitress or the customer, how you doin?)
The whole story leaves us with a lot of questions:
- Why did the cops feel the need to search the waitress’ apron?
- Did they have a search warrant or were they just looking for a pen to take notes with?
- Did the waitress get to keep her job?
- Did the customer ever get her chocolate chip pancakes?
- Who did the paper work and covered the floor after they carted the waitress’ ass away? Surely there wasn’t more than one waitress on the floor at the Waffle House at 3:20 AM.
- Have you entered the Bitchy Waiter Shoe Giveaway yet?
- Did the waitress learn that if she’s gonna hit some bitch in the head with a coffee pot and go to jail for it, that she should at least do it hard enough to require medical attention?
- Have either of them tasted the Steak Quesadilla Towers at the Applebee’s across the street? (Seriously, there is an Applebee’s across the street. Beaufort sounds like a little piece of heaven.)
- Is marijuana really enough?
- Can the waitress please email me and tell me what it feels like to actually follow through on that “I wanna punch this bitch in the face” feeling?
Best wishes, Waffle House waitress. We servers are on your side.