I wasn’t going to blog about this but I simply could not resist. There is a picture floating around on the Internet of what was left for a waiter instead of a tip on Martin Luther King, Jr.’s birthday. The person justified that since his ancestors worked for free, then so could that waiter. But they also added “God Bless” just to make sure everyone knows they’re a Christian. Whenever someone chooses to not a leave a tip, they think they have a good reason. Deep down in their soul, they know it’s because they are cheap ass mother fuckin‘ bitches who want to hold on to that last nickel until the day they die but they will come up with something to justify their no-tip behavior. Here are some of the excuses people tell themselves to make them feel better about stiffing their waiter:
- My waiter didn’t say thank you enough.
- My french fries were cold.
- The restrooms were dirty.
- I didn’t like the table I was sitting at.
- The Denver Broncos lost.
- I asked for two lemon wedges and he brought me three.
- They were out of the dessert that I wanted even though I am not sure this is even the restaurant that ever had the Death By Chocolate Triple Fudge Fried Sundae.
- My rent is due this week.
- Nobody tips me for doing my job so why should I tip a waiter for doing his?
- I left him Fake Jesus Money and eternal salvation is way better than the 25% tip I would have left instead.
- I saw that asshole waiter on the Dr. Phil show. Fuck that noise.
- I didn’t have change for my hundred dollar bill.
- I am going to come back after I run to to the ATM.
- It took forever to get my food and I was in a hurry which is why I ordered a well-done steak and went with ten other people and we each asked for a separate check.
- I did leave a tip. It wasn’t there? Someone must have stolen it then because I left a twenty dollar bill on the table.
- I told the waiter how great he was, that ought to be enough.
- His uniform was dirty.
- I don’t believe in tipping money. Tipping is for cows.
- I am from Europe.
- I think that 40 years ago my ancestors were slaves who were owned by the ancestors of the waiter so I am not going to tip him even though in 1972 I don’t think anyone owned slaves in the United States but since it’s Martin Luther King Jr.’s birthday, I will go ahead and use that argument because it’s worth a shot and maybe the waiter will think I am all historically accurate and shit since the waiter is probably too stupid to know any better because if he was smart he would have a “real job.”
To the person who left that stupid note: that is not the kind of dream that Martin Luther King Jr. was talking about.
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