Some of my favorite posts to write are based on photos and news stories that people send in to me. Today’s blog post is in thanks to Katharine who sent this awesome photo of a child caught in the act of making me hate her. Katharine herself is pretty awesome and if you need proof, check her out in the fabulously funny improve comedy show Naked in a Fishbowl. Anyhoo, on to the picture.
It comes from a blog called STFU, Parents which is kinda right up my alley. In the photo, we see an adorable little bundle of annoying expressing her creative side by scribbling all over the fucking wall at a restaurant. The mom thought is was so cute that she snapped a picture of it and then sent it to her Facebook page with the caption “She thought the wall was boring so she added a little color.” She followed that insipid remark with the ubiquitous “lol.” Okay mom-named-Karina, prepare for a thrashing from The Bitchy Waiter:
Who the hell do you think is going to clean that mess up, you horrible excuse for a parent, the Crayola Elves? Unless there is some fucking bleach in that Dora the Explorer cup and you plan on using it to remove your daughter’s artistic interpretation of “Lunch With Lazy Mom” then you you need to put the camera down and explain to your daughter that this is not how children behave while at Denny’s or IHOP or wherever the hell you went. Meanwhile, the waitress is probably standing behind you shooting you the crusty evil eye and giving the signal to Bubba the fry cook that it is okay if he wants to flip your pancakes with the broom and add some “special sauce” to your syrup. Your waitress hates you. I also see a few Equal packets laying there on the table which means there are at least five or six of them on the floor under the booth, because a sugar caddy is the perfect play thing for a two-year old, right? If your daughter found the wall to be boring, maybe you should have told her, “I know it’s not as fancy as the wall paper we have back home in the double-wide, sweetie, but you just sit your butt down and wait for the food to get here.” You do not encourage her to vandalize. I don’t know the name of your daughter, but I am going to go with something like Tiffany Lynn. You are setting Tiffany Lynn up for a future of bitch. Anyone who allows their children to do whatever they want is going to soon realize they have raised a spoiled little brat who thinks she can get away with anything. Invariably, this will lead to a road of pole dancing and a six week contract with 16 and Pregnant. If your daughter was bored, I am sure there were other things you could have done rather than letting her draw on the fucking wall. I am not a parent and I just pulled these suggestions out of thin air, but what about these great ideas:
- give her a book to read
- let her color on a piece of paper
- tell her a story
- pour some NyQuil® in her sippy cup. (Again, I am not a parent. This may or may not be a good idea, but to me it sounds great.)
- play the quiet game
- let her play with whatever is in your purse. (Good parents would first remove their weed, vibrators, make up, condoms and flasks.)
- put her in her crate
- give her your iPad
- just fucking tell her she’s not at home so she needs to sit her ass down and behave herself.
Karina, I hope you will keep these points in mind the next time you take little Tiffany Lynn out to eat. It may be helpful if you print this out. That way, when you have a hankering for the Rooty Tooty Fresh ‘n’ Fruity your waitress won’t have to spend an extra fifteen minutes scrubbing crayon scribbles off the wall. And one more thing Karina: you suck at parenting.
If you agree that Karina showed some shitty ass judgement, please leave a comment and/or share this.