Cell phones. We all have ’em and we all love em. Personally, I use mine so often that I am just waiting for the day that it can be implanted directly into the side of my head and I will be able to control it with my thoughts. If what they say is true about cancer and cell phones, I may as well go ahead and get in line for my double heaping helping of brain cancer right now. Yes, brain cancer would suck but when you compare it to to the hours and hours of entertainment I get from Words With Friends and Angry Birds, it might be a fair trade off. Suffice it to say I am one of those people who never goes anywhere without his cell phone which brings me to the point of this blog post: cell phones in restaurants.
Nowadays, when customers go to a restaurant, as soon as they sit down they pull out their cell phone and place it on the table. I don’t blame them. In the span of forty-five minutes they might need to immediately update their Facebook status, send a picture to Twitter or go to Yelp to write a review. I’m right there with them. However, I need them to have some awareness regarding their phone:
- Please do not put it where it is going to be in the way when I need to set down your steaming hot plate of fussilli pasta. I will not be happy if I get first degree burns on my forearms because you are too slow to move your cell phone out of the way. Move your fucking phone.
- Do not leave it where it is going to get dripped on every time I fill your water glass. The metal pitcher I use has condensation on it and when I reach across the table there is a good chance that a drop or two of water will fall from it and it will aim directly for the screen of your new iPhone. Move your fucking phone.
- Do not ask me to adjust the lighting in the restaurant so that the photo you are taking of your fennel crusted salmon will look better. No one cares what you are having for dinner and they aren’t going to comment about it once you send the picture to Facebook. The only photos that people want to see are the ones of your children in Halloween costumes, your high school yearbook photos and pictures of yourself drunk on the 7 train. Just kidding. No one wants to see those either.
- Do not get irritated with me when I am trying to take your order at the same time you are making a call to your Fat Aunt Fanny to see how her hip replacement went. A few days ago, I ventured too near the table of a woman who was on her phone. She shooed me away as if I was some errant fly getting too close to her tail. She acted like I was trying to hear her conversation when really all I was trying to do was see if she wanted dessert or not. She waved her hand in a dismissive manner that quite frankly I found to be extremely rude. My feelings were hurt and I had to go to the bathroom to cry for a few minutes and then wash my face before I could go back to her table. Not really. I was like, “Fuck you bitch, I don’t care if your ass gets dessert or not. Here’s your fucking check and I am done with you.”
- If you need to charge your phone and ask your waiter where an electrical outlet is, do not get pissed off if there isn’t one for you to use. A restaurant is not a charging station. If there is a plug nearby, sure go ahead and charge your phone, but I am not going to unplug the coffee pot in the side stand and then “keep an eye” on your phone just so you can have enough battery power to Skype with your boyfriend later. Your dying phone battery is so not my problem. On my list of priorities, it falls below clean ketchup bottle lids and enough to-go containers. That’s really really low. Like right night next to checking the toilets to make sure they are clean.
So there you have it. Those are just a few of my thoughts on cell phones. Yes, I am addicted to mine and have to cut this short because I have not checked my news feed in almost half an hour and I need to know what I have missed. When I go to a restaurant, I always put my phone on silent and keep it out of the way of the server. It’s what everyone should do.
By the way, the lady on her phone who shooed me away did ask me about dessert. I told her that was what I was trying to discuss with her when she motioned me to get away from her. She snorted out an apology and ordered a creme brulee and then she got on her phone and told someone how delicious it was.
What are your thoughts about cell phones in restaurants? And feel free to share the hell out of this.
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