I Am Not a Morning Person

I am up at the ass crack of dawn today. If there were roosters in New York City, they would be cock-a-doodle-dooing right now. Instead, the rats are looking at me like, “Why the fuck are you up so early, lazy ass?” No, I am not serving breakfast or still up from my night of drinking. Alarm goes off at seven and you start uptown. You put in your eight hours for the powers that have always been. Till it’s five P.M. (Bonus points for you if you know what that line is from.) I am taking a break from food service in order to pursue my other calling for a few days, selling pottery. And when I say “pursue my other calling” I mean “this job I got off of Craigslist.” Twice a year, I am a sales rep for a big time pottery company and sell plates and vases and crap to the likes of Pottery Barn, Crate and Barrel and little old ladies who own stores in Cape Cod. It’s a sweet little gig except for the whole getting up before the cows come home thing.

I am not a morning person as is evidenced by the scowl that is on my face right this second. I once lived with a friend who worked the breakfast shift and she had to be at work at some crazy fucking time like 5:30 AM. She would be done with her day by 11:30 and come home with a fist full of dollars, take a nap and be good to go. I never could do that. Morning people are just as foreign to me as those who have children. I know they exist but I can’t wrap my brain around how they do it. Kim would pop out of bed and be on her merry way to the breakfast shift at the diner while I would on my water bed asking her to please hurry the fuck up and turn the light out. I always envy morning people. They seem so productive, getting their laundry done before The View and all, but I just can’t do it. I’ve tried, believe me. My aunt is a morning person who wakes up before the sun has even thought about rising and has a cup of coffee and does the crossword puzzle and then will have all her household chores done before 9:00 AM. The downside of being a morning person is these people have to go to bed early to do it. Do they know what wonders they are missing that only happen after 10:00 PM? Like the news, or Jimmy Kimmel, or House Hunters International on HGTV?

My point is, today I am a morning person. Since I don’t drink coffee, anyone who sits next to me on the 7 train better watch out. My grump could accidentally spill over onto them and cause second and third degree burns. I cannot fake a smile or have a conversation and during my shower this morning, I don’t even think I had the energy to use soap. If you happen to see a guy today selling pottery who looks like he is one grumpy ass bitch and who’s hair is matted down in the back because it took too much effort to wash it, that would be me. Come up to me. Say hello. And if you see a rooster who is trying to cockle-doodle doo, punch it in the gut for me will you? And speaking of roosters, click here to see one big cock.

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