I am never one to judge. Ever. Not the slightest bit. So when a women ordered a glass of wine from me last week, I wondered why she first sort of asked permission from the two people she was with who it turned out were her husband and her mother. “Do you guys think it’s alright if I have a glass of red wine with dinner?” I assumed she was considering that it was a weeknight and only 5:30 PM. In my book, 5:30 is the perfect time for a glass of red wine if you bump it up to 2:30 and make it a margarita instead. I instantly fell in love with her mother when she replied, “Sweetheart, you’re talking to two alcoholics, of course it’s alright.” She followed that statement with a throaty laugh that was proudly brought to us by a fifth of Jack Daniels and a pack of Marlboro Reds. I brought her a glass of Malbec and then they were ready to order dinner. The wine drinker ordered a steak and said she needed it medium well. “Ordinarily, I would like it medium rare, but since I’m pregnant, I’m supposed to have it a little more cooked than I am used to.” I looked down and saw that she had a baby brewing in her belly. Then she took a swig of wine.
I had always heard that drinking the occasional glass of red wine during a pregnancy was at least good for the blood flow if not good for copping a buzz to help you deal with the ever-increasing waistline. I had just never seen a woman feel comfortable enough to do it in public. Surely there are lots of pregnant wine drinking ladies who are in the closet because they don’t want to see the eyes of judgement gazing down upon them if they choose to imbibe at a restaurant. But here was a lady who was like, “Fuck y’all bitches. Dr. Oz said there was a study that said it might be alright so I’m goin‘ for it.” In truth, Dr. Oz said he didn’t really recommend it, but some say if you have it in your second or third trimester, it’s not so bad. It’s not like this lady was doing Jello shots and beer bongs. It was simple glass of Malbec that she had with three glasses of water and a huge steak. Her mother approved of it and she seemed like the type that drank heavily so I imagine that she had a bourbon and Coke with her in the delivery room when she birthed her daughter and she seemed fine. Then again, I didn’t really know how the pregnant lady’s brain cells were. Maybe they were damaged and I just couldn’t tell. Whatever. As long as she could figure out a 20% tip, I’m good. And who am I to decide, anyway?
It reminded me of this girl I went to elementary school with named Veronica. She was really mean, always getting into fights and did poorly on her report card. She was very short and chubby with stubby fingers and fat legs. She was only in the fifth grade, but she had the body of a 40-year old women who had already popped out three kids and never got her pre-baby body back. I remember that someone told me once that Veronica was like she was because her mom had smoked cigarettes and drank while she was pregnant. As a fourth grader, I took that for the God’s honest truth. The only reason Veronica was mean, fat and stupid must be because her mom smoked and drank. Thinking back I guess Veronica could have been fat because she always had a red mustache like she drank Kool-Aid for breakfast and she ate three corn dogs everyday for lunch. And she could have been mean because she was fat. And she could have been stupid because she was always picking on people instead of picking up books. And why would some other fourth-grader even know what Veronica’s mom was doing when she was pregnant? Man, I was as stupid as Veronica was.
The pregnant lady finished her glass of wine and then downed another glass of water. She was about 28 weeks pregnant, and my vast prenatal knowledge tells me that at 28 weeks her baby’s brain was continuing to develop and is now forming the folds and grooves of a fully developed brain. Fine and dandy. The amount of tissues within the brain also continues to increase in large amounts and it is now deciding if it likes Malbec or Pinot Noir better. The hair that covers the baby’s scalp is also getting longer and it is considering getting a Brazilian blowout if it is able to get an appointment before the due date. I applaud this women for having her sensible glass of red wine in station. Best of luck to her. And hopefully she doesn’t end up with a Veronica. That bitch was mean.