Remember last week when I told you about the two guys who stayed at my job 45 minutes after we closed because they couldn’t catch a clue even if it was covered in Velcro? They are regulars and one of them graced us with his presence again recently and I got to listen to him talk for the whole length of my shift. Yes, I am truly saying that he was there when I punched in blabbing his mouth and his engine was still running when I punched out and said goodbye. It really boggles my mind that he can talk incessantly about absolutely nothing and not ever realize that the people around him feel trapped, miserable, suicidal and brain dead. As he yammers on, you feel for his victims who innocently sat next to him at the bar and ended up being caught in his trap of conversation. They try to send signals with their eyes for rescue. Their eyes are saying things like, “Why is this guy talking to me? and “Isn’t my table ready yet?” and “Can someone please shoot me?” It’s really sad.
Well, I took a few notes of the things that he was boring us with recently and I thought you would want to know some of his thoughts:
- He gave a play by play description of this video about a dog. He reenacted the whole thing to some sad lady who was waiting for her friend. I saw the video on Facebook. We all saw it on Facebook. But his interpretation of it was just plain fucking annoying. Shut the fuck up.
- He gave a run down of all the zoos in New York City, including the Bronx Zoo, the Central Park zoo and the one in Brooklyn. He told us which days are best to go visit and how much they cost. He also had some thoughts about certain animals being held in captivity. He aggressively believes that polar bears should never ever under any circumstances be held in captivity. No word on how he feels about, black bears, brown bears, grizzly bears, koala bears, panda bears or the Sri Lankan Sloth bear but polar bears should for sure never ever be held in captivity. Shut the fuck up.
- He gave us a dissertation 0n the various brick oven pizzas in and around New York City. Because you, know, he’s an expert on brick oven pizzas. Shut the fuck up.
- He told us the proper way to cook garlic and here’s a news flash: you don’t want it to get too brown. Thank you, Barefoot Fucking Contessa now shut the fuck up.
- He went into a diatribe about the royal wedding. He thinks Kate Middleton is prettier than Princess Diana was and when discussing Kate’s sister Pippa he had some very strong opinions. I quote: “How dare that bitch wear a white dress!” Shut the fuck up.
When it was time for me to leave, I gave a simple prayer of thanks and escaped without ever having his words directed to me. He’s like Medusa. If you look at her you turn to stone. If you look at this guy, you spend the rest of the night wishing that your feet were tied to a bag of stones that were being thrown into the East River. Death, take me away. Shut the fuck up.