Take Your Suggestions and Shove Them

Over the past year, some guy named Bruce has been dispensing rules of wisdom over at the New York Times. Of course I blogged about it here and here. And then he wrote about some of those rules and how he has reconsidered them seeing that they were so fucking stupid. Well now he has a list of suggestions that came from people who think they know how things should run in a restaurant. And boy oh boy, do I have something to say about their ideas. Shall we begin?

  • I think it’s permissible to stick a fork in the eye of a server who calls me “honey” or “sweetie” because I’m of a certain age.Rosemary Molloy Well, guess what, Rosemary. I think I have the right to stick a fork up a puss when someone of a certain age calls me “Hey You” or “Come Here” because it’s a two-way street, sweetie.
  • Never, ever serve food over a baby/child. If you scald a newborn, there’s a chance the father will take your life. — Peter And what am I supposed to do when parents park their goddamn stroller right in front of the table and they don’t have enough common sense or manners to move the bundle of joy out of my fucking way so I don’t have to do that? Just happened to me two weeks ago.
  • Why is it that a pepper mill must be brought and administered? For a few hundred bucks, why can a restaurant not just set one out at each table? Ellen Is this lady serious? I have seen women cram 20 packets of Splenda in their purse just because it was there. How many goddamn pepper mills would we go through if we just left them on the table? Sorry, Ellen, that is one stupid idea. Game over, try again, dumb bitch.
  • If you happen to see guests saying grace before the meal, pause for them to finish. jiminboulder In all my years of working in restaurants, I have never seen a waiter interrupt someone saying grace. I can’t imagine that ever happening. I think this person just wanted to get their name on the list so they came up with this non-existent issue. If it’s a real problem, maybe they should pray about it.
  • WAIT STAFF PLEASE DON’T EVER EXTEND A HAND FOR A HANDSHAKE!! This falls under the category of never touch a customer but this issue needs to be specifically addressed. It suggests a level of familiarity that is inappropriate and I have zero interest in touching the hand that is exposed to all of the dirt, germs and yuckiness of dirty plates, food etc. michael What makes this asshat think I want to shake his fucking hand anyway? And I can guarantee that I wash my hands way more often than he does. I have zero interest in touching his hands either that may have just touched something really nasty like his face, his wife or his baby. Totally disgusting.
  • Do not bite your fingernails. 
Do not scratch your crotch. 
Do not run fingers through your hair. Major Slack Duh. No shit, Sherlock. But would it be alright if I pick my nose and wipe the booger underneath your table? Please advise because apparently you think we are total fucktards.
  • Don’t take the final sales slip or payment before the guests leave. I find it outraging when a server takes the completed bill (showing my tip) before I’ve left. Keith T. We do that because sometimes customers are too stupid to leave our copy and if they take our copy, then we won’t get a tip. And in some cases, customers intentionally take both copies so they can dispute the charge knowing that we have no signed copy to show that they authorized the charge. So, yeah, that’s why we do that.
  • I personally prefer it when a waiter writes down orders, because it makes me feel secure in getting the order I wanted, but I was wondering … Goran I personally prefer it when the customer just goes right up to the computer and orders the food themselves. Unfortunately, things don’t always work out for us, do they? And sorry, but I don’t need to write down “hamburger well done and a Coke,” but I was wondering…
  • My biggest pet peeve of eating out — when the waiter asks you how everything is while your mouth is full. How can you possibly answer?! I can’t help but think they do it on purpose. ECA If that’s your biggest pet peeve while dining out, you have it pretty good. And I do do it on purpose sometimes because it’s fun.
  • Do not play recorded music in a restaurant. I would like to talk to my dinner companion(s), not listen to music. When did it become a rule to play music in restaurants? And why? Alex Greer Okay, Alex, just for you, no more recorded music. From now on, we will provide a live 50-piece orchestra. And for your information, it became a rule on October 21st, 1978 to play music in restaurants so that the people who work there didn’t have to listen to your incessant talking to your dining companion.
  • I had a waiter who pointed at a customer with his pencil. 
‘And what will you have?’ 
I took his apron and pencil and threw him out. frank visakay Frank, take a chill pill. So a waiter pointed at you with a pencil and you threw something at him? And how did your waiter’s saliva taste when it came back at you in your iced tea?
  • And please don’t say, “Are we ready to order?” I didn’t invite you to eat with us. Also, please don’t squat down to take our order. If you wanted to be a baseball catcher, you are in the wrong business. — Trudy R. Trudy, shut the fuck up. You’re going to get your grandma panties in a twist over semantics? And the baseball catcher reference is hilarious. You should totally be a comedy writer or do stand up. That’s fucking golden. Ladies and gentleman, I give to you the next Roseanne Barr, Trudy R!

Of course all of these suggestions probably come from peopl
e who have never tied on a apron and served some food. They all sound like persnickety bitches who always think their hot tea is cold and the bread is stale. They ask for extra butter and then don’t use it and they always say they’re in a hurry but never are. So to them, I say fuck you. And I can’t wait for you to be in my station someday so I can pick my nose, interrupt your prayer, stuff a pepper grinder in your purse for you and then turn the music up so you can’t hear your dining companions. It’s what I do, for I am The Bitchy Waiter.

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33 Responses to Take Your Suggestions and Shove Them

  1. Vicki says:

    I'm with you! I manage a restaurant and we keep the music level set at 18–it's not too loud and it's not too soft and it doesn't change. We have this old (insert expletive of choice) who comes in several times a week who ALWAYS asks us to turn the music off or down. You would think that after a year and a half he would get that we aren't going to do either. Great post as usual =) I might not always agree with you, but I love to read your opinions.

  2. Mark W says:

    My very first job was working at a local pizza place called Mr. Gattis in my hometown. At the time, we delivered food to the tables and occasionally checked on drinks, but we weren't actual waiters The orders were placed at the counter and we just followed up on them. Now, though, it's a buffet style place with self serve drinks. On my first night working, when I was 17 years old, I had a large pizza in each hand, and I couldn't set them down because there were THREE highchairs at the end of the table, which was against a wall. The woman said "Oh, just set them down," but I couldn't do it because her brats were in the way. Just then, my (hot young) manager came over and said "Ma'am, how can we deliver your food and drinks if you create a barricade with your children? I'd hate to think what would happen if this hot pepperoni slid onto one of them! Maybe you could do the sensible thing and move them to the other side, near the wall?" I've never forgotten him, and I think that's where my attitude while waiting tables comes from.Anyway, I don't comment on sites where I have to register to do so. I almost broke that rule so I could comment on those lists. Jesus fucking Christ. Those are the people who create slow service for the rest of your tables, which means on top of the 2% tip they leave you, the rest of your tables are going to undertip because they had to wait.But the one that got me the most was the one who wants us to baby her baby in order to get a good tip. Pisses me off. Because even after we baby her baby, play peek-a-boo with it, bring it the crayons and crackers, no amount of tip from the bitch makes worth my having to crawl under the table to clean up the giant fucking gross mess her illegitimate bastard leaves behind in the wake of its cuteness.As far as not handing food over a child's head? Then don't fucking put your high chair at the end of the table! That simple.God, I'm so glad I don't wait tables anymore. Operating roller coasters is so much better, because I get to control the assholes I "serve."

  3. JimL says:

    Okay, in all fairness, if you haven't served us before, we don't know that you have a photographic memory. We don't modify excessively, but the one thing that most often gets screwed up is the cheese/dairy that my wife asked to be left off because of allergies.If your memory is that good, then you have my admiration.

  4. Twinkie says:

    Wow, people, life is short. Getting mad over being called Sweetie? Or someone crouching or sitting to take your order? Sheesh!If my server smiles or is pleasant, gets my order in the neighborhood of right (salad dressing not on the side? OH NOES! I CAN'T GO ON!), I smile back and leave a good tip. I make mistakes every day and thank God nobody docks my pay for 'em.

  5. I'm a new reader and as a former waitress/bartender; I relate to every fucking thing you say. And I love your bitchy attitude.

  6. Nightgaunt says:

    My friends and I make some jokes about the skill and timing it takes for the waiters we tend to run into to manage to ask how everything is while we've all got out mouths full, but honestly -we- are joking, because it's really kind of funny. Plus it probably saves the waitress/waiter time when all they have to listen to is an approving "MRMPHLE" ((accompanied by nodding or whatnot)) instead of actual comments. And seriously? THROWING something because the waiter was indicating to them with a pencil? That's insanely immature.

  7. barwrench says:

    Oh for fucks sake, just eat your food and shut the fuck up. If you leave a comment card, we are probally just gonna laugh at it and throw it away anyway.

  8. The restaurant business is a business where you shouldn't suggest unless you've walked a mile in their shoes. Or a night-shift. I mean, what person wants doesn't mean it's a fact that needs to happen. It's almost an art, serving. So unless you're a Picasso, keep your opinions to yourself people! :)Ava

  9. Elizabeth says:

    People always amaze me at how angry and horrible they make going out to eat. I love going out to eat for the social atmosphere, seeing my friends, eating great food and enjoying good wine. And people like this should be banished from restaurants, and I think a lot more managers and owners should stop accommodating to these morons. I also think, these people are truly just miserable pricks and karmas a bitch.

  10. Cinoda says:

    Bitchy, One of your best posts ever and I'm not even in the business! I really wish the public could figure out the important things in life instead of bitching about the small things.

  11. Pyro's Gal says:

    I have finally read all of your blog entries and I must say you are hysterically funny. I used to be a bartender, so I feel your pain.The bar I worked in once put out these little candle lantern-thingys on the cocktail tables. They disappeared in less than a week! Ellen the pepper mill lady needs to get whacked with the clue bat.

  12. The Empress says:

    I'm guessing these asshats with all of the handy-dandy (stupid) suggestions are the same people that leave crappy tips.

  13. Estrellita says:

    I suggest they shut the fuck up and stay the hell home.

  14. MarketsNYC says:

    Mama needs a new pepper grinder!

  15. TacoDave says:

    Regarding serving food over babies: while I agree that people who put the baby in the way of the server are idiots, speaking as a parent I can state with authority that it is usually not our fault.Many times while being seated I've said "Can we move the high chair? It's in the way here…" and the staff usually comes back with "Sorry. Fire codes say it has to be here." I call BS.My problem is when the waiter or waitress brings food and places it on the table within reach of my toddler. I didn't order anything for the kid, so why are you putting hot plates directly in front of her? You *know* she wants to see what that sizzling fajita skillet feels like, don't you?

  16. SkippyMom says:

    The one of the list that grates on me is the "If I want a hot tea refill don't just bring hot water. Bring me a new tea bag."Okay – not a problem, but that isn't a refill – that is a new order and you WILL be charged for it.

  17. Anonymous says:

    Do the world a favor on par with curing cancer. Don't bring your fucking kid to a restaurant! In fact, the whole family should just stay the fuck home. If you wanted to be eating out you shouldn't have had a kid.

  18. Mary A. says:

    Taco Dave – I get you, I really do. I have 3 little kids. But because my 3 little kids usually have crackers, crayons, spilled water, sugar packets & napkins all over the table by the time the food comes. . .I don't know where else the waiter is supposed to put the food. Let the waiter put it down and then you move it.

  19. Rachel says:

    I gotta love the ones that promise physical harm to a server who dares to insult their esteemed selves. It's hard to tell what they are trying to get out of that, exactly–do they want to be taken seriously, and for people to honestly believe that they are the entitled asshates who go uday hussein on those they deem to be 'servants'. Or is it supposed to be an immature form of humor? Such as…'if the guy at McDonalds doesn't give me all of my change, I will jump through the ToGo window and beat him to a pulp! My hyperbole is funny!' Hahahahahaha. Stand up comedy gold, right there. Or do they want to be viewed as 'badasses', since, I have to imagine, most people who make these silly statements would lose a fight to a prepubescent girl?

  20. My favorite is the ridiculous train of thought that a waiter who squats must want to be a baseball catcher. How the fuck is a person so stupid that they arrive at this conclusion? That's like saying that a waiter who asks how you're doing wants to be a detective.Clearly the brain-dead moron who made that statement has a huge inferiorty complex, since the action of someone lowering themselves to her level (literally) causes such discomfort to her… …though her judgmental and assuming statement about being a baseball cathcer… …a passive-aggressive inferiority complex?Whatever, she's a loser. Kind of like the bad-ass who really expects dropping food on a baby to be cause for homicide.

  21. Eesti says:

    I’m impressed. I don’t think I’ve met anyone who knows as much about this subject as you do. You’re truly well informed and very intelligent. You wrote something that people could understand and made the subject intriguing for everyone. Really, great blog you’ve got here

  22. I decided to read over the whole article before I posted a response, and I must say that some people CLEARLY just don't get it. I was just reading over the list shaking my head at how clueless and rude people can be. Reading over your post and the original article also made me realize how much I hate the guest surveys that management prints out every week. The comments that people leave are so outrageous and ridiculous sometimes. I just wonder how people can be so clueless when it comes to eating out? And I wonder if these people realize that if a restaurant put into action all of their suggestions, restaurants would no longer be places where people want to frequent. For example, some people like music in the restaurant. If we took away music altogether (just because 2 or 3 people requested it), where would that leave the other 1000+ people that come into the restaurant each week? People can be so selfish…

  23. purplegirl says:

    People are so fucking clueless.We get all sorts of jackasses who demand we "turn off that noise!" because they don't like our top 40 radio station. Fuck you, twat. It's there for a reason! Without the music on as an aural buffer, everybody will hear you talking and realize what a clueless bitch you are!

  24. sally says:

    TacoDave, If you're so worried about it, how about you leave the kid at home? Or at the VERY least, don't order the fajitas?

  25. Liz says:

    Great post, LOVED your response to each "suggestion." Hilarious!

  26. leia says:

    i swear to god, you're like the little devil on my left shoulder. these people ARE fucktards and asshats and everything in between (fuckhats? asstards?)! ***ladyvader99.blogspot.com******www.geekforce5.com***

  27. Tonya says:

    What a bunch of self-important little schmucks. These are the people that caused me to hate customer service. They're not just in the restaurants though, they're everywhere! The guy behind me at the grocery store today was huffing and panting because the cashier had to go get some cigarettes for a customer. Entitled assholes are everywhere.

  28. Shannyn says:

    These are the people that I made rules for using a restaurant for, I swear I'm going to write out a 40 page booklet and hand it out to people with the 6 menus we give them. I like the one about not shaking hands. So if a guest wants to shake my hand I should tell them to fuck way off because I don't touch people with my filthy botulism covered hands, which ps were just putting the fruit on their drink or cutting that third serving of dinner bread they asked for? Also if anyone wants to read the rules look at my blog. http://shannynjohnson.blogspot.com/

  29. G. Mars says:

    Outstanding. I've personally wanted to slug the guest who says "I don't usually complain, but…" Well, yes you do, all the time! And it's usualyy about nothing!

  30. JimL says:

    Any particular reason that my comment was deletted?

  31. @jimL: Blogger removed some posts temporarily and when it all came back, some things were missing. Sorry.

  32. Kimberly says:

    This is absolutely hilarious. These people are the reason that I refuse to find a waitressing job in NYC. I dealt with enough "weekenders" when I lived upstate, I can only imagine some of the dickwads that never leave. I read the rest of the list and my favorite was about not touching the napkin to replace it when the guest leaves. I'm sorry, but at my last job that was one of my job requirements. And trust me, I really wasn't all that thrilled about touching someone's nasty, used napkin. And how the hell do you think it got on the table in the first place? Sure as hell wasn't the napkin fairy.

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