I decided to make a list (in bullet form since I learned the HTML code for it. Fancy, ain’t it?) of all the things I hate to hear coming from the mouth of a customer. None of them are unique or interesting and I don’t care to ever hear these phrases again. Holla to Thomas for the inspiration for this bitchy post.
- “Oh I hated it.” when I clear their plate that they virtually licked clean. Tired joke.
- “You don’t even have to send that plate to the dishwasher.” when I clear their plate that they virtually licked clean. Tireder joke.
- “What do you have to drink?” This makes me crazy. Every restaurant has the same things to drink. They just do.
- “Can I get seconds?” If you want to order another entree, that is fine with me.
- “Are you an actor?” All waiters in New York City are not actors. I happen to be one.
- “Have I seen you in anything?” You have never seen me in anything unless you make a habit of seeing really bad theater in basements in the outer boroughs. Or maybe you picked me out of the crowd scene in that Enchanted movie.
- “What’s good?” The most expensive thing is the best tasting thing on the menu. Order two.
- “Is this really Diet Coke?” If you ordered a fucking Diet Coke, then you got a fucking Diet Coke. The only time I may switch one soda for another is when a fat kid orders a third Coke. The third one will be a Diet Coke because it just needs to be.
- “I’m allergic to ________ .” Are you really allergic to it or do you just not want it?
- “It’s my birthday!” Hurrah for you. You were born. What a colossal achievement to be proud of. No, you do not get free shit.
- “I’m a really good tipper.” Anyone who says this is not a good tipper. Ever.
- “We are really in a hurry.” No you’re not. You’re just really hungry.
- “Do you have a restroom?” Seriously?
- “I would like a cup of hot coffee.” Thank you for reminding me to not get your coffee from the pot that is labeled room temperature coffee.
- “Is our food ready?” Yes, it is. It’s been sitting back there on a shelf for 15 minutes but I just wasn’t sure that you really wanted it but now that I know you do, I will go get it.
- “I know what I want to order” when you clearly have no idea what the fuck you want to order.
- “Oh you don’t close for five more minutes? Whew, we made it just in time!” I hate you and so does the kitchen staff. Please do enjoy our saliva.
- “Is this dessert low calorie?” They think it’s funny to ask this as they cram a cheesecake into their face. It’s not funny. It’s sad.
- “Can I get these fries to go?” Just eat the fucking fries now. They are only french fries and they will taste like ass when you try to reheat them in your microwave tomorrow.
- “What else do you do?” as if waiting tables isn’t enough to occupy one’s life. It’s insulting and I don’t need to tell you what else I do with my life. (I sit at home and question my decision to not get my teacher’s certificate.)
- “Can I get some more bread?” Just because it is free does not mean you have to eat a baker’s dozen worth of rolls.
- “Thank you.” Just kidding. Nobody ever says that.
What do you hate hearing at work?
* This was originally posted in November of 2009… so sue me.