Dear Customer: Please Shut Up

I decided to make a list (in bullet form since I learned the HTML code for it. Fancy, ain’t it?) of all the things I hate to hear coming from the mouth of a customer. None of them are unique or interesting and I don’t care to ever hear these phrases again. Holla to Thomas for the inspiration for this bitchy post.

  • “Oh I hated it.” when I clear their plate that they virtually licked clean. Tired joke.
  • “You don’t even have to send that plate to the dishwasher.” when I clear their plate that they virtually licked clean. Tireder joke.
  • “What do you have to drink?” This makes me crazy. Every restaurant has the same things to drink. They just do.
  • “Can I get seconds?” If you want to order another entree, that is fine with me.
  • “Are you an actor?” All waiters in New York City are not actors. I happen to be one.
  • “Have I seen you in anything?” You have never seen me in anything unless you make a habit of seeing really bad theater in basements in the outer boroughs. Or maybe you picked me out of the crowd scene in that Enchanted movie.
  • “What’s good?” The most expensive thing is the best tasting thing on the menu. Order two.
  • “Is this really Diet Coke?” If you ordered a fucking Diet Coke, then you got a fucking Diet Coke. The only time I may switch one soda for another is when a fat kid orders a third Coke. The third one will be a Diet Coke because it just needs to be.
  • “I’m allergic to ________ .” Are you really allergic to it or do you just not want it?
  • “It’s my birthday!” Hurrah for you. You were born. What a colossal achievement to be proud of. No, you do not get free shit.
  • “I’m a really good tipper.” Anyone who says this is not a good tipper. Ever.
  • “We are really in a hurry.” No you’re not. You’re just really hungry.
  • “Do you have a restroom?” Seriously?
  • “I would like a cup of hot coffee.” Thank you for reminding me to not get your coffee from the pot that is labeled room temperature coffee.
  • “Is our food ready?” Yes, it is. It’s been sitting back there on a shelf for 15 minutes but I just wasn’t sure that you really wanted it but now that I know you do, I will go get it.
  • “I know what I want to order” when you clearly have no idea what the fuck you want to order.
  • “Oh you don’t close for five more minutes? Whew, we made it just in time!” I hate you and so does the kitchen staff. Please do enjoy our saliva.
  • “Is this dessert low calorie?” They think it’s funny to ask this as they cram a cheesecake into their face. It’s not funny. It’s sad.
  • “Can I get these fries to go?” Just eat the fucking fries now. They are only french fries and they will taste like ass when you try to reheat them in your microwave tomorrow.
  • “What else do you do?” as if waiting tables isn’t enough to occupy one’s life. It’s insulting and I don’t need to tell you what else I do with my life. (I sit at home and question my decision to not get my teacher’s certificate.)
  • “Can I get some more bread?” Just because it is free does not mean you have to eat a baker’s dozen worth of rolls.
  • “Thank you.” Just kidding. Nobody ever says that.

What do you hate hearing at work?

* This was originally posted in November of 2009… so sue me.

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35 thoughts on “Dear Customer: Please Shut Up

  1. Merlex

    I agree on the "Do you have a bathroom?" question. I work as an usher in a concert hall, so there are thousands of people in the building every night. Without fail, someone asks, "Do you have a bathroom?" No, dumbass, we make you go outside and pee with the homeless people at the busstop across the street. Of course we have a bathroom! Ask me the right way and I might even tell you where it is.

  2. James Smith

    I spent last summer working in a movie theater. not a bad job, but i once had a woman ask "how many calories are there in a buttered popcorn?" I was taking poeples ticket stubs at the time….

  3. Anonymous

    I hate when they ask if there are free refills on soda. I tell them "No, there are not. Would you still like another soda?" Then they say no.

  4. Ester Jean

    I work down the road from Sarah Palin's house, and it's annoying enough when 75% of our guests ask where she lives, but it PISSES me off when they demand, "TELL me where Sarah lives!" god, crazy ass, would you want me to tell a demanding stranger where YOU live? Get a life! I like to give them the run-around to piss them off. "Sarah who?" …"oh , did she have a show on TV or something?" or if they keep going on and on about her, I might say, "oh, the only time I really saw her house was on TV when she resigned from being the Alaskan governor." (just in case they forgot that she dropped out of that job…)

  5. Hello, my name is....

    I work in a hotel resteraunt, where milk and sugar is placed ready on their table, and every day without fail somebody asks to have their milk warmed up or to have sugar sachets instead of cubes. I would understand if they want warm milk for their baby, but they don't. Plus, its always the fat people that ask for their milk to be warmed up. Its going in their tea/coffee anyway, what does it matter if they need it warm, i takes 5minutes to heat as the bloody place dosent have a then they get all arsey and start demanding how long it will be. Ha, rant over!! 🙂

  6. Mary A.

    The question I hate is "Do we have to enter this?" That doesn't mean anything to anybody who is not in the College business, but the short answer is yes. The real answer is: "Why wouldn't you fucking enter it you lazy douche?"

  7. Sincerely, The Waitress

    "So… what time do you finish?", especially when paired with a leer and a wink. I don't know why they bother because I'm pretty sure no waitress ever replies with "Oh, just let me tell my manager I'm going now then we can have sex in the alley out back."

  8. jnana

    "Is our food ready?" Yes, it is. It's been sitting back there on a shelf for 15 minutes but I just wasn't sure that you really wanted it but now that I know you do, I will go get it.LOL! I'm guilty of asking this many times! It seems like a nicer way to say 'Get the food faster' but since following your blog I've become alot more considerate while dealing with waiters in restaurants. Just thought you should know that you're helping out all the fellow waiters out there with this blog 😛

  9. Furni

    Ha. I just did my own version of customer comments as well. I won't blog whore here, its on there but I completely agree. Sometimes my jaw just wants to hit the floor and I really feel like closing myself in the freezer for a good while until all the stupid dies. But, sadly I know it never will.

  10. Anonymous

    I always give a knowing grin to the ones who ask "do you have real gingerale or fake gingerale?" though. I feel like they must have served food at some point to be aware of the fact that 99 times out of 100, guests will not know that you gave them sprite with a splash of coke in it instead of a gingerale. The special part is when their friends look baffled and laughing and asking "what kind of question is that?!?!?", but between you and the guest that asked the question, you know it isn't always real gingerale. I told the other servers that at a restaurant once and they didn't believe me, so I filled 3-5 glasses with various mixes of sierra mist, club soda, pepsi, diet pepsi, etc. 1 was real gingerale. All were the exact same color. Even after smelling (and several times even after tasting) most of the servers guessed wrong as to which was the real gingerale.*For those wondering why a server would ever give you fake gingerale, gingerale is usually only carried on the bar's soda gun since most soda machines don't have enough fixtures to accomodate it. If it's really busy and the bartender is slammed and access to the soda gun is difficult…you may receive fake gingerale…

  11. Anonymous

    "Whole wheat, sourdough or rye"… My favorite is when a person orders a sandwich and you tell them (tell everyone at the table, an announcement really.) That they have a choice of whole wheat, sourdough or rye. The next person orders a sandwich and asks what kind of bread you have, then the third asks, then the fourth asks. Really?? "Are you all so self absorbed that you did not hear me say it at all?? AND no we did not switch our bread choices suddenly between your orders". (It's also clearly on the menu)The day I quit I tallied how many times I had to say "Whole wheat, sourdough or rye" it was 47 times in a 4 hour shift. I finally responded to a table "the same kind of bread I just said three times at this table, it's on the menu too, I'll come back when you're ready" Realized I was being a bitch, and that no one deserved that.

  12. Anonymous

    "Are you ready to order"? "YES"! Then blank silent stares at the menu.. "OH, I'll come back when you are ready, in just a moment". "NO, we are ready". Blank silent stares at menus. "Ok, what would you like sir"? "Oh, start with them"… Blank silent stares… "I'll give you a Minute". "No, we're ready"…. "Clearly you are not ready and many people that are really ready are waiting". and I walked off……

  13. witchybaiter

    I have two coworkers who cannot ask me a question without first prefacing it with the question "Can I ask you a question?" Every fucking time, day after day. I really want to say "Yes you can, but only one and you used it up, fuckbag."

  14. Anonymous

    I work at a hotel. My least favorite thing is "What do you mean you have no more rooms left tonight? But I'm a diamond member." Sure…let me just go build your ass a room. -R.E.

  15. carmar76

    i hate when ppl ask "do you have a minute?" or "are you busy?" on IM when my little indicator thing is busy. i mean, really? YES i'm busy, that's why the circle next to my name which you just pulled up says BUSY. just sets a tone. however, one girl would always start off "i know you're busy" or "i'm sorry to bother you." i never minded that, cuz at least she was acknowledging that she was interrupting something. 🙂

  16. Kate

    I'm a teacher – so right before I start in explaining something I hate hearing "Can I go to the bathroom/locker/office/vending machine/water fountain?"

  17. Noelle

    this is a funny post.I have a couple to add: "your gonna have to roll me outa here" Gross "do we HAVE to make a reservation?" I have various answers for this one I won't bore you with. "what the secret to seasoning recipe?" I won't state the obvious.

  18. Emma

    "What deals do you have?" "What soups do you have?" …I'm standing right next to a "soup of the day" sign and there's another one right behind my head. If there's reading involved, people just don't want to do it. "Do you have ice cream?" I work at a Subway. Grrrr.

  19. Eden

    I worked at an answering service for 10 years. The phrase I hate above all others is. "Did someone call me from this number?" – How the fuck should I know?! And please please learn the difference between voicemail and caller-ID. If they had really wanted you to call them back then they would have been arsed to leave a message. and 2nd "Why haven't they called me back yet?" – because you are the last person in the world they want to talk to so please, yes, keep calling and bugging me because I can obviously speed up the process.

  20. Eden

    oo-oooh, Thanks to anonymous who has the ability to build hotel rooms, I am reminded of one more… When I would say, "I'm sorry, they are closed for the day." The caller responding with, "but I thought they were open." Ok seriously? What am I supposed to do with that. You thought wrong. Oh wait, they are still here, standing next to me in my office, let me pass the phone over (eye-roll).BTW- bitchy, one of your best posts ever. Sorry I wrote as much as you.

  21. Robyn

    Do you work here? Is the q I hate the most?Ohh I dunno. let's see. I have the store name badge. I'm wearing the store colours. I'm even up on a ladder!!!

  22. Maria

    Re: the "hot coffee" thing. They're probably tourists. In other parts of the country, it seems that people prefer cold drinks, so you have to specify HOT coffee or tea or you will get iced. I recently had servers in New Mexico ask me if I wanted iced tea at 7 am on a day where the temps were well below zero, and react with surprise when I told them no, I wanted hot tea. (It's actually rather difficult to get a cup of hot tea outside the northeast corridor, but I won't bore you with that rant.)

  23. Anonymous

    I had this happen to me a few times. The rule over here is that if a customer wants to make a change, I have to ask the chef first if he can do it. By now I know what he can or cannot do but just the other day I had an unusual request so I said:"let me double check if we can do that for you." And he responds:"you can."Fucker.

  24. Anonymous

    We have a regular customer who orders fresh milk with her coffee. As opposed to what? Sour? Powdered? We also have someone who orders their coffee 'to go' in the drive thru line up. As opposed to what? Setting up a table on the curb beside the drive thru lane?They order a breakfast sandwich. I say; "Do you want that on a biscuit or English muffin?" They say: "Yes" Bacon, ham or sausage? Yes…and they talk to us like WE'RE idiots. We want to get their order right so we double check things the headset didn't pick up… "So I have your XL coffee 3 cream and I missed how many sugar you wanted…" Then they get huffy and repeat the whole fucking order cuz, of course, I must be stupid.When I started working in this coffee shop, I was trained by someone who is a member of Mensa and who just wanted a job she could leave at work at the end of the day. So, fuck your preconceived notions about the kind of people who work in places like I work.Sorry…I kinda vented here. I loved the list. It would be interesting to hear lists from other kinds of businesses. I'm sure I ask my fair share of stupid – to them – questions.Frimmy

  25. Anonymous

    Oh, THAT's the one I hate the most: "Yes." I gave you options- yes will not suffice. "Both", "Neither", "All of the above", or actually making a selection are all acceptable answers, but "yes" is just annoying. Put down your damn cell phone, pick up the menu, look me in the eye and listen to the options I am giving you. "Yes" and "I'll have a beer" are probably my 2 biggest peeves. What KIND of beer? Bottle or tap? Do you need a chilled glass on the side? Oh, you didn't want one when you ordered it, but NOW you do- I should have been psychic- SO sorry.

  26. d.b

    during restaurant week-shudder-after explaining the menu to a table whose 1st language wasn't english"are you the chef?"WOW,you folks eat out much?

  27. d.b

    during restaurant week-shudder-after explaining the menu to a table whose 1st language wasn't english"are you the chef?"WOW,you folks eat out much?

  28. SJCT

    Very funny post. Although I have to disagree on the last one. Some people do say "thank you". They tend to be other service industry staff! I'm not in the industry anymore, but when I was, I could always pick out the others that were. They would always preface their requests with "when you have a minute" or "If you're not busy".

  29. LittleTytoAlba

    I work in healthcare. And we have one page of paperwork that at the very top of the page in blod letters it plainly states: "This form must be filled out completely before being seen by a physician" and every day I ALWAYS have one captian asshat who has the audactity to say 'do I have to fill this out?' "you don't need this, you have all my records" 'I'm not filling this out.' Fine. Then you won't be seen, I don't have to work, and you can kindly return to rehab to get off your addiction to vicoden. Everyone wins.

  30. Angry Nerd Server

    You said, word for word, what I was going to say. "What time do you guys close?" "11:00" (it's 10:50 at this time). "Sweet! We still have time!" FUCK YOU.Also- "You're such a great server!" Verbal tip=no tip.


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