Seeing that today is the day of rapture and some of us will be taken into the loving bosom of the Lord Jesus Christ our savior in Heaven, I must acknowledge this historic moment. This could very well be the last post I ever write. If the predictions are true, on May 21st at 6:00 PM (in your time zone) the world will begin to quake and it is the beginning of the end. This, according to 89 year old Harold Camping who is the founder of Family Radio. The saved Christian souls will ascend to heaven, including those dead and buried. All others will remain as the Earth falls into fiery chaos. I can only assume that I will be one left in the fiery chaos since, you know, I’m a bitch and all that. It sucks because it’s just one week until my birthday too. Total bummer. So I thought I could give you a few pointers on how to prepare for the rapture and judgement day:
- Go out to eat tonight and leave your waiter a huge tip. Just max out your credit card. If the bill is $47 and you have $1689 left of credit on your account, you should leave the waiter $1689. Your generosity may score you some bonus points and get you into Heaven.
- Stock up on sun screen. We will still have five months before the world ends and I suspect it’ll be pretty warm with all the fire and brimstone and shit.
- Discard any plans you had for your Halloween costume because the world will be done on October 21st and you probably won’t need a costume in hell.
- Go to iTunes or YouTube and download Blondie’s “Rapture” or Anita Baker’s “Caught Up in the Rapture” because I am pretty sure if you are playing one of those songs when God comes down, you get a “Get Out of Hell Free” card.
- Since my birthday is May 29th, you should just go ahead and click here to give me my present now.
- When you see that guy in the subway tunnel between the 7 train and the F train who screams about the Bible, just tell him, “Hey, can you save me a seat tomorrow?”
- Go see Bridesmaids because I heard it’s really funny and I have a feeling it won’t be as funny on Sunday when you are surrounded by demons, devils and flames. Who knows, though. That Kristen Wiig is one funny lady and her humor may be funny enough to put Armageddon in its place.
- Call this place to make sure your pets are taken care of. Apparently, all dogs don’t go to Heaven and you need to make arrangements or Fluffy and Fido are gonna be wandering around down here all alone.
- Make sure you take some Dramamine, because if you are one of the lucky few to ascend to Heaven, I suspect that it will be a long flight with much turbulence. I would also suggest taking some granola bars because I don’t think a meal is offered. Cocktails and other beverages may be available but as always, exact change is appreciated.
- You might want to get your hair done because if you end up in Heaven, you want to look nice when you meet St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. If you don’t go to Heaven, you should be able to get an appointment at any salon after Saturday because so many of them are owned and operated by the gays and they are total sinners who will never get into Heaven no matter how hard they try.
- Just go ahead and tell your boss, “Fuck off, asshole. Go to Hell!” See what happens.
- If you were planning on doing laundry this weekend, don’t bother.
- Ask your Jewish friends if they can water your plants for you when you are taken up and they are left behind for being non-believers in Jesus Christ.
- If you are meek, prepare to inherit the earth. Congratulations!
- Place your “Honk If You Love Jesus” bumper sticker on your front door so God knows where to find you.
- You don’t want to show up to Heaven empty handed. It’s rude. Might I recommend Rapture® by Victoria’s Secret? Jesus’ mom will appreciate the thought.
- When you go out tonight, drink as many margaritas as you want because your hangover won’t matter tomorrow. You can either ask God for an aspirin when you get to his place or you can just sleep it off. Chances are good that you won’t have to go to work tomorrow because the world will need a couple of days to adjust to everything. I would think by Monday or Tuesday the trains in New York City will be running again with occasional delays. You might be able to go to work late on Monday too. Just use the old “Sorry, I was caught up in the rapture” excuse. It works every time.
Good luck everyone. And good bye. Or see you later. Or see you tomorrow. Whatever. God Bless.