Some of you may be wondering why I didn’t issue a press release sooner; like on May 21st at 6:05 PM perhaps. You might think I was too embarrassed to show my face but that is simply not the case. (I made a rhyme!) I had a very busy Sunday. Most of the day I spent on the phone with my credit card company. I needed to reverse several thousand dollars of charges I had made on my account over the last month. Truth be told, I really didn’t expect to be around to pay the bill when it showed up so I had to return a few items. Golly, I sure will miss that hot tub. I also had to go to the grocery store, water my plants and retrieve my pets that I had let loose in the woods. By the time I got all that done, I was plum tuckered out.
As for the thousands and thousands of dollars that you have all donated to my cause, I want to say thank you. It was really sweet of you to do that. I never ever in a million billion trillion gazillion years expected people to donate to my church. And this whole Rapture thing I can guarantee was absolutely 100% not a publicity stunt to fill my coffers with more gold. (Hey, maybe I don’t need to return that hot tub! 🙂 Just kidding! LOL!) Rest assured that all of that money will be used for something very very important. I have narrowed it down to three possibilities: I will either use it to build a school in Africa, feed the homeless or I might just let it sit in the bank and collect interest until I die at which time it will be bequeathed to my dog Noah, providing I ever find him in the woods.
Finally, I want to promise to you that the next time I predict a doomsday, it will definitely happen. And I don’t mean like probably happen or more than likely happen, it’s really gonna happen. And I mean that, because if I didn’t mean it then that would make me a false prophet. And false prophets are bad. (False profits are bad too, LOL! So again, I am so so totally sorry about the whole mix up. Don’t hate me, okay? Jesus loves you.