Sick Baby on Board

The thing with babies is that you can’t ever leave them alone, even when you want to. Again, I don’t have kids, but that’s what I’ve heard. Surely there are times when a parent secretly wishes that they could just put their baby in a crate, go out to dinner and then come home two hours later, give it some water and take it out for a walk. That seems to work great for my dog. Or maybe there are times when the baby wants to stay home but the parents drag it out anyway. This may have been the case last night when a couple had dinner with their horribly sick child. Looking at that baby’s eyes, they seemed to be saying, “Bitch, I just wanna be at home with some Saltines, ginger ale, a National Enquirer and Oprah.”

I was in my station at the front of the restaurant when my bossy co-worker (read all about him here) came to me and told me (not asked me…) to help clean up the milk that a baby spilled at table 21. Making my way to the spill zone, I saw another server in the dish room wiping down a high chair. The milk looked bumpy and slimy so I assumed it was some kind of nasty cheap ass baby formula that comes from Costco. The waiter was putting on rubber gloves. “That is some weird looking milk, right? I said. He replied. “Oh, it’s not milk. The baby threw up all over everything.” He began to clean it up as I slowly removed myself from the situation. I do not clean up vomit. (Unlike this super hero.) And then I wondered why the fuck Moe asked me to clean up the “milk” when he knew it was fucking baby puke. One more reason to dislike this guy.

Anhyoo, it was then that I caught my first look at the baby. It was now in pajamas because her clothes were covered in vomit and now in a plastic bag laying on the floor. Obviously, the mother knew this was possibility because she happened to have a pair of pj’s in her diaper bag. The poor little baby looked miserable: watery eyes, a crusty snotty nose and a cough that sounded like it belonged to a senior citizen who smoked a pack of Pall Malls every day for the last 80 years. Once, I think I saw her cough up a piece of baby lung. She quickly ingested it again. It may have been a piece of the Caesar salad her mother was feeding her, but I will just go ahead and say I am 99% sure it was baby lung. Meanwhile, the parents continued having a gay old time while their baby continued to hold down vomit and cough up body parts.

They had a two-top open next to them that I refused to seat anyone at, because I know that nobody wants to sit next to a sick baby and a bag of clothes that smell like vomit. We have to do that on the 7 train pretty much every day so you would think we would be used to it, but we’re not. The baby finally fell asleep (I hope it was asleep) allowing mom and dad to casually sip their coffee while Sick Baby drooled a puddle of mucus on to Mommy’s shoulder. Eventually, they paid the check and went home. Or to the emergency pediatric wing at Elmhusrt Hospital. That baby was fucking sick. But at least Mom and Dad got to go out to eat on a Friday night and good for them. I don’t get parents who can ignore the needs of their kids like that. Reminds me of a time I saw this woman at Blizzard Beach in Disney World. Her baby was asleep and she was carrying it around like a sack of potatoes. And someone told me once that I was selfish for not having kids? I don’t think so.

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19 thoughts on “Sick Baby on Board

  1. Stephanie

    Take out was invented for a reason. Stupid stupid parents. I'm a mom of two, and yeah, it really puts a crimp in your plans when a kid gets sick..but guess what…..if you didn't want to be interrupted constantly for 18 years of your life (or sometimes more, depending on when they leave the nest or get pushed out) you should not have had kids. Period.

  2. Mary A.

    Don't get that AT ALL. And you are NOT being selfish for not having children — they are wonderful, but if you don't wante 'em. . .don't have 'em. Wish everyone took that advice.

    1. Jason

      Same. Their nasty creature fouled the resturant, cleaning it is their responsibility. They probably asked if the staff could was the vomit soaked clothing too, so little maggot could have a fresh set if it happened again. It wouldn’t be any trouble at alll, they would be happy to sit and drink endless free refills til the washing was done. And there’s one whole nice crumpled up old dollar extra for the trouble. Cause we’re parents and we made the choice to create this filthcreature so the whole world owes us in every way possible.. Assholes

  3. Anonymous

    It's people like THAT, that don't deserve to have children especially when there are so many amazing people that ACTUALLY WANT to be parents more than anything and can't. And I don't blame you for not cleaning up the vomit. I can't even handle cleaning up my own kid's let alone someone else's. BTW…nothing selfish about not wanting to have kids. It's a lifestyle choice. To each their own.

  4. Noelle

    I didn't know selfless moment until I became a Mom and now I am constantly looking for the opportunity to be selfish. I schedule events to be spontaneous and selfish. But I take my sick babies home and I don't make others endure their uncharismatic selves. We go out and about and my kids love to eat out particularly when games are involved but they can also sit at a table cloth and allow mom time for a glass of wine, not the preferred bottle (that's scheduled event)I like to enjoy my kids not ignore them if I feel like ignoring them Time To Go. and have a precious selfless moment they deserve it.

  5. Anonymous

    why is it that the parents never even attempt to clean up their kids' puke? I've worked in restaurants, movie theaters, and parks and parents NEVER ask for a pile of napkins and attempt to eradicate the situation even a little. I'm guessing that if your kid pukes in public, they probably puke at home, and YOU are used to cleaning up their vomit-which I consider one of the hazards of bringing a child into the world: having to clean up their bodily fluids- but you seem to think that a server (of any age) should be comfortable cleaning up your kid's vomit. Seriously? As a server, I don't do vomit. I just don't.

  6. Anonymous

    I had a couple with a very sick toddler come in for dinner on a Saturday night. The poor kid was obviously sick, you could see it in the poor baby's eyes and the oough was constant. The child promptly threw up during appetizers and after recieving no help from assbag parents in clean up, I packaged up their dinners to go and brought them to the table. They were stunned but didn't argue after they asked why and I reponded, loudly.."Oh, I being a mom myself naturally assummed since your child was so ill and now vomitting that you would want to take your food with you to get your poor sick baby home. I didn't want you to miss out on your food!" The nice people at the table behind them loudly exclaimed that I was such a thoughtful waitress and was really nice to think ahead…lmao.

  7. Rachel

    Those parents should be locked up for abusing an infant and restaurant staff like that! What self-absorbed asses…some people are like walking arguments for forced sterilizations.

  8. Teresa

    Pei pa koa is pretty decent cough medicine (from herbal as I remembered), great non alcoholic medicine, some western cough medicine are more effective, but this is non drowsy. You can access info online

  9. Renee

    I think you are right the first time . Leave the kid in a krate at home, would have been more considered to the kid an your patrons that had to smell an look at that poor baby. It hurt your tips to .just a simple reminder to people with kids keep them home. The poor kid can’t call it in sick

  10. Tony "Tone" Vega

    I have to say that those fuck faces are the worst parents ever. I have a 28 year old daughter and a 23 year old son. The only places that we took them when they young and got sick, were the doctor’s office, the emergency room and home. That was it!


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