Lady at Table 15 Almost Dies

Yesterday at work, I thought I poisoned someone. For a brief second it seemed as if I was going to have to use my years of watching St. Elsewhere, Grey’s Anatomy and General Hospitalto cull together some type of medical rescue. A woman at table 15 practically went into anaphylactic shock when she tasted a bottle of wine she ordered and found it to be “horrific.” What a fucking drama queen.

She wanted to order a bottle of red but she had a friend at the table who didn’t like red so it was a bit of a challenge. The lady informed me she was a wine representative so apparently she knew every thing there ever was to know about the fermented grape. She was intent upon discovering a bottle of red that her friend could tolerate. Personally, I thought they should order a bottle of red for the three of them and let the one person who wanted white just order it by the glass. But, no. She decided on an organic California Cabernet but she asked if her friend could taste it first to make sure she liked it. Fine. Her friend tasted it and said it was good, but what the hell does she know? It’s been established that she does not like red wine. When I showed up to the table with the bottle, I uncorked it and poured a bit for Miss Wine Rep of America. She swirled it around in her glass and then smelled it about a hundred and fifty times and finally let it flow over her palate. After she swallowed, she made a face like I had accidentally served her the bottle of gasoline that we keep next to the Cabernet. She shook her head back and forth like she was having a seizure, all the while her hair flailing and her lips puckering.

“Wow! Wow! Wow! Whew…uhh, okay. Well… that is a really strong alcohol content. It’s like the alcohol just slapped me in the face.” I envied the wine for getting to slap this bitch in the face.

“I assume that means you don’t like it?” I queried.

“No. It’s okay. I think the bottle just needs to air out a bit. It’s fine.” Judging by her reaction it didn’t seem anywhere close to fine, but she said it was fine, which was fine with me.

“Are you sure?” I double checked.

She swallowed hard and said, ‘It’s not you, it’s the bottle.”

Bitch, I know it’s not me. Did you see my ass stomping grapes in California in 2009? I ain’t got shit to do with this bottle of wine. All I did was carry it from the bar to your table and then opened it. I know it’s not me.

She insisted she would drink it but after five minutes, she called me over and told me that it was impossible to drink because it was so horrific. She offered me a sip to confirm the horrific-ness, but I told her I like vodka. She sent the bottle back and ordered a bottle of what they had already been drinking at the bar as they waited for their table. Good idea, lady. The rest of the bottle that was so awful went back to the bar where our manager tasted it and deemed it perfectly fine and it was then sold by the glass to another table who also seemed to think it was more than adequate. The chef and the manager both agreed that this was the wine rep’s attempt to alert us that our wine selection was poor and she was the one who could fix the problem if only we would buy from one of her labels. Fat chance, wine rep. You pissed off the manager with your theatrics and he vowed to me that he would never consider sampling your wares. You lost that game, honey. However you did win something:

And the award for best overreaction to a taste of wine goes to… Miss Wine Rep of America at table 15! Congratulations! You can take this bottle of 2009 Cabernet and shove it up your pinot noir.

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22 Responses to Lady at Table 15 Almost Dies

  1. Mary A. says:

    If she didn't like the taste of the alcohol, she shoulda ordered a Bonnes Farm. Duh.

  2. Mary A. says:

    I meant BOONEs Farm. Sorry. It's been a while since I was underage.

  3. witchybaiter says:

    "I envied the wine…"Hilarious.

  4. Gallo says:

    You could write a book, seriously, Bitchy. LOVED IT!Of course and I am glad a good red was not spilled away after a "knowledgable" bitch snubbed it.Don't you hate those "so called experts"

  5. SlumSlut says:

    Aaaaand rest. LOL

  6. Lazidaisical says:

    Hahaha! I hate customers. Note: the verification word that Blogger wants me to type is "red ions" (i separated the words myself for effect). How fitting!!!

  7. grahamophone says:

    Wow!! I really enjoyed this post – not only for its emotional and situational content (is that a word? "situational"??), but for your writing. Well done!!

  8. That happened to me. Exact same situation. I think its a trick they all use.

  9. Stephanie says:

    Holy Drama Queen!

  10. Jenny DB says:

    I don't envy your job. It would take all power in my being not to 'accidentally' spill the bottle all over her lap..

  11. She can't be much of a wine expert if her only valid comment was accusing an alcoholic drink of having a high alcohol content. I could have told her that.

  12. ChiTown Girl says:

    Bitchy, I could tell you STORIES about all the lunatics that come into our bar. Some of these assbags think it should be perfectly acceptable to sample a shot of every freakin' bottle behind the bar before they decide what the hell they want! ARGH!

  13. What a way to try and do business? I've heard about unorthodox sales tactics before, but this is on an entirely different level.

  14. The Empress says:

    I can't decide if we should declare her a total twat or just an asshole. Either way, for a wine rep she seems quite limited in her ability to discuss vino, so let's just go with 'stupid, twatty bunghole'.

  15. Vanessa says:

    If you can actually taste the wine, you aren't drinking fast enough. And on that note–one bottle of wine for four people??? AMATEURS!!!

  16. asherwrites says:

    Haha! I liked the part when you said you envied the wine for getting to slap her in the face. Hilarious!

  17. psychochef says:

    maybe she only knows how to spit not swallow !!!!!

  18. Krista Comfort says:

    I would kill for a red wine with a higher alcohol content!

    I used to serve a woman dinner who requested a shot of vodka in each glass of white wine.

  19. Imabartender says:

    Oh, how i hate the wine/beer/liquor reps. Always trying to get yet another sale of crap you will never sell.

  20. Haley says:

    Tell me how I had a couple of fucking trashy hos come in and when asked what they would like to drink, they start bragging about their expensive taste.

    TH#1: “I only drink the finest wines, I’m sure they don’t have what I like.”
    Me: “We have quite an extensive selection actually, what is it and I can check for you.”

    I swear on my miserable life, I even have multiple witnesses- we were all bored and it was slow so we watchdd the, horrific tradgedy that was my table 93- she said,

    TH#1: “I only drink Boone’s Farm.”

    I shit you not. Boone’s. Fucking. Farm. I can honestly say, that with an alcholic family, i never tasted the cheap shit, not even when I was underage, and I drank a lot underage. My family’s favorites are Don Julio and Maker’s Mark if that gives you an idea of how I look at Boone’s Farm. I laughed in her face, told her sorry, we didn’t carry that high of quality, which prompted her equally as trashy friend to ask..

    TH#2: “Well what kind of wine do you have then?!”
    Me: “What kind of wine do you prefer, whites, reds or blushes?”
    TH#2: “Don’t yall just have grape wine?”
    Me: “ALL WINE IS GRAPE WINE!”

    I gave up and walked off… I gave the table to another server after getting tattled on for laughing in her face for their stupid fucking questions and comments. I have honestly have only ever seen one trashier table and that was the pregnant lady that ordered trashcan punch at table 64 a few years back. The bar was set pretty high so thats not very good. Anyways, just thought I’d share.

    • stillme says:

      my apologies for the awful punctuation and misspellings in some spots as well as the weird set up, definitely not used to trying to write out conversations with people.

  21. Belle says:

    “I think the bottle just needs to air out a bit.” Like a pair of her smelly underpants? She cannot even possibly be a rep with that little gem of wisdom. Oh perhaps you mean let’s “decant the wine” or let it “breathe”? Right now my brain wants to explode. I’m a Sommelier, I would have loved to have had a convo with her and put her in her fricken dumbass place…make her feel like the idiot she is. In her defense, anyone can be a rep…they pay shit…

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