Today is daylight savings time so we all lost an hour last night which is why your ass is so sleepy right now. I was happily watching television last night at 12:30 when I realized it was time to push the clocks forward. Suddenly it was time to go to bed. Sure, it’ll be nice to see sunlight later tonight, but it was a lot easier on November 7th when I gained an hour. Why I remember it like it was four months ago. I looked at the clock and saw it was 1:00 AM. My glass of margarita was empty and I wiped a tear from my bloodshot eye. But then I moved the clock back an hour and it was deemed necessary to have another cocktail. Joy! I really don’t get the whole Daylight Savings Time thing. I know Arizona and Hawaii don’t even bother with the shit. I think the whole concept started because of needing more light to harvest the crops and that it was better to have more light in the autumnal mornings so children could be seen on their way to school. But, hello? I don’t harvest crops. And put some fucking reflective glow tape on your kid when they have to walk to schoolin the dark. Leave the clocks alone.
Every year, there is some one at work who uses the old “I forgot to change my clock routine” and that pisses me off. And by the way, that excuse only works in the spring. I once worked with this dumb ass bitch who showed up an hour late to work when we set the clocks back. She breezed in an hour late and was all, “Oh my God, am I late?? (exasperated intake of breath) Oh shit! I forgot to change the clocks, I am so so so sorry!” Yeah, bitch, nice try. If you really forgot to move your clock back, then you would be early, not an hour late. Thank you for playing, please try again. Or maybe it’s the fall when that excuse works. I really have trouble understanding it. It reminds me of algebra and geometry class with Mrs. Krebs. She would explain it to me but it would just go in one ear and out my asshole. My brain just can’t wrap itself around certain concepts like math, time, physics, employment, Republicans and empty vodka bottles.
So go change your clocks. Spring forward, bitchs, don’t fall back. And that’s another thing. Wouldn’t it be just as easy to say “fall forward and spring back?” How the hell are we supposed to keep track of time? Who the hell are we? Doc Brown from Back to the Future? Enjoy your day, sleepy heads.