I Want to Poke Moe in the Eyes With a Fork

I am blogging a fine line when talking about my new job, but I just can’t not do it. It’s in my blood. It’s in my veins and my heart and the tiny little capillaries in my eyes that are especially noticeable today from too much drinking. I work with someone I shall refer to as Moe. Not because his name is Moe or because he has an unfortunate haircut, but because I want to poke him in the eyes with my fingers and then hold his nose with my left hand and swing my right arm around and slap my hand from his face. He makes me that crazy. All day, he constantly follows me and makes sure I am doing everything right. He gets all up in my station and deals with my tables which I do not like at all. I also think it’s confusing for a customer when they have more than one waiter helping them. I had a table last night that had an empty glass of water on it because the man had told me he didn’t want any more water. But Moe sees it and thinks I am being a lazy insolent waiter and grabs the pitcher and runs over to fill the glass. I saw him go up to one of my tables and recite the dessert specials even though I had already done it and was seconds away from bringing them their cake. He’ll tell me that a table needs more bread as I am already walking to the bread station to get it. It’s freaking annoying, but what can I do? I’m the new guy and he has been there for about four score and seven years. Maybe he is just making sure I am doing as fine a job as he is, but from what I have seen, I wouldn’t want him as my server. I have yet to see him smile and he starts telling the specials as people are taking off their coats. Dude, slow the hell down. I know our goal is to “turn ’em and burn ’em” but let the folks at least sit down a second. I have also noticed that as soon as they put the last bite of entree in their mouth, he spews out dessert specials. Slow the fuck down.

One night Moe had picked up the check from one of my tables to run the credit card because he thought he was helping me and I guess I was moving way too slow. He handed me their check and told me they had paid half in cash and half on the card. I took it to the table and said good night to them. They left no tip that I saw, so I assumed that they had already given it to Moe with the cash. Since we pool, I didn’t worry about it. A few minutes later he came up to me. “Did they leave a tip??” “No,” I said. “They didn’t already give it to you when they gave you the cash?” Moe got all upset and was like, “No! They paid $46 on the card and paid the other $46 in cash. They gave me sixty dollars so I gave them back fourteen in change. Did you ask them if there was a problem with the service?” Well, no asshole, I didn’t because I didn’t know they were stiffing us since you were all up in my business. I know what happened though. They were three women chatting and they just weren’t paying attention. I heard one of them say “we already took care of it” so maybe they thought the way they divided it up had included the tip. It didn’t, but since I didn’t know what was going on, I never questioned it. Moe was all pissy but what the fuck was I supposed to do? Had he just let me deal with MY table from beginning to end, it could have been avoided. And now he probably thinks I gave them shitty service or I pocketed the tip or I am clueless when really, it’s his fault.

So, Moe. Keep your stubby hands off my tables. I’ve been waiting tables since The Flintstones so I have plenty of experience. You know that part in the opening credits of The Flintstones when the waitress brings out the huge rack of ribs and it flips the car? That waitress is me. In drag. And I was a cartoon. Yes, I have been waiting tables since dinosaur days. If Moe doesn’t back off, this Curly is gonna get all up in his face and Shemp his Larry ass.

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17 thoughts on “I Want to Poke Moe in the Eyes With a Fork

  1. chocolateangel

    Ohhh how I despise those kind of co-workers! Luckily, they have been few and far between for me. Which is probably a good thing.There is a fine line between teamwork and over-doing it. Yes, you want to assist each other when needed BUT it's fine to leave 'em be when everything is under control. Sounds like 'Moe' hasn't learned that, and he's obviously causing problems.Do you think talking to a manager would help, to get this guy to back off?

  2. Gabriele Agustini

    As a customer, I really dislike it when I have more than one server. It makes me uncomfortable, like I'm being watched every second. I hate being watched while I'm eating anyway.Don't get me wrong, I really appreciate good service, but not overkill.Good luck with Mo!

  3. Malachi the Cocktail Slinger

    Oh Bitchy, this post just took the cake! =) Loved it! I have some people at work who are so stuck up your ass or your table's ass the wrong way and think that you're doing something wrong for not climbing in next to them! I worked with someone like that, but it was a her. I simply told her that she repeated herself to me about some menial aspect of my job I had already done SO FUCKING OFTEN that I felt like a toddler who couldn't be trusted on his own for more than 2 minutes. I don't care who you are, I don't deserve that shit.Yeah, she hated me forever for the call-out but she seemed to leave me alone….

  4. Practical Parsimony

    I don't want anyone, anywhere, anytime second guessing and/or guiding me when I am doing a job I have done forever. Now, is he supposed to watch you? Go to the manager and ask if he is supposed to be following you to make sure you are doing your job? Act all puzzled. Then, tell the manager a few of the things he has done. As a customer, I would really hate having two people hovering. This guy may do this all the time to the new person. Maybe he is trying to ingratiate himself to you. Maybe he really likes you..wink. Next time you see him, just ask him if you are doing anything wrong. When he says no, then ask him to give you breathing room to do your job. Put your hand up like "stop" and say, "Whatever it is, I have it covered."Spill something on him since he is always breathing down your neck and swear he stands too close…lol. The next time he approaches, look bored and say, "WHAT?" Then, keep walking!When does he have time to take care of his tables?

  5. Splitty Booms

    Sounds like the kind of person you have to tell "Look, I got this." That way, if he really doesn't mean any harm and is just trying to be helpful, you won't come off like a jerk. And if he IS trying to whatever else, then he'll know to back off. When he sees that you're already an ace waiter, he'll have nothing else to say/do but chill out.Great blog, man!

  6. Anonymous

    yea people that have worked in places for ages always feel like they know best and don't like others coming in doing it better then them!! I feel your pain!

  7. SharleneT

    If it's not his job to oversee you, then tell him to get away and do HIS job. Why is it you can't get away from these people? Had one in an office who would see you going to the door with the mail in hand and say, "Don't forget to mail those letters," nice and loud. Next thing you knew, you'd find out later in the day that they're telling people they had to tell you to mail the letters! I don't trust people, anymore. I don't think they weren't thinking or it was subconscious. They know what they're doing and they know how to appear innocent when you call them on it. Find out if it's his job, first. If it isn't, start following him around and doing it back. You were hired because they needed you. Maybe because he isn't up to par…?Come visit when you can…

  8. sally

    I had a manager like this once. Eventually what happened is a customer kind of embarassed him by pointing out that I was doing just fine, they were regulars, they loved me, yadda yadda. So maybe you could get someone you know to come in and overtly let on that Moe is annoying them. Have them do it in front of another co-worker, or better yet, a manager, so that Moe is embarassed. It might work!

  9. HT

    Oh God, I had someone like that when I worked at KFC/Taco Bell. I call her Cranky McBitchypants and she was the subject of many a blog entry. She would always challenge the way I entered things into the cash register, and if she didn't like my answer, she would call up another of our stores to try and get someone to back up her way of doing it (then she'd have to apologize because I was right.)I was told years after I left that she ended up in the local asylum.

  10. Anonymous

    So walk over to one of Moe's tables and say very loudly so Moe can hear you, "I wish I were YOUR waiter. Moe keeps sharing all of your conversations with the rest of us. You are such a fun bunch!" or "Let me know if Moe isn't meeting your needs. He's having a rough day. I'll look after you." Then say privately to Moe, "Just so you know: Every time you tend to one of my tables, I'm going to do the same to one of yours."


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