Put a Spork In It

You know I love it when I can put a customer in his place. Like when they are arguing that the menu says one thing when I know good and well that it says something else. Nothing is more fun than letting some douche hat paint himself into a corner and then smacking him upside the head with a cold dose of reality when I tell him what he is saying is wrong. How fun is it when someone complains that their sandwich has onions on it and “it should say that on the menu” and then we get to point to the menu that says “served with onions.” The customer always makes that face that always make laugh. Do this and you will know what I mean. (No, seriously, do it.) Scowl your eyebrows, flare your nostrils, purse your lips and inhale through your nose all at the same time. Did you do it? It’s the look that says, “Oh my God, I am so embarrassed and I need to shut the fuck up.” Someone sent me a little story recently (holla, Chris C.) and it made me happy. Read this:

(At a Red Lobster In Macon, Georgia) A few months ago at work I had a grown man ask me for “plastic culinary” and when I stared at him with a puzzled look on my face he laughed (a deep pretentious laugh), looked around at the ladies sitting at the table, smiled like an asshole and said, “You know, a plastic knife, spoon, and fork? Culinary. I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have expected you to know that.” I just smiled and said, “I believe the word you’re trying to embarrass me with is ‘cutlery’ – ‘culinary’ is used in relation to cooking or a kitchen and not the utensils.”

Oh, how I wish I could have been there when that man did “the look” because you know he did it in an extra hard way. He was all trying to be impressive with his use of an SAT word that had four syllables in it and ended up looking like a Taco Supreme Ass Hole. Like he thinks that the waiter couldn’t possibly know what “culinary” or “cutlery” is. And why the hell did he want plastic fucking utensils anyway? He’s at Red fucking Lobster. Isn’t the all-you-can-eat shrimp plastic enough? Is he one of those assholes who always ask for a cup of hot water so he can wash his silverware in it before it enters his precious germ-free pie hole? I can just see the guy now, in his JC Penney tie on his lunch break from his cubicle where he answers the phone for Georgia Power and Electric. Or maybe he was the boss and he took his secretary and assistant out to lunch for Appreciation Day at the Red Lobster because the TGIFriday’s was too crowded. I hope he eventually got his plastic cutlery and as he tried to break into that lobster tail with his plastic knife, I hope it snapped in two and sent melted butter all over his pleated Dockers leaving a stain right at the crotch so it looked like he went to the bathroom and did a little dribble.

People like that piss me off. I’d like to tell him where he can put that plastic utensil. Hey buddy, spork off.

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19 thoughts on “Put a Spork In It

  1. dohhead

    Hilarious, damn it's fun to belittle smartass wannabee's. Especially when they're trying to impress ladies. Awesome post, love the acidic tones to your pen, Bitchy. Have a good one!

  2. Practical Parsimony

    If a food waiter is ignorant, you know how ignorant a cocktail waitress is thought to be. Of course, I heard conversations and translated phrases on t-shirts from German, Latin, and Greek. I answered burning question about physics and electical engineering. The response was some variation of "How on earth did YOU know that?" "I am a waitress, not stupid."Or, "What are you doing working here with that kind of knowledge/smarts/education?" "Desperation!" It was a humiliating kind of life, filled with snarkiness and condescension. Oh, yeah, I helped solve other burning questions and points of contention–how to spell or pronounce something.

  3. Rach

    That "look" is like the most satisfying feeling in the world. I once worked at a coffee shop and some guys have the tendency to think that black coffee is sweet and tastes like cola.. but when they drink it.. their facial expressions can win an Oscar.. 😛Bitchzilla on The loose.

  4. Marie

    I don't understand people who are suspicious of silverware at a restaurant. In almost every case, this stuff has been run though an industrial-grade dishwasher at a ridiculously high temperature with heavy-duty dish soap, and then sanitized. Yeah, sometimes crap gets stuck to the fork, but that crap is probably cleaner than whatever comes out of your dishwasher at home. Get over your snooty little selves!

  5. Becoming Mommy

    that's right up there with the time I had a customer who thought "Kosher" was a livestock animal used to make faux versions of other meats. I suppose this oh-so-cultured couple thought there were also roving herds of wild Nauga roaming the prairie (you know…where naugahyde comes from).*groan*

  6. LadyRapunzel

    I love, love, love making people look like assholes in these situations. I do it to the parents of my music students quite often. It's always the ones who played clarinet for a few years in high school band and therefore know everything there is to know about music and music education. People suck.

  7. Cori

    Dear Marie:I am sure a good deal are snooty, but not everyone who is suspicious is doing it to be rude, and some of the people who are suspicious are embarrassed about it (and realize how it looks). Maybe someone that day is facing their fear of dining out in a public place, and can't handle being in a public eating place and using public silverware at that moment. If someone looks like their about to have a panic attack when they whip out the hand sanitizer and start wiping down their utensils, please don't be offended (it's them, not you)! However, if they act terrible to you or are snooty, never mind! 🙂


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