Bitchy Waiter New Year’s Resolutions

Father Time dragged his sorry ass outta here four days ago already and I have yet to come up with my resolutions for 2011. Meanwhile, Baby New Year needs to stop crying for Cheerios and shut the hell up. So far I can actually say that I have spent fifty percent of 2011 being hungover. Nice. Real nice. Before I make up some shit to resolve for the new year, maybe I should look at last year’s resolutions and see if I stuck to any of them.

pause, as I look them over…

Okay, so a few of them stuck. I did not spit in the food of anyone and to be honest I have only done that once and it was well deserved and about a hundred years ago. Remind me to tell you that story, okay? I also did not use the “C word” all year even though it was very difficult. Marlene will be proud. I will resolve a few things for 2011 and see how it goes. I have a history of breaking resolutions going all the way back to 1983 when I promised myself to not masturbate anymore and then on January 2nd, my diary said “already broke that one resolution.” Anyhoo…

  1. If I get hired at a new job and decide to blog about them, I will be more careful about what is written. I do not need any more Penelope “C word” bitches up in my life.
  2. In 2011 I hope to have more initiative to, you know, work. I will not try to give my shifts away to other people and try not to say “no” when people ask me to work for them. (This may be broken by Thursday.)
  3. I resolve to have more patience when people can’t decide what they want to order. Like if they need to take twenty fucking minutes to figure out if they want a Coke or Sprite, I will not let steam come out of my ears in utter frustration. I will simply say, “take your time” and let them agonize over that stupid fucking decision all they want.
  4. I will try not to be such a fucking social media whore who is always plastering this website on any blog, forum or comment section that I can log on to. I will let go, let God.
  5. I will learn French.
  6. This year, when anonymous people leave hateful anonymous comments, I will understand that they are just a small-minded and possibly small-penised losers who have no other way to express themselves. I will not get upset and go all ape shit on them and write a whole post about them and what a miserable human being they appear to be. (This may be be broken by Thursday.)
  7. I will iron my uniform before every shift unless it still looks pretty good from the last time it was ironed and/or I am in too big a hurry to care that my shirt is wrinkled a bit because who is going to notice once I light the candles and turn the lights down extra low?
  8. From now on, if I see slime in the ice machine, I will not use that ice for beverages. (Note: I mean this only if said beverages are for me. If they are for someone else, I may or may not use the slimy ice. Mood dependent.)
  9. I will try to use speelcheck more often.
  10. Again, I promise to appreciate everyone who takes three or four minutes out of their day to read the words that I vomit out on this blog. The emails and comments I get from readers make me want to continue writing. I sincerely mean that. Happy New Year. And thank you.

Love,
The Bitchy Waiter

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23 thoughts on “Bitchy Waiter New Year’s Resolutions

  1. Noelle

    Good effort. I didn't make any resolutions therefore I can't break any. Good luck with that patients with guests who don't know what they want resolution because you know, they are gonna finally figure it out while your at another table. Interrupt and wave you over. "I'm ready to order now" like they'll forget before you get over there. Inside your head shoots to the moon. Outside your smiling face says "I will be right with you."Plot out a 4 block walk to return and take their order of a water and a beer. Maybe not, happens around here all the time.

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  2. Mary A.

    Awesome goals! Can WE use the C word? Beacuse I am too chickenshit to use it on my own blog, I thought I could use it here. (www.giftoffat.com — read it today! I didn't resolve not to be a hooor.)

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  3. Wendy

    I *would* resolve to comment on every one of Bitchy's posts, but there is NO FUCKIN WAY that shit is gonna happen!I don't even talk that much in real life.But i DO *read* every one of Bitchy's posts, so that's something!Keep 'em coming Bitchy!!!=-)

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  4. The Empress

    Your 2011 resolutions are incredibly entertaining. However, I would fail miserably on the being patient with others, not going kung-fu on the asses of those f*ckwits who comment anonymously, as well as the whole blog whoring thing. Thanks for being a regular source of laughter in my day!http://rantersbox.blogspot.com/

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  5. Donda

    You should resolve to tell me if you ever relocate to KY so I can get you hungover. Yes, I am naive…I even had no clue you were a media whore.

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  6. Haruka

    Slimy ice machines remind me of working at KFC (not to mention mold on the pop spouts.) Keep writing, Bitchy, your blog is fun to read. 🙂

    Reply
  7. Karen S.

    I may not always comment, but let me assure you that you never fail in making me feel better about my own serving, and usually I'm laughing so hard after reading your posts I can't keep from crying!…I laugh so hard…you have a strong lovable humor that really hits the spot for anyone in our line of work…so glad we can love the job and leave for home and live a fairly normal life!

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  8. Anonymous

    "I vow to use speelcheck more often"…..hilarious ^-^ Love ya Bitchy.And I don't use the slimy ice machines either, but I at least tip of my co-workers to it so we don't get sick.

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  9. Selina

    I may need to copy your resolution #2. I'm fortunate enough to be able to pay my bills only working about 25hrs a week … (Granted, I'm not able to do a whole lot more than that,) … but if I found the strength to actually pick up a shift once in a while I'd be much more comfortable. I just don't know if I would be able to resist stabbing myself in the eye with a fork from the extra hours. Thank you for blogging. I've literally laughed out loud reading some of your posts. Good luck in 2011.

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  10. Margaret

    Ah yes…From the late, great Marvin Zindler, "and there was SLIME in the ice machines!"My resolution is not to buy any black shoes this year. Not sure how long this'll last, though. 😀

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  11. Joey B

    I resolve not to get busted for some small stupid shit by cocksucker mgr or cowhork..Also get healthy again and stop having anxiety attack and throw up in the bathroom after every meal .Also -eat everyday not every 3-one .

    Reply

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