Father Time dragged his sorry ass outta here four days ago already and I have yet to come up with my resolutions for 2011. Meanwhile, Baby New Year needs to stop crying for Cheerios and shut the hell up. So far I can actually say that I have spent fifty percent of 2011 being hungover. Nice. Real nice. Before I make up some shit to resolve for the new year, maybe I should look at last year’s resolutions and see if I stuck to any of them.
pause, as I look them over…
Okay, so a few of them stuck. I did not spit in the food of anyone and to be honest I have only done that once and it was well deserved and about a hundred years ago. Remind me to tell you that story, okay? I also did not use the “C word” all year even though it was very difficult. Marlene will be proud. I will resolve a few things for 2011 and see how it goes. I have a history of breaking resolutions going all the way back to 1983 when I promised myself to not masturbate anymore and then on January 2nd, my diary said “already broke that one resolution.” Anyhoo…
- If I get hired at a new job and decide to blog about them, I will be more careful about what is written. I do not need any more Penelope “C word” bitches up in my life.
- In 2011 I hope to have more initiative to, you know, work. I will not try to give my shifts away to other people and try not to say “no” when people ask me to work for them. (This may be broken by Thursday.)
- I resolve to have more patience when people can’t decide what they want to order. Like if they need to take twenty fucking minutes to figure out if they want a Coke or Sprite, I will not let steam come out of my ears in utter frustration. I will simply say, “take your time” and let them agonize over that stupid fucking decision all they want.
- I will try not to be such a fucking social media whore who is always plastering this website on any blog, forum or comment section that I can log on to. I will let go, let God.
- I will learn French.
- This year, when anonymous people leave hateful anonymous comments, I will understand that they are just a small-minded and possibly small-penised losers who have no other way to express themselves. I will not get upset and go all ape shit on them and write a whole post about them and what a miserable human being they appear to be. (This may be be broken by Thursday.)
- I will iron my uniform before every shift unless it still looks pretty good from the last time it was ironed and/or I am in too big a hurry to care that my shirt is wrinkled a bit because who is going to notice once I light the candles and turn the lights down extra low?
- From now on, if I see slime in the ice machine, I will not use that ice for beverages. (Note: I mean this only if said beverages are for me. If they are for someone else, I may or may not use the slimy ice. Mood dependent.)
- I will try to use speelcheck more often.
- Again, I promise to appreciate everyone who takes three or four minutes out of their day to read the words that I vomit out on this blog. The emails and comments I get from readers make me want to continue writing. I sincerely mean that. Happy New Year. And thank you.
The Bitchy Waiter
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