Barney Ruined Everything

As luck will have it, I was not needed at the new job yesterday, so I was able to pick up a better gig. I put out some feelers and found a job where I could be one of two servers in the home of someone who was hosting Thanksgiving for 22 guests. Basically, they wanted to have a big ass dinner but didn’t want to have to clean that shit up. Enter The Bitchy Waiter, along with some other server who I had never met. The two of us were there to warm up the gravy, make a second batch of dressing, prepare the coffee and wash a hundred and fifty jillion dishes. It’s a good gig when you can get it. Way better than being in a restaurant for ten hours and churnin’ and burnin’ tables like a fiend.

The people who hire help for special occasions are a rare breed. Most of them would never consider themselves rich, but just by living in a three bedroom, two bathroom co-op on the Upper West Side means they have plenty of money. The majority that I have worked for under these circumstances have been very very friendly. Yesterday, the family was completely nice and made it extremely comfortable for me to be in their home serving them. I wondered if their usual “girl” was off for Thanksgiving which is why they hired me. I was at the sink washing some dishes with this ratty ass sponge so I looked under the sink to find a new clean one. It was a mess underneath that sink and I couldn’t find one so I asked my employer. She came over to the sink and said, “Hmmm, there must be another one under here somewhere.” She proceeded to dig around and she finally produced a sponge that was not much better than the one I was using. It was then that I thought she is completely unfamiliar with her kitchen. Later on when it came time for me to clean the stove, I asked her what she wanted me to use on it. You know, 409, soap and water, Windex? She had no answer for me. Stumped, she giggled and said, “I dunno what she uses.I guess anything under the sink is fine.” Ah ha! So she does have regularly hired help. Since she said she anything was fine if it was under the sink, I used Pledge furniture polish. Kidding. I used Fantastick, just like I do on my own stove, which is the same model as hers but mine is the newer one. My stainless steel fridge with the freezer at the bottom and double doors is also much nicer than hers. Score one for the waiter.

Another time, I helped serve for a three year old’s birthday party. Same kinda deal; a big expensive apartment on the Upper East Side. I showed up and the maid was there and it was my job to assist her in any way she needed. The lady of the house was in a panic because this birthday party needed to be the bestest most amazingest three year old birthday party ever. She had bought this huge cake with Barney on it, but they had colored his stomach yellow instead of the normal green color. She was livid, because everyone knows that dinosaurs are purple and green not purple and yellow, right? The party was going to be ruined! So she had her husband remove all the yellow sprinkles from Barney’s stomach and then replace them with green ones. The only problem was that she didn’t have a jar of green sprinkles. She had multi-color sprinkles. So she had her husband go through and separate all the green sprinkles from the jar and start to redecorate the Barney stomach. The husband thought it was ridiculous. So did I. And so did the maid. After about twenty minutes, he finally put his foot down and told his wife, “It’s a cake. For three year olds. They’ll get over it.” Meanwhile, the maid and I cut the fruit, set the table, cooked the apps, cleaned the kitchen, made the finger sandwiches and decorated the room. The wife got dressed. When the first guest arrived, the apartment looked perfect. “Oh my God, this looks great! I don’t know how you manage to find the time. How do you do it?” The woman put her hands out with the palms up and shrugged her shoulders while tilting her head and grinning. (Do that: hands out, palms up, shrug shoulders, tilt head, grin. Got it?) The lady’s answer? “I dunno. I just make a plan and follow through.” At this, she tossed her hair and laughed. The maid and I looked at each other and rolled our eyes. The party was a huge success. And no one gave a shit about the color of Barney’s stomach. Yep, those folks who can hire help are an interesting group.

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