I have discussed how lemons are filthy disgusting germy fruits and also that ketchup bottles make me wanna throw up when I have to use one at a restaurant, but let us talk about another source of bacteria that restaurants and bars seem to turn a bind eye to: those little bowls of pretzels or nuts that sit on a bar top. Who the hell eats that shit? We all know they’re there in order to make the customer get thirsty and order another drink, right? It’s pretty smart actually. Buy a huge barrel of cheap ass pretzels from Costco for five bucks and then serve them over the course of one night. Joe Blow sits at the bar and wolfs ’em down and in the process buys two more beers that cost six bucks each. I read somewhere that those little bowls of peanuts have more fecal matter in them than an actual toilet. How is that even possible? You may as well just scoop up a pile of dog shit off the sidewalk, pour it into a bowl and call it Goldfish. Think about it. I see men all the time who leave the bathroom without washing their hands and then they’re gonna to go to the bar and reach into that bowl of snacks and spread their nasty ass, pee-ridden, feces-covered, germy ass hands all over them. And who the hell doesn’t wash their hands after they use the bathroom? They use the excuse that “my penis is cleaner than anything in that bathroom, so why bother?” Uh, because I don’t want to eat a peanut that just touched your hand that just touched your dick, that’s why. (Side note: I saw a very famous Tony Award winning actor once leave the bathroom without even glancing at the soap. Nasty. And then they probably went right up to the bar and grabbed a handful of free popcorn that was sitting in a bowl.)
A few days ago, I had a small glass of Goldfish at the bar to snack on. It was sitting there on the bar just minding its own business. After the show, I saw a woman from the audience go to the glass of my Goldfish and reach in and grab a handful. “Oh, a snack,” she said as she swirled her possibly tampon-touching fingers around my glass of Goldfish. Excuse me? Why would anyone just meander up to some random food and start eating it? What if they were there because I had just swept them off the floor? Or what if I had sprinkled cyanide all over them just to teach someone like her a lesson? (Side note to self: buy cyanide.) I watched her eat a few and then when I was sure she had had her fill, I picked them up and threw them into the trash.
So, should we eat those complimentary snacks at the bar? No, we shouldn’t. They are little bowls of contamination that can make us sick. They are disgusting and gross and no one in their right mind should be eating food that can be and is touched by multitudes of people with dirty hands. Will we eat those complimentary snacks at the bar? Absolutely. There is nothing I like better with a beer than a nice salty crunchy bite of bacteria ridden pretzel. Bon appetit!
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