Okay, so I am sick. Sick with sore throat and fever and all that shit. I also have company spending the night with me. And I have to drag my ass to work today. Therefore, please enjoy reading this old tired piece of shit that I wrote a few months ago.
Here is a brief list of all things I wanted to say to Table 32 a few days ago:
- Do you really need to be reseated that many times in order to find the perfect seat?
- It’s tacky to tip the host and then still complain about where you’re sat.
- The drink has Blue Curacao in it, so yes it is actually going to be blue.
- The Real Housewives of New Jersey asked me to tell you to give them their accent back.
- That blouse looks like it came from the $5 and under bin at Chico’s.
- Black is not slimming.
- You have on way too many sequins. The only person wearing that many sequins should be on an episode of “Toddlers and Tiaras” or be named Liza Minnelli.
- You don’t need to call me over to hand me an empty glass. I will get it when I have a free hand.
- I see that your reservation was for two but you are alone now. You don’t have to tell me that you decided to take yourself out tonight. It’s obvious that your husband bailed on you and is at home relishing the two hours of solitude and trying to recall what it’s like to not have his ears bleed from the sound of your voice.
- Your hair is scaring me. And scarring me. For life. Frosted is not pretty.
- You don’t need to call me over to hand me another empty glass. I will get it when I have a free hand.
- Do you really need more napkins or are you just trying to think of something to ask for every time I walk by you?
- Seriously bitch, stop calling me over to take empty shit from your fucking table.
- Using the phrase “it’s a delight” does not make you sophisticated. It makes me think you heard it on that episode of “The Three Stooges” when they were plumbers at that fancy party and that one snobby rich lady said it.
- Using the phrase “it’s a delight” more than six or seven times makes me think you are supremely dumb and a trifle desperate.
- Yes, I can get you an order of hummus and chips.
- Yes, I can get you more chips.
- I see you waving me down again. Let me guess. Your plate is empty and you want me to take it. Stop it.
- The people next to you are sick of hearing you talk. They don’t know you and don’t want to be your friend.
- Yes, I will get your check for you. You don’t have to ask me for that. It’s on my list of things to give to you along with a dirty look and a fist up your puss.
- Yes, we take American Express. Your American Express card does not impress me. It’s a green one.
- You looked stupid when you took a picture of the performer after her show and told her she was “a delight.” Enough with that phrase already.
- I hate you. You annoy me. Don’t come back.
Things I actually said to Table 32 a few days ago:
- Can I take your order?
- Yes, ma’am.
- Good bye.
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Sickitten
Caught your comment on NYDN about the queeny borderline flight attendant & that 3 Stooges comment on here had me rolling all day. It reminded me of this girl in college who pretended she came from lots of money when in reality she was from a ghetto & named a kitten she adopted "thurston". Yes, a/Gilligan's Island. I'm gonna link to you & feature you on my site.This girl passed out drunk one time & we dropped her off at the mansion she said she was from in Brookville & the white people who came to the door had no idea who the hell she was. Good times.
Sharlene T.
So true… and can be for so many other professions… where do these people come from?… weren't they once sitting in your Home Room, just another kid? I marvel at how people turn out… Great post… Have a hot toddy and get better…
Just Plain Tired
And I'd imagine saying goodbye was heartfelt and too long in the coming. 😉
Levonne
I hope you feel better soon! You deserve good health!
Nicole
HAHA Oh my goodness…I loved this post. It was freaking hilarious! I've never worked in the restaurant business but I can only imagine what is going through the minds of the waiters and waitresses working in these establishments. Hence why I try not to be a rude or demanding customer. Your blog is great by the way!
Mary A.
Love this post. Loved the first time, love it now. I'm secretly worried that this will be me in 20 years.
Gabriele Agustini
Too damn funny!! Love it!!By the way, I gave some of your necklaces as gifts and they were a huuuuge hit!!I'll be checkin Etsy for more.Hope you feel better soon!!gabriele
female, I shit you not!
Just what i need in my life.Laughter!THX
Bouncin' Barb
Love it. You have to write this blog just for therapy sake. This business is tough and unfortunately more Table 32's are going to continue coming to your station. I couldn't take it anymore so I got out of the biz. Hope you feel better soon.
ChiTown Girl
Reading this was like a fun little roller coaster ride. The first line or two made me grin. Then a big smile spread across my face, followed by a snicker. The giggling came soon after. As I kept following those beautiful bullet points down the page, I could no longer hold back the laughter. Then…THEN….Whoosh!!! I get to #20, and now, thanks to you, my laptop is literally covered in coffee!!!! I'm going to have to go back and read the last few again, because I was laughing and spitting so hard, I don't think I really comprehended them. But, first I have to wipe down my computer. You are one hilarious bitch!I hope you're feeling better soon. But, in the meantime, feel free to recycle whatever "old tired piece of shit" that strikes your fancy. 🙂