What Would You Like to Drink?

You know I work in a music venue where everyone is required to have two drinks while there for the performance, right? And most people understand that and are fine with it. If it was me, I would have to ask what the maximum is because two cocktails is sorta like an appetizer for me with my entree being three more cocktails and dessert one fancy liqueur. But I don’t have a problem or anything. Really, I don’t.

I went to a woman the other day before the show started and asked my customary question: what can I get for you to drink? Now when I say drink, I am referring to the intake of liquid. Any liquid, be it water, juice, soda, beer or liquor. She crossed her arms, tilted her head down and then looked up at me over her glasses. (Do that motion, so you can really imagine what she looked like.) And then she snorted, “I don’t drink.” She said it all Judge Judy-like and condescending. What she meant was that she does not drink alcohol but what she said was that she doesn’t drink. Period. Like this poor woman must be so fucking dehydrated from not drinking anything that her insides must be a big pile of dust.

“Well, we have a two-drink minimum, so would you like for me to just put the minimum charge on your check?” Yes, I could have clarified that she could order water, but since she was being all high and mighty about it, I pretended to not understand. “Well, it hardly seems fair that just because I don’t drink alcohol I should be penalized for that,” she retorted. “Oh! You mean you don’t drink alcohol. I misunderstood. You said you don’t drink. Period. We also have bottled water and juices if you do drink other things.” She ordered two hot teas.

Why do so many people assume that when I go to their table to ask if they want something to drink, they assume I am pushing liquor on them? I am not trying to pull you over to the evil side of imbibing cocktails. I just want to make sure that your body is hydrated so you can remain healthy and happy. I care. Drink. It’s good for you.

drink: n.
A liquid that is fit for drinking; a beverage.
2. An amount of liquid swallowed: took a long drink from the fountain.
3. An alcoholic beverage, such as a cocktail or highball.
4. Excessive or habitual indulgence in alcoholic liquor.

You see? It can mean a variety of things. It’s also a verb.

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10 thoughts on “What Would You Like to Drink?

  1. Mary A.

    That's like a man going into a titty bar and refusing a lap dance because he won't cheat on his wife.Or going to Baker's Square & being pissed that everything has carbs.I can see getting offended if you are at a kid's birthday party & someone offers a drink. or an AA meeting. But going into a club? I don't drink either. And my waiter is supposed to know that because. . . . ?

  2. Gabriele Agustini

    Tonic water and lime is great for a non-drinker like myself.The way you described her – maybe she is an alcoholic and wanted to make a point to the people she was with – she 'doesn't' drink. She sounded very defensive. Especially with the crossing of the arms.You handled her in your usual, calm and friendly way. 😉 That's why we love you!!Speaking of 'love', I love your necklaces I bought through Etsy and I can't wait for more!I was going to give them to the teenagers in the family, but they're so cool, I'm keeping all four!!

  3. SkippyMom

    This was my number one pet peeve when I was waitressing. "I don't drink" – I finally got to the point that I would look incredulous and remark "Really not even water? That's rough." Why people assumed I was only serving alcohol is beyond me, especially at lunch.Or even worse when you ask the question they respond "Nothing to drink, just a pepsi." Brought your own IV line with ya' didja? Jeesh.

  4. Karen

    I would like to add three other assholes to the “what would you like to drink” category. #1. The “I haven’t read the menu yet, so I don’t know what I want” type asshole, who always figures out what they want to pour down their cock holster the minute I am waiting on someone else, and is at risk of dehydrating immediately or, #2, ” hot tea, with my meal”. Not only will you not get it with your meal, you will be lucky to get it by dessert. And, last but not least, the “water is fine” type dickbag. No, water is dense, hair is fine, and I am tempted to combine the two.

  5. Timea

    That was hilarious 😄 people can be so funny without even realizing it.
    I had a similar customer the other day, for the question “what would you like to drink” she gave me the answer “nothing I’m driving”
    I had no more questions at this point 😂


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