I had an awkward moment the other night and I’m not talking about the usual awkward moment I have when I put on my apron and think “what the hell am I doing with my life?” It was a different awkward moment.
I went to eat at a restaurant that is owned by my former employer. I have written about him before and kinda raked him over the coals a little bit when he closed the place I worked and dumped us all with no warning. I won’t say what restaurant I used to work at because that would be totes unprofessional. But I went to his other place to eat because I like the food and sometimes I know someone there who will give me some free shit. As soon as we walked in, we noticed that Reichen Lehmkuhl was having dinner there. Does anyone know who he is? He won the reality show The Amazing Race a few years ago and has parlayed that success into some quasi-level of celebrity. He’s a total fame whore and will do anything for attention if he thinks it will make him a little bit more known. (In other words, exactly like me…) He was doing a play here in New York City recently and I wrote a review about it because it’s one of my many fucking jobs that I have. He was pretty bad in it and I gave the show a pretty shitty review. So there I was a just a few feet away from this man whom I had said was a bad actor but looked really good in his underwear (not unlike me.) He didn’t know who I was and there was no chance he would realize that I was one of the people who had reviewed him so poorly, but it was weird.
The hostess took us to our table and then I saw John, the owner of the restaurant, at the bar. Seriously? Now there were two people in this place who I had totally reamed online? I had heard that the owner knew I had trashed him on my website and here I was just three feet away from him and hoping that someone would give me free food? Awkward. I slid into the booth as quickly as possible so he wouldn’t see me. It would have been very embarrassing to have been asked to leave because my mouth was watering for a chicken chilaquiles and a gingerita. He never saw me. Or if he did, he either didn’t remember me or didn’t give a shit. After a few sips of tequila, I didn’t care anymore either.
Reichen eventually left never knowing of course that his bad reviewer was so close by. I suppose the only way he will ever know is when he sees this posting. You know his ass has a Google alert that tells him whenever his name goes on to the Internet (again, just like me.) But I started to think about my reckless behavior and how immature it is of me to spout off things about people and then just post it on the Internet. Hey, maybe I am being irresponsible. Maybe I’ll grow up and try to really think about what I write. Hey, maybe I’ll dye my hair. Maybe I’ll move somewhere. Maybe I’ll get a car. Maybe I’ll drive so far they’ll all lose track. Maybe I’ll sleep real late. Maybe I’ll lose some weight. Maybe I’ll clear my junk. Maybe I’ll just get drunk on apple wine. Me, I’ll be just fine and dandy.
(Anyone recognize the musical theater reference there?)
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