So my vacation officially starts today and I had already planned to have a repost happen. However, divinity stepped in and inspired me to write one more thing before I switch over to automatic (read: lame ass) pilot. I was on the F train yesterday headed out to Brooklyn to drop the dog at the kennel. The train was packed with people who were on their way to the loveliness that is Coney Island. By the way, this has nothing to do with waiting tables, but it does have to do with annoying parents and obnoxious children and the two pretty much go hand in hand.
It baffles me that so many people will have children and then treat those children like complete and total dirt. There were two moms on the train with their cumulative five kids. The one mom that was across from me was wearing the requisite fat lady outfit of tight blouse and black stretch pants. When a woman gets over a certain weight, do they just automatically receive black stretch pants in the mail? Is that how it works? Her shirt was black and white horizontal stripes and she was looking like the Pillsbury Dough Zebra. I think she missed the mass text that said horizontal is not flattering. She had on earphones so she was talking way too loud to the other mother. She would ask her a question and then say “wha?” when she couldn’t hear the answer. She’d roll her eyes and sigh because she had to physically exert herself to remove the earphones, but then she would put them back in, ask a question and say “wha?” again. Stupid. Her daughter was about four years old and really fat. It makes me sad when I see an obese kid because I know that the only reason they are like that is because of what the parent feeds them. And sure enough. When the little girl started to cry, the mother got her to be quiet by giving her a McDonald’s apple pie.
The other mom spent the whole time yelling at her kids to shut up. She had a baby in a stroller who was screaming at the top of his lungs the whole ride. Like everyone on the train was looking at each other with that knowing glance that says, “damn, that lady is one crappy ass mother.” The screaming mother had this conversation with the baby:
Baby: Waaaa!
Mother: Shut the hell up!
Baby: Waaaa!
Mother: Whad are youse freakin’ cryin’ ’bout? You the only one even comfortable here with a seat.
Baby: Waaaa!
Mother: I don’t even like you!
Baby: Waaa!
Now, I am not fluent in baby or anything but I am pretty sure he was saying, “oh my God, I can’t wait until I am old enough to walk so I can run away from home. Seriously? You’re my mother? Somebody save me. Shaken baby syndrome would be better than living with this bitch.” I felt bad for those kids. I imagined them in my station and how awful they would be because the mothers didn’t know how to teach their kids. I felt really bad. For some reason it made me sad and I got a bit teary eyed. As the water welled up in the corner of my eye, ready to make its way down my cheek I suddenly remembered I was starting my vacation. Woo hooo!! Vacation, here I come!
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GORE
#2 IS HOW I ALWAYS PICK UP A BABY.
“Pillsbury Dough Zebra”
BWA-HA-HA!
guest
SHUT THE FUCK UP AND SHOVE THAT LAUGHTER UP YOUR ASS!!! IF I SEE YOU GET HURT BIG TIME AND I SEE YOU CRY LIKE A BBAY BECAUSE OF IT, I’D FUCKIN’ LAUGH CRUELLY AT YOU!!!
dirtydisher
I think it's sweet how you actually have a heart for rug rats. It makes me like you even more.
Ranch Chimp
Good Morning!After accidentally stumbling across your blog searching for underage drinking and such and commenting on your past post of "You must be 21 to read this PT 2", I just happened to read this as well. I must say even though I understand the frustration, I couldnt help busting a gut laughing, it sounded hilarious and the "truth" is alway's the most funny to me. I can just picture this all in my head. :)BTW …. my mom's familia is mostly from Flatbush, but many relocated to LA back in the 60's and Vegas. I live in Dallas but was born up there.Later … nice posting! 🙂
Anonymous
It truly is depressing to see all these horrible people having these poor kids who will no doubt grow up to do the same, b/c they grew up that way… and so the cycle continues.
Heidi
I know. the way people talk and treat their kids is terriable!!
zeebee
How is it that the fatter you get, the more stretch pants/sweats you get? Just wearing exercise clothes won't skim the weight off.I was with my kid on the train today. I think we were the antithesis of those parent/kid combo's. He asked me dumb questions, I gave him dumb answers. Then I tickled him like crazy to get him to behave and he laughed so much he screamed.I think we draw for 'annoying parent/kid on train' combo.Oh, and enjoy your vacay bitchy waiter!
CDS
That is so sad, and part of what is wrong with America today. It's called birth control…if you don't want them…DON'T have them. I say this as a happily prego girl who will raise my dughter on strict but fun love. Have a great vacation, you'll be missed. xo from Miami
Ann Wilkinson
people today are breeders, not parents. it's hip to have a giant stroller??? anyhow, i don't think those two moms will be gracing a table at your restaurant anytime soon. have a great holiday!
Kelly
Wait a minute. The…bitchy waiter…has…compassion? For children?Have a good vacation and please come back tanner and bitchier!
Professor M...
First – Have a great vacation!Second – The stretch pants come with those tent dresses in the mail.Third – What was God thinking when he allowed just anyone to have kids. I think he should have installed an on/off switch that only allows women to have kids when they are able to properly parent. God has one heck of a sense of humor giving us all this free will!
Anonymous
I absolutely love you and your style! Enjoy your vacation!
Jesse
Hah…argument #1 in my book for insuring everyone has access to at very least free birth control. What kind of quality of life are those kids going to have growing up unloved and unwanted by parents who are overwhelmed?Enjoy your vacation!
Anonymous
Hey, it's not even just the useless trashy parents that wreck children! I was on a train going to Oxford once (I'm English, woot!) and what had to be the two snottiest parents ever were sitting opposite me and my mum with a kid who became known to us as Odious Caroline. She was awful. Going on and on about how she was so perfect and the parents smarming over her and cooing at their little IVF treasure (she had to be, they were too old for her to be naturally conceived!)Having repeated the story to my family later in the day my youngest sister now gets called an Odious Caroline if she ever acts spoilt (a habit picked up from her obnoxious twin best friends). THAT makes her shut up!Keep bitching, Bitchy Waiter, you truly brighten up my day.
Mary A.
And people say the Catholic Church just made up the idea of purgatory. . . .
guest
Those who claimed and claim that Catholics made purgatory up are big fat liars.
Chrissy
I so agree w/you.. But I know some women who only have one child and I swear they had them just to prove they could have them…It seems as tho only children are spoiled little shits.. Both women I know spoil their now adult kids… One told me " well she's my one and only"… so does that mean if u had more than one u wouldn't spoil them equally?I say put all the crappy parents on the F train… btw what comes around goes around, so the kids will eventually perpetuate …
Chrissy
I so agree w/you.. But I know some women who only have one child and I swear they had them just to prove they could have them…It seems as tho only children are spoiled little shits.. Both women I know spoil their now adult kids… One told me " well she's my one and only"… so does that mean if u had more than one u wouldn't spoil them equally?I say put all the crappy parents on the F train… btw what comes around goes around, so the kids will eventually perpetuate …
mainiac
I am overweight but I didn't know I was supposed to wear black stretch pants. I don't have any, but I'll be sure to run out today and get some. 🙂 Seriously, have a great vacation!!
California Girl
I used to come home and talk to my husband when I encountered these types of people in public, often verbally abusing their children or smacking them. I often interfered by calling them on it. My husband, a former social worker, told me I probably made it worse for the child because I'm dealing with people with anger and resentment who obviously have little or no control. I feel the same way about people and their pets, particularly dogs.thanks for sharing and showing your softer side…
Keda
i honestly have no idea why some people have kids. although i suppose stupidity is a factor from the start… 'babies heal relationships', 'catching a man', not using birth control despite pregnancy being the easiest thing you can catch.
The Ranter's Box
How is it that women who have absolutely NO BUSINESS having children somehow manage to shoot out a litter of kids that they aren't capable of properly raising. There should be some kind of license issued before people are allowed to reproduce!!! … Enjoy your vacation Bitchy Waiter.
The Bartender
I love that you're shocked about trash on the F train. It's not exactly the N.
Hed
Instead of asshole governors trying to get the minimum wage of servers down to $2 an hour, there needs to be a governor to enact a bill that sterilizes stupid people. Seriously!
Donda
HILARIOUS! Sad but Hilarious!
guest
You have shit for brains if you think that.