The Menu is Your Friend

This an older post that I thought needed to be seen again since so many people are not familiar with the word “menu.”

Sometimes people think that when they come into the restaurant they are in their own kitchen and I am their personal chef for the day. No bitch, that is not how it works. We have this thing called a menu. M-E-N-U. It is this really great idea that someone came up with that tells you what we have to offer. You should read it. Someone was paid to create it and make it and print it. And then that girl at the front who showed you to your table gave you one for you to look at it. It is not for your devil spawn children to draw in or for you to use to flag me down. It is for you to choose what you want to eat. Some ass came in the other day and threw himself into a booth without being seated. Then he complained the table was sticky with syrup. (He HOPES it was syrup.) So he didn’t have a menu and he ordered a chicken parmesan. Seriously? Does this look Bella Italia or The Olive Garden? No, ass, we are a diner. Burgers, salads, meatloaf. I ain’t got no fucking eggplant rollatini so don’t ask for that shit either. So I told him we don’t have it. “What, you out of that today?” I suggested that he order two fried eggs with hash browns and toast because that is what we do. Or maybe a burger with a side of pubic hair because that is what he was about to get. This other douche bag came in last week and started ordering all this ala carte crap without looking at the menu. He ordered two eggs just like his friends. Fine. That comes with hash browns and toast. Then he says he wants French Toast too. Okay, we have that. And then he wants sausage. And coffee. And orange juice. It all came out, he ate it and then got his bill and had a fucking pissy bitch fit. He wants to know how three orders of eggs can cost more than twenty dollars. I told him it was simple mathematics. One order is $6.95 and when you multiply that by three it comes out to more than twenty dollars. See? It’s easy, douche! He thought there was a better way I could have rung up his food so he did not have to pay for everything. I took him a menu. MENU! I showed him each thing he ordered. I asked him, “Is that what you had? Did it come to your table? Did you eat it all?” He answered yes to all these things. Then here is your bill. End of story. Read the fucking menu people and make both our lives a little easier, but I will still want to drop pubes in your burger, just so you know.

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24 thoughts on “The Menu is Your Friend

  1. Mannix

    I was just about to ask for directions to your diner…until I read that last sentence. LOL!Aside from that, well done! As a rule (and having dated a few waitresses, I know of the importance of this rule very well), I never FUCK with the person handling my food. I don't have a deathwish!

  2. Chrissy

    Couldn't u guys show him the door? Refuse to serve? That is the restaurant's right.. Why put up w/asses like that? Not worth the stress… A guy I dated told me when he waited tables that someone complained about their food… well turns out the cook rubbed that place of meat where the sun don't shine….

  3. Kandia

    LOL!!!! You would so wanna curse me out because I've been known to want to add my own little renditions or add this or substitute this for that. I try not to tick the waiters off though…don't want any "unknowns" in my food.

  4. Kelly

    You are one of my new personal heroes. I work in a cafe so the environment is a bit different but we all know that customers are the same anywhere and everywhere. Thanks for articulating so well what so many of us feel!

  5. Heidi

    OMG! Love your post. If people even bother to read what you put in front of them in the first place…we all still have the problem of their selective reading.

  6. Juanita

    Oh god yes! Don't forget the back were the drinks are listed. If it says soft drinks and tea or coffee then its probable that there is not a hidden wine list! Who wants wine with eggs anyway???!!Check out my blog;)

  7. Miss_trish

    One thing I've learned about people and being a customer service rep for such a long time is that A. Common Sense is NOT a gift that everyone has… and attention to detail and price is NOT something they do either! I feel you on this 100%. Miss Trish ~

  8. Joy De Vivre Design

    I just found your blog and you are hilarious! I have worked in both customer service and the food industry and you could not be explaining the crappy customers better! Some of the things that I have seen and heard still have me shaking my head years later.

  9. Alexa O

    We had a guy come in, sit down, and try to order fish. In a BBQ joint in Western NC. When I informed him that we didn't have any fish ("and HERE is the menu so you can see what we DO have, fuckwad"), he said, "well, do you have any fish, like, in the back?"You know, because fish stays good for years, and it's so cheap to keep fresh fish in stock. Most restaurants just keep some lying around, waiting for the smart guy who knows the secret code ("do you have any, like, in the back?") to ask for it.Jackass.

  10. Michelle Webb

    I just found your blog and I have read like your last 5 or 6 posts and love them. It's been a long time since I was a waitress but one thing I do remember was my personal pet peeve was when a family came in that would let their kids run wild and not control them. It was like they expected you to be theor personal babysitter as well as get your food to your table on time.

  11. Charlie Rain

    This post sounds all too familiar from the diners I've worked at to the chilies downtown all the way back to my first "real" job at mcdonalds … yep, I've been around. "Can I have a double cheese burger, no pickles, onions, mustard, of ketchup … oh and remove the meet" … "sir so what you're saying is u want a grilled cheese sandwich?"-Charlie.

  12. craftingmaven

    I just found your blog, and this is by far my favorite entry so far. I grew up in a restaurant. literally. I could have wrote half this stuff. I LOVE people who just order without reading the menu. "I'll have a doughnut" Really? first off, its 1pm. Second off, we're not open for breakfast, so why would we have doughnuts? "YOU DON'T HAVE DOUGHNUTS!??" Then…since we are across the street from a grocery store in a small town: "The grocery store has them. Why don't you get some there and sell them here?" While this is a good plan, why don't you just walk over there and get one yourself?!

  13. A newbie

    LOL, So freaken true! People be nice to your waiter/waitress they have the power to make you eat whatever they want and YOU don't even know it!

  14. Alisandra

    Bar/restaurant, woman enters, comes straight up to the bar (where you order for your self-seated table).
    “I’ll have a bacon carbonara.”
    “We don’t do that, I’m afraid. Would you like a menu to look at?”
    “I had a bacon carbonara last week in here!”
    “No, you didn’t.”
    (She eventually settles on something else. Me: “That’s fine, what’s your table number?” Her: “I don’t have one.”)


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