Every once in a while, someone will send me an email that will spark an idea of what I should write about so a big shout out to Leila for this blog post idea. Minors trying to order drinks are such a nuisance. In my day, I never even tried to order before I was of age because I had such a baby face that it was never gonna happen. I would just do what any sensible minor would do which was sit in my car and drink a couple of Bartles and Jaymes or California Coolers followed by a chaser of Boone’s Berry Farm before going in somewhere. All of my friends had fake i.d.’s so I would just watch them drink or maybe if the circumstances were right, they would order for me.
It’s funny to be a server and see some obviously underage kid trying to order a cocktail. It’s always a dead giveaway when they order some stupid ass drink like a Long island Iced Tea or a Banana Daiquiri. Or they go in the other direction and try to be so cool and order a scotch on the rocks. If they would just order a Coors Light or some other nondescript drink, I probably wouldn’t notice but if you ask me for a Sex on the Beach or a Bahama Mama, I’m gonna figure you are either a tourist, stupid or under age. Or all three. When I was first waiting tables I hated to ask for i.d. because I was barely 21 myself and still looked like I was 17 and was always so afraid that I was going to offend someone. Nowadays I don’t give a shit. It’s fun to bust a kid. And they always have the same excuse. “Err, uh..I must have left my license in my other purse” or “dude, my wallet was stolen but I am so 21. Seriously, I was born in 1989, dude, for real.” Sorry. Not gonna fly with me. Like I really want to lose my (shitty ass lame) job for serving a minor just because he wants to see what a Mudslide tastes like. I was out once with a group of people and one kid was only 19. He was trying to be all cool and shit so he ordered a White Russian, but requested it to be “easy on the Kahlua.” My friend looked at him and said, “you know that Kahlua is an alcohol, right?” He didn’t. What a dumbass. If you’re gonna order a White Russian while in a dive bar, the bartender will look at you and think you are a dumbass, dumbass. He didn’t get served. He should have ordered a Budweiser and no one would have questioned it.
Kids, don’t try to drink in my station. I will card you because I enjoy disappointing you. I may even let you order it, wait five minutes and then come and ask for i.d. just so you can get your hopes up that a Mai Tai is coming your way. Don’t fuck with me, fellas. I ain’t got time to waste. Get your self a fake i.d. or order a fucking apple juice.