Fat Waitress

I went out the other night in what was meant to be three or four of us of us at a bar and it quickly turned into eight people who wanted food so “could we find a restaurant instead?” I was not in the mood to go to a restaurant but majority ruled so I sucked it up and went along with the group. We ended up at a sports bar that added salt to my my wound instead of my margarita. Wait, I wanted to go to the piano bar across the street with five dollar frozen drinks and now we are dragging my ass to a freaking sports bar? Come on.

We showed up at a place that was an hour from closing and there were about three people in it. We were those people who showed up when you ready to get the fuck out and we ask for two tables to be pushed together. And then someone in the group uttered those words that make my skin crawl and my face sweat: “can we have separate checks?” I was mortified. But I guess the waitress was used to this request because she didn’t bat an eyelash and said it would be no problem. Out of the eight of us, two people ordered fries. Why did we need to scour the area for a restaurant so two out of eight people could order fries? Why didn’t they just pop their ass into a McDonald’s on the way to a bar? Grrr.

We ordered our drinks and it took fucking forever to get them. I have a lot of patience for servers as you know, but when it is clear that we are your only table and it takes you more than ten minutes to get drinks, I get grumpy. The waitress was really fat. Like The Biggest Loser fat. Like the kind of fat that made her legs cave in resulting in a serious case of the knock-knees. I guess the kneecaps were so tired of supporting 400 pounds of Criscoand carbs that they finally had to lean against each other for support. I looked around to see where Corpulent Connie was with my mother fucking margarita when I saw her huffing and puffing to put chairs on top of tables. As our drinks sat on the bar. Bitch, do your sidework after I get my drink. She finally waddled over with our cocktails and gave one person a frozen rita when they had asked for a rocks one. She said, “oh, I suck.” No one contradicted her. “I guess I’ll just have to drink this one,” she burped. Uh huh. We all know that trick. I invented that trick: tell the bartender you rang in the wrong drink so you can pour it into a coffee cup to drink as you do your paperwork.

She brought our check over forgetting that someone had ordered a dessert. He mentioned the missing caramel whatever-the-fuck and she said, “oh, did you still want that?” He ordered it didn’t he? My own theory is that she rang it in, ate it, and then had it voided off the check saying that he changed his mind. Another tired trick that I invented.

I had one drink for $7.00. I gave her a ten which was about a 40% tip. She sucked and all, but we were in there late at night and I know what that’s like. She deserved that $3.00 tip. Plus, I happen to know that the local grocery store is having a sale on Lean Cuisine frozen dinners for $3.79 each and I thought it was good start towards the diet she needed to go on.

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37 thoughts on “Fat Waitress

  1. Chrissy

    Lean Cuisine ain't gonna help … Full of salt! lol… Individual checks? come on can't someone do the math in their head and estimate what they owe in tip and price of food, etc? ain't rocket science

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  2. Cynthia

    Was it the service you're being bitchy about or the fact that the waitress was fat?!Obesity is pretty much the only group left that it seems to be socially acceptable to hate on. And I'm sure she was just as thrilled with having her shitty waitress job as you are about yours – especially considering the amount of insults she must get every shift from rude patrons who feel free to ridicule her poundage, day after day.Poor service is one thing. Her attitude sucked.Your weight-directed comments? Those sucked, too.

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  3. Anonymous

    Obesity is not something that you are born with and can't help. Obesity can be changed, unlike skin color or sexuality. OBESITY IS NOT A RACE, Cynthia.

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  4. Terra

    cynthia is emotionally eating right now. some people cant help but being chubby and big boned. obesity on the other hand, you had to see it coming.

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  5. Unknown

    :::FACT::: If you are obese, you may have inherited it, because it has a strong genetic component.•Genetics: Obesity can often be traced to genes, and the brain can induce appetite tendencies.•Illness: Hypothyroidism, Cushing Syndrome and depression.•Psychology: Mental illness and emotional problems.•Lifestyle habits: Poor diet and low levels of daily activity.

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  6. Chrissy

    obesity can only be changed if the obese person WANTS to change.. many have self esteem issues.. I am not excusing it, just sayin'… I've known a few who use food for comfort. And that evidently was taught to them to use food in that manner. My ex bf's mom would tell him to 'eat a bowl of ice cream' thinking it would make him feel better…No, he is not fat….

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  7. Nicole

    I definitely believe in the freedom of speech (former journalist) and I also believe in healthy life style change/taking care of your heart (now work in Media Relations for the American Heart/American Stroke Association) but I do not condone putting someone else down due to the way they look, obesity can (and yes – I do have the scientific research to back this up) be genetic. I understand that being "bitchy" is your way to show your personality – but this was ridiculous. Definitely lost a follower. Good luck to you, and God willing – you never have a hormonal issue and gain weight.

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  8. Tracy

    Come on… it's comedy, it's supposed to be funny. Sam Kinison made fun of Ethiopians in the 80's. It's irreverant, that's what makes it funny.

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  9. Brenda Susan

    You hate the individual check thing I know, but I go out with 4 other couples almost every weekend and we sometimes ask for separate checks. Otherwise splitting a check when no one carries cash anymore is horrible!Credit cards are just not made for individual use on a multi-use restaurant check. The other option is for one couple to pay it all and get re-imbursed later….a very risky plan even among close friends! Anyway, I am sorry for the inconvenience, but we really don't know what else to do.Love your blog btw!

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  10. Donda

    That was hysterical but is it odd that the most important fact that I pulled from that ramble is "you sure know how to get free shit"?? LOL

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  11. Sauce

    As far as what to do with a check you want split if you don't all have cash: First off tell your server BEFORE you order if you want the checks separated. likely they have a seat option and can thus put the people who'd like to be separate on different seats so it's easier to split later. Yes, servers could do this every time, but it can be a little bit more work when in a rush. It certainly is easier than doing it after though, so let them know upfront! If you don't let them know and you all have cards, then attempt to do the math yourself. You know what you ordered, you can add, you can round. And if not i'm sure you have a cellphone that can figure it out for you. It's really nice when people just say, "put ten on this, fourteen on this…" and so on.I mean I realize I'm your server, but I'm not your slave. Please help us out a little!http://girlandguitar.blogspot.com/

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  12. fatso

    Brenda it shouldn't be that hard to get some cash before a night out with friends. Alternately, you could accept some personal checks from your friends. People still have checks, right? Bitchy waiter you are FUNNY! I think maybe Cynthia is a big fatty mcfatterson. She needs to go suck on a big lolly and CHILL. Chill out Cyndi you BBW you!

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  13. The Bitchy Waiter

    okay, clearly I hit a nerve here. I just figured that I have not been that bitchy lately and maybe it was time to go whole hog. And speaking of whole hog, she waited on me the other night…

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  14. grahamophone

    Oooh, I love it when my blog hits a nerve. It's difficult not to back down from your stance, and you stick to your guns with such elegant humour. Whole hog, yeah!!If your server hadn't done such a crap job, her being fat would have been of no interest and not blogworthy. People like Cynthia have to realize that you don't go out of your way to be bitchy – the world forces you to!(Am I right?)

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  15. Jewel

    wow…this one touched nerves. there are many reasons for being over weight….i am over weight myself, and i didn't get offended here. being brutally honest, isn't always an easy pill to swallow…the comments here prove that to be true.

    Reply
  16. FemgineerFatale

    I love, love, love your blog. Why do people take it so seriously though? Supposed to be funny. Some serious sense-of-humour failure happening in these comments. But maybe I feel that way because I'm skinny… Femgineer

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  17. Samantha

    After having two kids I struggle with my weight. I'm still small, though so it's not a big deal. I however, feel that if you are going to be offended by someone's post, then you need a shot of reality in your ass! Not everyone is going to sugar coat things to make you happy. Hell, we were born to be ignorant, uncensored, and down right rude. Maybe some people shouldn't be so touchy. If you can't laugh at yourself, others will do it for you!Keep on sparking up controversy!

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  18. Bubbly

    Wah Wah Wah, you just lost a follower because you talked about fat people.Do you not watch TV sitcoms?Do you not listen to stand up comedy?Fat people are easy targets.Are you offended by blonde jokes, if you're blonde? Are you offended by black jokes if you're black?Stop being do GD sensitive to everything. I can't stand when people need life and everything in it to be so PC and nice. Life isn't nice, alright?Did you not notice the name? BITCHY waiter. Not "I love everything" waiter.

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  19. Mermaid Glass

    Well, I don't know if it's elegant humor, but it is humorous humor. So funny, so true. And to all you genetically induced chubbies out there with the bruised feelings, how about this science: eat less + excercise more = lose weight. Check out the science on that.

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  20. Keda

    I am a size-est. Our whole family is. And I am not talking about the few pounds you may or may not pick up every decade you move along in this life. No I am talking about teens and twenty-somethings who are the size of a bus. No one needs to be skinny and tiny. Everyone needs to be healthy and able to walk around without sweating and huffing every few minutes.Just like anything it is an addiction, viewing food as a comforter instead of fuel. It's a choice that CAN in fact be remedied. Bad service is another thing I don't like, but I have less to say about that than you do.

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  21. Mary A.

    I've been away for a couple of days.Post was funny. Mean. . .but in a bitchy-waiter sort of mean. If she was awesome & did the right stuff you probably wouldn't have mentioned her weight. It added color to the story.

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  22. Allison

    I think that comments about other people that are negative should be kept to yourself. A lot of people could get affended by a comment like the one you made. Put yourself in her shoes….think about it.

    Reply
  23. Kimmychanga

    I have a personal pet-pieve about fat servers, especially when most of the time you can tell it is not because of a thyroid problem or any other medical problem. Their issue is laziness. Usually they are the first to not do their running side work and ask you to get something for their tables. They take up much needed room at the server stations and inhibit my ability to do my job in a timely mannor. And lazy people just suck all the way around, fat or not… it’s just they usually are obeese.
    I currently work with a guy who is morbidly obeese. He is a good guy, I have nothing personally against him. But when I’m running food to my table and I say behind he continues to stroll at a leisurely pace in front of me. I’m forced to take an alternative route and try to avoid timing my drinks same as him; he takes up the while soda machine.
    So I completely understand. It’s a hard enough job to be a server without these obsticals.
    I LOVE your blog, been following for years. I started in the industry when I was 9 and have been doing it ever since (I’m 29 now) in all my years doing this, I have not “met” someone who puts it out like you do. Keep writing!

    Reply

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