Chardonnay=Pinot Grigio=Sauvignon Blanc

Now I am not a fancy wine drinker or anything. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I like the stuff. In fact I am having a glass of it right now and it isn’t even from a box. It is from a really large bottle though. Like a two liter size that was on special at Bill’s Liquor Store down the street. I am also a big fan of the Two Buck Chuck you can get at Trader Joe’s. Like I said, I am having some right now so if there are typos, you will know whay. My point is I can’t tell the difference between one wine from the other. White from red, yes but among the whites? Forget it. Over the years I have worked in some pretty dumpy fuckin’ places (R.I.P. Houlihan’s) that served lots of wine. People always order it like they think they are a fucking sommelier. My thought is if you are ordering wine at Houlihan’s you ain’t no big deal. I love when they ask to taste it first and swirl the wine in the glass to get the bouquet before they give me approval to pour for the rest of the table. Gimme a break. Now, if you were in some high class fancy ass place that was known for their wine like Las Vegas or Olive Garden, then sure, you go to town. But at the crap houses I have worked at there is no reason to taste the wine before I serve it. I can already tell you it will taste like ass. But it’s always some guy trying to impress his date who wants to taste it first. He takes a sip and then furrows his brow and cocks his head before he nods very slowly as if to say, “ah yes, this is the finest glass of piss water I have had in ages. Very nice, Monsieur.” At least he can be sure he is getting what he ordered if he asks for the whole bottle. Plenty of times someone has asked for the pinot grigio, but we are out so we pour their ass a glass of sauvignon blanc and call it a day. Or a glass of chardonnay. Whatever. In all the times I have done this (and there have been plenty) not once did someone notice. I have been tempted to put a splash of cranberry into some chardonnay and see if I can pass it off as white zinfandel, but just have not done that yet. (Note to self: this weekend, put a splash of cranberry into some chardonnay and see if I can pass it off as white zinfandel.) It’s sorta like when someone orders a ginger ale and you can put a splash of Coke into a Sprite and they never know. For real. I worked at place for three years and we never carried ginger ale but I served it hundreds of times with that little trick.

Anyhoo, I am just sipping my chardonnay or pinot or whatever the fuck it is and thought about how people will drink whatever you place in front of them. They’re like cows. Only not as tasty when made into a hamburger.


12 thoughts on “Chardonnay=Pinot Grigio=Sauvignon Blanc

  1. NightMary

    "Excuse me, honey, but, this glass of Burgandy is not cold." Oh, sorry, lump of ignorant turd, let me get you an ice cube from the mold machine. Smiles. Holy shit I think i came close to spilling my drink all over the keys.

  2. The Bartender

    We used to mix pinot noir together with whatever white we had lying around and pass it off as white zinfandel before we started carrying a rose. Thank god no one asked to see the bottle.

  3. Dana

    Amazing! We did the ol’ ginger ale trick at a restaurant I used to work at, too. Who has time to go to the bar and ask to use their gun for someone’s 8th refill of ginger ale?

  4. Nancy Keeney

    I used the coke and sprite all the time when I worked at HOJO’s The last place I worked I had someone order ginger ale and she said “and not that coke and sprite mix” Busted!


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