Just Pay the Damn Check


You know, I don’t give a shit who pays for the fucking check. It does not matter to me (or any other waiter) who paid last, who owes whom, who’s turn it is to treat, who’s birthday it is or who makes more money. We just want you to pay the damn check and get out so we can start talking about you. Nothing is more irritating than listening to two old ladies argue over who will pay for the two soups that weren’t hot enough and the two hot teas that weren’t Lipton. Just split it or give me two credit cards and shut up.

It happens all the time. Someone asks for the check and then the other person has to say “Oh no, you don’t! I’m paying.” “No I’m paying'” “No I am…” and so on and so forth. Or what really cracks my shit up is when one person says they are going to the bathroom and then sneaks over to me in the sidestand to interrupt my mimosa drinking to slip me a credit card. And then ten minutes later the other person does the same thing because they both want to be the big shot and be the one who pays. I always ask who is going to tip better. I have seen people get seriously upset about the whole stupid thing. A few years ago two men were both grabbing for the check to pay for it and prove who had the biggest penis when they got too into it. They were grabbing and pushing and eventually tilted the table and knocked over a few glasses that fell and shattered. Now who do you think had to clean that shit up? I just grabbed the check and said “DECIDE!” Now when two people argue about it I have a system. The first credit card that touches my hand is the one who pays. No exceptions whatsoever. A man once gave me his card and then the lady was saying “No, wait I have to pay because it’s his birthday. Wait wait! Take my credit card.” She continued whining as I swiped his card and made the man pay for his own birthday dinner. When I came back to the table I told them my rule as she shot me a look of hatred. I shot it right back to her and as I handed the check to the man, I smiled and said “happy birthday.”

9 thoughts on “Just Pay the Damn Check

  1. purplegirl

    I always try to get this settled before the server picks up the check, but I've had friends who insist on arguing once the cards are being picked up. With my customers, I drop it in the middle of the table and tell them if they want to arm wrestle, they can take it outside.

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  2. Anonymous

    I give my friends what I call a "mulligan" If someone offers to pay, I will contest 1x if they insist that's it. I am not gonna argue about who pays? It's your check thank you, maybe next time. I'm not the guy who forgot his wallet, but I am not gonna argue

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  3. Recon

    I’ve had a group argue over the check, so I just printed four copies of the check and gave them all one. They thought I’d be able to charge all of them the full amount, they found their own solution.

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