Famous People Suck

I hate waiting on celebrities. I have not had to do it very often because famous people don’t usually come into the places that I have slung hash. Generally, they like to go to places that are not chains, franchises and/or crappy and I usually work at places that are chains, franchises and/or crappy. If a famous person comes into a place I work, then I instantly question their judgement and credibility. Once when I worked in Times Square (afore mentioned tourist trap, hypothetically Houlihan’s) a soap opera actor came into my station. It was the old guy who played Palmer Cortlandt on All My Children. I think he’s still on it. Anyhoo, he sat in my station with this really hot Latin guy that was about 100 years his junior. Palmer looked like he just came off the set of the soap because he was wearing a freaking ascot around his neck. The young guy was all flirty with him and and then Palmer paid for their lunch on his credit card. I ain’t judging or anything, but can you say “sugar daddy”? He was really nice though and it was fine. A few months ago Ivanka Trump came into my restaurant. Obviously, she was slumming or she wanted to see how poor people live because she came in to have an $8.99 omlette. I didn’t wait on her. My friend did thouigh and said she was alright, but only left a 15% tip. C’mon! Bitch, we know you have hundred dollars bills flying out of your ass and you’re only going to leave four bucks? Spread the wealth.

Another person I know said she had the Grandma from Everybody Loves Raymondd come in to her place once. She seems like such a sweet old lady. Doris Roberts her name is. Apparently, she’s a dried out cunt lip. This colleague told me she ordered a two-minute egg. And sent it back five times. Five times! After the first time, don’t you think the chef (fry cook) would actually time it to make sure it was really two minutes. And then a third time? And fourth time? And a fifth? Get real, lady. You ain’t the Queen of England. Maybe the egg just didn’t taste right to her because her taste buds are fossils. Or maybe she secretly hated eggs because her last ovary fell out of her cooch back in the Roaring 20’s. Whatever the reason, it’s no excuse.

If I ever see a celebrity in my station, I don’t want ’em. I have ignored Connie Chung and I will ignore you too. Famous people are just people who lucked out. If they sit in my station I will treat them just like the stroller mom or the old homless lady who pays with coins: like crap.