Decaf=Regular


Sometimes a restaurant runs out of something. It’s just like at your house. You may think you have enough Crisco for every possible need, but one day you need more Crisco than you thought and before you know it you are so totally out of Crisco and you have to use Pam instead. Or Vaseline. Or whatever. The point is, it happens. So the other day we were getting ready for brunch and lo and behold we were out of regular coffee. We had decaf but not regular. We had enough for two or three pots but we go through ten or fifteen pots on a good brunch and we were really worried. Like freaking out what the fuck are we gonna do kind of worrying. We scoured the basement storage for regular coffee and even went into the back room behind the storage where we keep mugs and bowls and huge ketchup cans and shit. No regular coffee. By this point all three of us were sweating bullets. I mean we opened in ten minutes and we didn’t have coffee to satisfy our customers-what the fuck were we going to do? Okay, really we were fine. We never looked for regular coffee past the shelf that it is usually on. Someone said “maybe we should just use decaf all day” and someone else said “who cares, I don’t even drink it” and then someone else farted and we all giggled like little girls. So yeah, we used decaf all day. And not one person said one word to us about how the coffee seemed less caffeinated that day. They all drank it and asked for seconds and thirds and imagined the effects of all that caffeine pumping through their veins. And therefore proving our theory that all customers are stupid douches who will drink and eat what we tell them to. “Would you like some more coffee, Mr. and Mrs. Douche?”
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2 thoughts on “Decaf=Regular

  1. Masquerade

    So true. People at my current job freak out because I use decaf and regular interchangeably if I need to. At my old job it was just a matter of course 😛 Ahhh the difference a corporate environment makes.

    Reply
    1. Bailey

      Just as I won’t tell a guest that my establishment is so poor as to serve Mr. Pibb instead of Dr. Pepper, I have no problem giving someone decaf instead of regular coffee because, they’re all ignorant fucks who will only complain if someone tells them the Pibb is an imposter. However, to the commenter above me who uses decaf and regular interchangeably, giving someone with caffeine intolerance caffeinated coffee because you’d rather not just lie and say you’re out instead of brewing a whole new pot can be quite dangerous.

      Reply

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